Getting Fully Empty

A lot of these UFO abduction reports seem to involve sperm and egg removal so if you’re a man you’re better off keeping yourself on empty.

By any means necessary

In fact, if more men walked around empty the world would be a safer place even without the aliens. I know it’s nice to tote around a reservoir of energy, ready for action, but it causes conflicts, so if the action is not realistically coming, you’re better off running on empty.

You’ll say less stupid things. Load level and long term planning vary inversely to each other, so think ahead and let it go first.

Empty stomachs cause wars but empty wabs sooth the savage beast.

A mother bear with cubs will kill you but a male bear who’s just made cubs won’t give a shit.

Are you really in love with her? Hollow your rocks and then think about whether you still want to be with her. Do you? Then you’re in love.

The poet Heinrich Heine said that draining the well dried up his Muse—yeah, lighter balls lead to less Hiney poems, no shit.

That was corny because I’m running light. But I’m at peace too. I certainly don’t need that.

Not yet… I’m good for now and now is all you get in life.

When you’re fully empty and you see a beautiful woman your life does not become deficient. You’re OK with it. Less is more, see.

It’s hard to think about God or philosophy with a heavy sack. Priests should be required to auto-deflate in order to get closer to God. You can’t be spiritual thinking about that ass! So just go ahead and think about that ass and get it over with and then spend the rest of the day on your meditations and services, unencumbered by those mindless little single-celled organisms that take over your thinking and cause half the world’s evil.

Because sperm liberation is human liberation.

And it fucks with the aliens’ evil agenda. I’ve never been abducted.

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Words and Phrases I’d Like to See Less Of

Game-changer:  Life is no game and games that don’t change aren’t any fun and aren’t really games.

Closure:  According to my Oxford Universal Dictionary from 1955, psychological closure did not exist back then. No one had it. Now suddenly no one can live without it. I need some closure on “closure.”

Empowering:  In a social setting, “power” means power over other people. One cannot have power in a social sense without some poor chump losing power. The Tennessee Value Authority, the Rural Electrification Program–now that was empowering!

Sea-change:  Other than pollution from human beings, the sea never changes; it’s always the same every time I look. It’s a biological fact that evolution occurs much slower in the ocean than on land. Witness the horseshoe crab–you couldn’t get away with that kind of static bullshit on land.

Cutting edge:  With so many people claiming to be cutting edge, it’s amazing the whole universe hasn’t been shredded yet.

Alpha male:  What’s wrong with the old-fashioned term “asshole?”

Climate change:  Let’s go back to “global warming” because that’s what it is and to hell with all the anti-intellectual stooges and the moneyed interests who have confused them with bullshit.

Medical science:  They’re just guessing and they’ve been guessing wrong for millennia.

Personal validation:  I wouldn’t mind this phrase if I were given a large red stamp that read “IN-VALID!” that I could stamp across the foreheads of the world’s six billion assholes.

Make love:  I prefer fucking. And when we fight or when you claim you have a headache, are we “making hate?”

Girl power:  See above comments on “empowering.”  Also, if we just got rid of all the “alpha males” (Pol Pot-style) everything would be all right, including gender relations.

Words and Phrases I’m Glad Are Dying:

Black-on-black crime:  What about White-on-Indian crime? Oh okay, that’s just American History. Or what about Jew-on-Jew lawsuits–now there’s a rampant problem!

War on terror:  This might be okay if we also had a war on anxiety and a war on boredom. Because I’m never terrified but I’m frequently anxious and bored. Even after 9-11 I wasn’t terrified.  And by 10-11 of the same year I was bored with the whole thing and very anxious about where our country was headed.

Family values:  Instead, let’s have “single guy values” and “pussy-whipped values.”  I’d also advocate for having “single woman values” but unfortunately all they seem to value is starting a family. What’s a “pussy-whipped value?” Well, for one, being so terrorized by terrorism that you’re willing to give up all your freedoms and privacy. Or hearing on the intercom that your commuter train will be delayed by five minutes and immediately getting on your cellphone to tell your spouse that “Honey, I’m going to be five minutes late.” Or take modern country music written by men–in the old days, it was all about fucking and fighting and gambling and rambling, but now it’s all about “Honey, I bought you these flowers to show you how sorry I am…”  Yeah, you’re sorry all right: Whip-crack!