Fresh Business Ideas from 500 B.C.

Scythian Saunas with Real Sensimilla not that Seedy Shitty Scythian Stuff

According to Herodotus, the ancient Scythians made marijuana saunas. See if you can spot his error:

“Inside this little tent they put a dish with red-hot stones in it… They take some hemp seed, creep into the tent, and throw the seed on to the hot stones. At once it begins to smoke, giving off a vapor unsurpassed by any vapor-bath one could find in Greece. The Scythians enjoy it so much that they howl with pleasure. This is their substitute for an ordinary bath in water, which they never use.”

MODERN UPDATE:  no seeds, obviously, just buds.

You see, the Scythians were smart, especially given their backgrounds, but they weren’t so culturally advanced as to have sensimilla (seedless marijuana). Consequently, when the Scythians threw their spindly seedy buds on the fire, Herodotus, who got fucked up, thought the seeds were the point. ‘Understandable, given that the seeds pop and put out more smoke and considering how fucked up Herodotus got.

It’s amazing he remembered anything. Truly a great ethnographer.

But like Colorado, it would have to be well-regulated. Like you’re only allowed one sauna per day or something.

Would it sell? What are you an asshole? Of course it would sell!

Gladiator Goo

The Romans were smart enough to market gladiator sweat and stupid enough to buy it.

We honor that capitalist spirit of intelligence and stupidity and go one better by offering gladiator dick-cheese, the goo that accumulates inside the foreskins of the uncircumcised penises over in Old Europe.

Really old Europe. Like Transylvania and stuff. Places so old the sun barely shines there anymore.

And yes, these are genuine gladiators and other heroic sports and military figures. We didn’t just scoop the cheese from some genetically defective geek or something. These are manly men with so much testosterone they’re deadly.

A vial of their manly essence will make you deadly cool too. A few smears of Gladiator Goo and all the ladies will be fawning all over you inside your new Scythian Sauna complex.

The Brighter Side of “Low-T” and the Hellish Side of Brightness

The guy in the “Low-T” ad should have low-T. I mean, look at him! Even people who don’t know any Yiddish or even any Jews think “Putz” when they see that guy. They chose that actor just because he looks like a putz, but that’s a digression.

The point is, do we really want all these older dudes walking around with high-T? Or hobbling around with super-T?! Or wheeling around with Max-T Bulger? Scared yet?

Is not “low-T” just God’s way of keeping us out of trouble, forcing us to reflect on life in a more mature manner? Will Grandfatherhood be medicated away? Are assisted living centers destined to become orgy warehouses? What about when Snoop Dogg gets old? I mean older.

Things are looking grim, so let us look on the bright side–no, the light is too bright, it hurts, look away, ah soothing darkness, soothing darkness getting real old real quick is this all there is my God it’s Hellish where has the light gone agghhh!

We apologize for that hellish interlude.

In conclusion, by way of introduction, since the post-WWII baby boom generation is the self-appointed Axial Generation around whom the whole universe revolves, and since they-we (born in ’64, you decide) are so incredibly special and music-worthy, the aging of the baby boomers must also be special and laden with poetry and new-sounding philosophy. It’s got to be. Otherwise, they-we are just a bunch of aging farts, and that obviously can’t be the case. I mean right?

What we need are 21st century versions of those cool 1970’s books to talk us through it, to talk the shit out of our condition until it’s so worded-up beyond all recognition by overthought school-damage and theory fallout that we all feel safely confused and enobled.

Here are the kind of books we-they need to have around so that we can pretend to have read them:
The Zen of Assisted Living
How to Save the Planet While Retiring
My Grandmother My Self
Journey to Assisted Ixtlan
Tales of Power and Other Old Memories
The Joy of Outercourse
My Not So Secret Courtyard Garden
Jonathan Livingston Parking Lot Seagull
The Executor of the Rings
The Pentagon Retirement Papers
The Old Cuckoo’s Nest is Worth Flying Into if You’ve Got Viagra and High-T

(c) 2012 Alan Brech