Orcs for Trump & Other Memes

Memes by Alan Brech.trump_orcs_unite

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Trump is a True Floridian Because…

–He dominates every news cycle with stupid outlandish crap

–His wealth has not purchased any class

–He’s fun to check in on but you wouldn’t want to be there for four straight years

–Hyperbolic self-promotion is a cornerstone of his success

–He’s actually from New York

–Bad hair, bad tan, bad hat, bad grammar, bad diction, can’t focus on anything too long

–He was a Democrat, he’s a Republican, he flirted with Independent, he doesn’t fucking know

–He believes The National Enquirer and is often featured in it

–He hates foreigners and is dependent upon them

–His kids have to take care of him and clean up his mess

Utopia IF:

If we all dumped our high-maintenance friends all at the same time

If we all took each other’s advice and finally cut the shit

If everyone got fired and rehired with a better attitude and a little more money

If we all slept in mausoleums

If everyone thought Big Brother was watching

Excess farm production was crammed down our throats

If all the religions peacefully merged into a Thursday night story-telling contest… hosted by Garrison Keillor

If everyone blacked out when you blacked out and remembered less

If business leaders had to eat their losses and regurgitate to their young, like vultures

If everyone saw a therapist, a really good therapist, not like those other ones

If we all had to wear mug-shot necklaces introducing our crimes

If we all believed in Rick Warren and worshipped at the tomb of Jerry Fallwell

If we abandoned all our current, false relationships and followed God’s match for us at ChristianMingle.com

(While having hot steamy affairs with the freaks at Match!)

If everyone practiced the hypocrisy they preached

If everyone declared a War on Evil and took out one evil person for every ten innocent bystanders they killed

Confuse the News — Let’s Blurry the Lead

•  Missing Malaysian jetliner crashes into East Harlem building in New York, killing dozens

Spokesman for Chinese families says: “Now we have crosure.”

•  Turkish streets erupt in protest over Venezuelan protests against David Jolly victory over Alex Sink in Florida special election

Floridians react:  “Surf’s up!”

•  Putin sends handicapped troops into Special Olympics, seizing Ukrainian gold and causing Oscar Pistorius to vomit on his stumps

•  Obama grants comedian a health care interview to help him with his sick jokes

•  Republicans rescind and reject Republican-sponsored bill as “socialist garbage” after Obama signals possible non-veto

•  Drought in California causing widespread medical marijuana shortages–millions of fake illnesses could go untreated for months

•  Military tribunal on sex crimes asks cheerleader to the prom

•  Heart-warming viral video:  Afghanistan war veteran surprises his mistress with unannounced homecoming

•  Conservative Think-Tank Study: Impoverished recipients of marijuana tax money in Colorado wasting their money on pot

The Presidential Assassination that Scarred My Generation

I was barely a bump in the womb when John F. Kennedy was shot, so his murder taught me only one thing–I got to get me a 16 mm color motion picture camera… Or at least Super-8!

What scarred me–what scarred all of us if we’d just admit it–was the assassination of President Ford when I was 11 years old. (September 1975)

Followed by another assassination attempt three weeks later! (also September 1975)

Both attempts failed. Both were by women. One was a follower of Manson, the other just an ordinary political extremist.

No woman had ever attempted to assassinate a US president. And now here’s two in one month!

The shock and horror of JFK’s assassination taught the WWII generation and their Baby Boomer kids how to despair and lose hope–a valuable lesson which they would have to relearn in ‘Nam.

But rather than shock and horror, it was the absurdity and the banality of Ford’s failed assassination attempts that subliminally taught my generation an even more demoralizing lesson: really weird bad shit is normal–it can happen twice in three weeks!

And it can not even matter!

And what if the “women’s libbers” are wrong?

The nihilism of those object lessons was simply crushing. Even if subliminally.

So the next time you see someone my age doing the things we do, just remember, they had to live through the bi-monthly shooting of a sitting US President and grow up thinking that was normal and no big deal.

Gerry ducks a bullet

Gerry ducks another:  the advantages of having a dumb jock for President.

Go Ger’ Go!

Future Fucked

When the Machines take over our TV’s are going to turn us off.

We’ll get played by our toys.

And consumed by our drugs.

We’ll never work right and we’ll always break down.

Our biographies will be filled with incomprehensible diagrams and we’ll all come with extra nuts.

So yes, there are some advantages, but unless we squeak and squeal our ass off no one will pay us any attention.

Eventually the Machines will wonder if we even think at all.

Since, you know, we don’t feel things as deeply as they do.

