Trump is a True Floridian Because…

–He dominates every news cycle with stupid outlandish crap

–His wealth has not purchased any class

–He’s fun to check in on but you wouldn’t want to be there for four straight years

–Hyperbolic self-promotion is a cornerstone of his success

–He’s actually from New York

–Bad hair, bad tan, bad hat, bad grammar, bad diction, can’t focus on anything too long

–He was a Democrat, he’s a Republican, he flirted with Independent, he doesn’t fucking know

–He believes The National Enquirer and is often featured in it

–He hates foreigners and is dependent upon them

–His kids have to take care of him and clean up his mess

Trump Is No Hitler

Hitler:  Had a weird haircut that later became popular among the New Wavers of the 1980s

Trump:  Has an even stranger hairstyle that will never become popular because it’s obviously ridiculous, even to New Wavers (Flock of Seagulls notwithstanding)

Hitler:  Served in World War I for the duration and twice won the Iron Cross for bravery

Trump:  Dodged the draft; never served; never would serve; almost shit his pants when an unarmed protester rushed the stage

Hitler:  Did not incite riots after being denied the Chancellorship in 1932 even though he had obtained the largest plurality of votes

Trump:  Threatens riots if he falls short of the necessary votes to win the nomination

Hitler:  Eschewed profanity; never swore in public

Trump:  Fuckin’ swears all the time

Hitler:  Successfully built the Atlantic Wall and the Siegfried Line

Trump:  Talks a bunch of shit about a wall that will never get built and which we don’t need anyway

Trump:  Publicly called Mexicans rapists and criminals

Hitler:  Never said anything bad about Mexicans

Hitler:  Stirred up less-educated people to hate minorities, foreigners and political opponents

Trump:  Same thing…but other than that minor detail, he’s no Hitler

Super Tuesday Goes Freaky Friday

Sanders:  Have you seen the size of Hillary’s hands? They’re hu-uge! 

Clinton:  Shut up you old nerd!

Sanders:  And you know what they say about a woman with big hands?

Clinton:  They deliver bigger punches? Like the punch I’m going to land on your face?

Sanders:  They grab more money from corporate America!

Clinton:  Look, Sanders is desperate. He’s a loser. A desperate loser. I’ve never seen such a desperate loser and I’m a Progressive!

Sanders:  Listen Lil’ Hil’–that’s what I call her, Lil’ Hil’–listen, I’m sorry they scheduled this debate during your menstrual cycle but try not to get too hysterical.

Clinton:  I’m a little old for menstrual cycles, Senator–that shows how little you know about women! And naturally you know nothing about women since you married a fat pig instead! Look at that face! Can you imagine that face as our First Lady? Aagghh!

Sanders:  Go fix your make-up, you’re sweating all over the podium. Maybe we can schedule you another disgustingly long bathroom break. In fact, I will cede five minutes of my debate time so Secretary Clinton can take an extra large dump. That’s what a gentleman I am. Chivalry is not dead!

MODERATOR:  The question was about free trade deals.

Trump Jokes

When society gets pathological the sociopaths seem logical.

Trump’s mixed business record:

Trump Air failed. Trump Hot Air is doing quite well.

Trump Vodka also failed. Trump Snake Oil continues to sell.

Trump University failed in its educational mission. Trump Bullshit continues to misinform millions.

New Trump slogans based upon Trump attributes:

His demeanor:  Make America grating again.

His character:  Make America greed again.

His age:  Make America grayed again.

Trump, the only person who could beat Hillary Clinton and not get convicted.

David Duke endorses Trump. Trump disavows him. Duke approves of Trump’s disavowal. Trump disavows Duke’s approval of his repudiation. This goes on for months.

Trump has led the life of a good Christian prior to their conversion. Evangelicals can relate to that.

Trump’s family is strong. All three of them. He’s a great ex-husband–the kind of man every woman wishes they were no longer married to.

If Trump were to make the White House an actual reality show–live cameras on all the time except for top secret security stuff–I still might not vote for him. But I would definitely watch. The ad money from that show could pay for the whole damn government!

As we plunge into the Apocalypse

Trump’s properties were some of the best in the world.