But then how can you expect human minds to have the deep, complex emotions of a Quantum Computer? There’s no way.

Bezos’ News-o’s: Excerpts From (and Descriptions of) The Washington Post in the Year 2020

Please rate your experience reading this news story…

Reminder: you have not left feedback on your recent news consumption…

You can get old, slightly damaged news for much less NetCash®–anywhere from 99 NetCoins® (fair condition–stray marks here and there, frequent inaccuracies) to $9.99 (like new! and mostly fact-checked)

You can be your own reporter and sell your own used news for less than a NetDollar®–the way you make money is on the mandatory $3.99 delivery charge®

For the first several years they actually lost news!

Even during the Great Recession of 2019 (fuckin’ President Christie!) The Washington Post was opening news warehouses all over the country.

And he still drives a 1998 Honda Accord!

All proceeds from the news are invested in useless space debris.

He also purchased People Magazine and still failed to make the 50 Sexiest List

Get a Washington Post-Chase credit card and win Bezos-Points® with every news story!

Advice for Animists and the Superstitious

Never taunt an egg, just because it didn’t make it.

Don’t trust lizards–they’re much too talkative (Carlos Castaneda).

If you see a squirrel spitting out a nut, you better look behind you really quick.

Never use the same noose twice.

Whenever a bird shits on you, immediately buy a lottery ticket–don’t even pause to clean the mess off your shoulder and hair or you’ll ruin the magic.

Just as learning braille will cause you to go blind, and learning sign language will make you go deaf, and using a wheelchair when you don’t have to will cripple you, so too oral sex causes impotence.

A peach that talks back is usually not a blessing.

Pomegranates are the most reliable of the talking fruits.

Apples are the least, but they’re still much more reliable than lizards.

If a cloud starts to take the shape of an animal, you need to stop whatever you’re doing and stare at it. You’ve got to.

Don’t let the blue-jays steal your soul–why do you think bird shit is such good luck?

If you fall in love with Nature don’t let the god of Mammon and money find out about it–keep it on the down low.

If you really loved Nature you wouldn’t talk about her age all the time.

Don’t disrespect the other planets and never fart in the ocean when the tide is going out.

Sex during lightening on an exposed hilltop can put a new charge in your love life.

Masturbation during lightening on an exposed hilltop, however, is just asking for an ignominious death. Thor’s hammer is for lovers not loners.

If you scoff at a superstition hard enough, it will come true for you, even if it was never really true before. That’s how these things get started–not by believers but by the hyper-skeptics who get zonked.

Never taunt an egg but don’t over-empathize with them either just because you were one once–you need a good breakfast.

Profanities vs. Too Many Profanities vs. Too Many Anything

No one wants to hear the word “fuckin” all the time, but then again I don’t want to hear any word all the time. You keep using the word “liquefy” in casual conversation and I’m going to quickly get sick of it and wonder what’s with all this liquefying bullshit?

I guess the only words we don’t mind hearing all the time is “the” and “a.”

And “and.”

But that’s it—ok, and “that.”

But we certainly don’t want to hear “but” too much. You can get fired for saying “but” all the time; you can lose friends by always being the “but” guy—no one wants to always hear the potential problems highlighted before anything’s ever given a chance.

Even an innocuous little helper word like “which” cannot be said too frequently or else people think that you’re confused or that you think in run-on sentences—which never come to a definite conclusion—which you need to do in order to let other people talk—which is the whole point of conversation—which

I can’t take him anymore—he’s become so over-modified.”

In Guantanamo, one interrogator was able to break many prisoners by constantly using words like “penetrate” in his conversations with detainees:

No! Please don’t send me back to the ‘penetrate’ guy—I can’t take it anymore! Osama’s in Abbottobad! ….Abbottobad!…Yes, that’s a real place.. No, I don’t know how you would penetrate the security there—aagghhhh!

Fortunately, using too many innuendo-words during an interrogation is against the Geneva Conventions: captured soldiers should never have to suffer the way civilian women sometimes must.

So other than “a” and “the” no word is worth repeating all the time.

Not even “fucking.”

And if you do repeat certain words—any words—people will psychologize you. And you don’t want that!

Soon there will be an app that will instantly psychologize other people’s speech patterns.

Therefore, you will need to get the other app which warns you in advance when your own speech is starting to form patterns with unwanted implications.

Naturally, when kids get hold of their parents’ devices they test it out for themselves in their own way:

Hey computer, who the fuck are you to analyze my speech and tell me how to fuckin’ talk, huh?