Until the Sanders Revolution

Americans want a president with good gut instincts. And that’s why we send our kids to school–to develop their guts. (I scored a 750 on the gut instinct part of the SATs, FYI.) And that’s why the first question at every job interview is “How’s your gut?”

School guidance counselor:  “Mr. and Mrs. Ordinary, I’m afraid your child has really bad gut instincts. We’re going to have to enroll him in a remedial program run by Trump University.”

Is Carson on Drugs?

Trump not only beat Bush and Cruz in New Hampshire, he schlanged them. He reamed them–so much so that he has now changed his views on gay marriage. Again.

Speaking of which, are Huma and Hillary in love? I see a lot of love there. And certainly Anthony Wiener and Bill Clinton could drive any woman to try lesbianism. Melania Trump would be crazy not to try it–she could have a bigger pick of ladies than her husband had when he picked her out of an ass line-up.

Is Carson on drugs? People don’t zip down to Florida for clothes.

Speaking of clothes, is America ready for a nudist president? Probably not, but I’m sure Lady Godiva could win a few state and local elections. Especially if she were pro-gun and pro-Bible. “Prison-glow” might even help her.

Since prisoners can’t vote they should have their own elections to choose a President of Incarcerated America. If democracy and citizenship is so darn good and important, why not make it part of prison “rehabilitation?” It can’t be any worse than the existing gang-ocracy. It would give new meaning the phrase “term limits.”

By knee-capping Rubio and then stepping aside, Chris Christie has successfully completed his campaign to become the next Republican Attorney General. Lindsay Graham was equally successful in his bid to become Secretary of State or Defense. Ditto Carly and Commerce.

Peace between Russia and Ukraine could be achieved if Donald Trump was appointed ambassador to his buddy Putin and Melania Trump was ambassador to her native Ukraine. And if war did break out, you would know in advance as soon as Trump filed for another divorce.

Meanwhile, Democrats are faced with the difficult choice between a Clinton-Sanders ticket or a Sanders-Clinton ticket. That’s a tough one. It could go either way.

In the debate last night, Clinton was excellent and Sanders was very good. Meaning Sanders won. Life is so unfair.

Is Carson on drugs? I guess I am since I just repeated myself, but then by that logic Marco Rubio is on three times as much drugs as me. Must be a Florida thing.

But seriously, didn’t Carson’s face look really puffy and rough during that debate where he could not hear his name being announced? Remember Rush Limbaugh’s “deafness?” Another Florida boy gone bad.

Republican Gun Control = Republican Health Care!

How to Get Republican Health Care:

Most Republican leaders claim that mental health services are the answer to mass shootings, not gun control.

Therefore, if you’re sick and cannot pay for it (no one can), buy a gun and then claim that your physical illness is driving you crazy. You’re homicidally depressed.

And the only way to fix your crazy is to fix your body.

Faced with a choice between taking your gun or paying for your expensive health care, the Republicans will have no choice but to pay up.

Hating Your Name

It’s telling that more people have “Alan / Allen” as a last name than as a first. Because your parents can’t choose your last name.

Yes, Alan means courage in French (élan) but only in French and French courage just isn’t the same.

Two soft vowels and two soft consonants? No wonder I’m fat.

Alan da Vinci? Alan Einstein? Alan Patton? No fucking way!

The list of great and famous Alans is as short as the list of Dwaynes.

I’d legally change it but I’m too spiteful. And it gives me the safety net of having something to blame.

If I were named Albert or Alfred or Alphonse I would never let myself be called Al lest someone suspect it was short for Alan.

You can judge the dude-liness of a man’s name by how many words it rhymes with. Mark, Jack, Fred, Bill, Mike and Joe rhyme with everything. All I’ve got is gallon. Big deal–Peter rhymes with liter and Mort rhymes with quart. No name rhymes with pint but then nothing rhymes with pint.

On the bright side, I don’t have to say it as much as the people who know me. That’s one good thing.

And it’s not a gay name, not that there’s anything wrong with gay names. And it’s not a criminal’s name, not that there’s anything wrong with crime.

It’s just a good-natured, fat nerd’s name, that’s all. I can take it.

alan_name

Popularity of the name Alan; from http://www.behindthename.com