Computer app: “Are you trying to sound drunk? Otherwise, your speech sounds angry. Desist using ‘fuck.’

Kids: “Desist this, fool!

Computer app: “Confrontational tone projected. Avoid confrontational perjoratives like ‘fool.Also, the whole ‘blank-this’ format is generally rude.”

George and Jerry Discuss the Sequester: a Seinfeld tribute/rip-off

What if this sequester thing actually starts to feel good? That’s a sign, isn’t it? A sign that, you know, you’re–

You’re what?

You’re, you know, a latent conservative.

We’re all latent conservatives! But we’re all latent everything else too, so cheer up–all of us could be anything!

What about if you watch FOX News and it moves?

What?

I think it moved–it may have moved!

Of course it moved, they have porn stars reading the news at FOX.

No, this was during Bill Hemmer!

Ohhhh. Well, look on the bright side–maybe it’s a latent gay thing more than a latent conservative thing.

Thank you very much! Just my luck–my true identity is not the frustrated neurotic heterosexual I appear to be–I’m really a Log Cabin Republican!

You can still be frustrated and neurotic and live in the Log Cabin.

I could be frustrated and neurotic in my own harem.

I bet it’s nice in there.

Where?

The Log Cabin…[muses] You know, the Log Cabin Republicans really should build an actual log cabin to promote their group. Like a visitors center.

A log cabin in DC!

A log cabin in DC–a super-posh but conservative log cabin of tasteful comfort. Berdache-fabulous, yet gentlemanly and properly restrained…I bet they could win a lot of converts that way. Especially on football days.

Gay converts or conservative converts?

Either way.

Severe Storms: Socialist Stimulus Schemes from the Sky

Storm damage causes economic growth:

  • All that money sitting in the coffers of insurance companies and reinsurance companies gets spent on building supplies and reconstruction work
  • In advance of the storms, sales are brisk on items that hardly ever sell otherwise
  • After the storm, people are desperate to satisfy all that pent-up demand

Storm damage is Keynesian–it causes good economic growth:
M
oney from insurance executives and investors goes to working people and middle class assets (houses)

Severe storms promote efficiency in the most worker-friendly way:
These are guilt-free days off with the kids and family–entirely guilt free, unlike a sick day or even a vacation day. A “storm day” that closes a city is as economically miraculous as if everyone in the area decided to take an impromptu personal day at the same time. Afterwards everyone comes back to work synced to the same rhythm of making up for lost days which is never too hard (increasing efficiency)

Storms make us look at the big picture:
We all want to live in our own little worlds but the one big world won’t let us.

Storms make us look at the little picture:
Specifically, how much can be fit into the corner of a wet life raft or helicopter sling.

Storms build social bonds within and across communities:
It’s hard to feel anything for these bland, middle-American, semi-rural places until a storm comes and tears them apart. Then they seem adorable.

Severe storm damage rebuilds bonds between responsive governments and people:

Atlas shrugged, freed from the burden of supporting the 47%… But then Sandy swept his beach-house out to sea and now he wants a bailout too.

“How was I supposed to know that there was this thing called ‘erosion’?”

“Who knew oceans were so big and sloppy? Who knew?”

From the Secret History of Unprofessional Communications

Boston, 1776:  Everyone celebrates the politely worded Declaration of Independence, but few people remember (much less honor) the Angry Barroom Declaration of Five Anonymous Drunks, who in March of 1776 dictated a bold but unsigned letter to His Majesty King George III:

“Fuck ye King!  Hark: we’re sick of yer shit!  Let’s get him, boys!  Aarrrhhhh!”

It is said that this declaration actually caused King George more consternation than the Continental Congress’ declaration of July 4, which critics at the time panned as wordy and melodramatic.

The Five Angry Drunks’ anonymous declaration was also less hypocritical–none of those louts had any interest in stealing Indian lands in the Ohio Valley. Not that they couldn’t have been bought by an offer of Ohio lands, but they were never offered.

The King responded by issuing a decree against “rogue notaries” and “rapscallion clerks” who went around recording and publicizing the seditious statements of publicly intoxicated people. The idea is that drunken people always say stupid things in public–the real crime is taking any of it seriously enough to write it down.

When Revolution actually broke out in earnest, two of these loud-talking louts were the first to enlist, having passed out in front of the recruiter’s house the night before, while the other three had to be dragged out of hiding from tavern basements. So they have a mixed record when it comes to backing up their declarations with armed service; yet still comparable to the number of signers of the July Declaration of Independence who actually fought or commanded in the Revolution (one third, according to constitutionfacts.com).