Extreme Solutions

Fuck Palestine and fuck Israel–bring back Canaan!

Airline pilots can no longer leave the cockpit but must wear diapers instead.

In order to be truly free and equal, gays need their own homeland. Ditto for women.

Encourage and assist all Sunni jihadis to go to Syria. Then bomb them. Then feed their remains to pigs so that they’re ineligible for Heaven.

Repeal the 8th Amendment to the Constitution–allow cruel and unusual punishment for lawyers and judges who knowingly prosecute or convict innocent people.Torture them! Human rights are for people who care about other people’s human rights.

Don’t just legalize marijuana–issue it. Hand it out like government cheese back in the 80’s.

Give back Southern Appalachia to the Cherokees. We’re not using it.

Execute all motorists who don’t use their turn signal–if you’re too selfish and lazy to flick a switch you don’t deserve to live.

Institute the same gun laws as Dodge City in the Old Wild West–no guns allowed inside city limits. Out in the countryside, you can do what you want.dodge-guns

Variation on the Riddle of the Sphinx

Q:   What “special occasion” is joyous in the morning, awesome in the early afternoon, just what you needed in the late afternoon, and depressing as hell in the evening?

A:   Your birthday.

1 – 10:     Happy Birthday!  I got you this really fun toy!  Remember to share with your little brother…

11 – 19:   Happy birthday kid!  I got you this interesting and expensive device you always wanted!  Don’t let your little brother get into it and mess it up…

20 – 29:   Happy birthday man–I got you this really useful item I’m sure you could use in your new apartment.

30 – 39:   Happy birthday–I know I’m a little late, so to make up for it I got you this goofy little item to make you laugh. Remember when we used to–

40 – 49:   Happy Birthday–it is your birthday, right?–I couldn’t figure out what to get you so I got you this funny card about getting fat, bald and old. Obviously it’s just a joke–you’re still the Stud-King!

50 – 60:   Okay, I won’t mention it.  I don’t really celebrate mine either.  ‘Hate birthdays!

61 + :      Hi Grandpa, my kids drew you this cute little card.  Isn’t that sweet?  Now remember, it’s Little Junior’s birthday next month.  There’s this new “awesome” toy he says he wants–here, I’ll write it down on your calendar so you can remember…

America’s Crazy Weather: The Gulf of Mexico is Killing Us!

The Gulf of Mexico is Killing Us and Its Gotta Stop

The Gulf of Mexico is Killing Us and Its Gotta Stop

We’ve got to do something about this crazy weather.

We’ve got to attack the problem at its source–the Gulf of Mexico.

It’s killing us.

It’s not that it’s not beautiful. It just doesn’t flush enough.

Frankly, it’s tepid. Too tepid.

And it doesn’t handle global warming very well. Actually, it can’t handle it all–it just makes things worse.

If we could just get the cold waters of the eastern Pacific into the Gulf and Western Caribbean things would be great again just like they were prior to the joining of North and South America c. 3 million years ago.

We could warm up the tropics and grow a few polar ice caps all in the same geologic day! Net shoreline change: Zero!

Western Europe would be hard hit by these changes. Western Europe would become part of those lovely ice caps since the warm waters of the Gulf Stream would likely disappear.

The point is, Europe would pay dearly to get us to not mess with the Gulf Stream and its Unholy Mother, the Evil Goddess of Super-storms, the Gulf of Mexico.

Therefore, Solution #2 is not to abolish or change the Gulf of Mexico, but rather to TAX or EXTORT the Europeans with the continual threat of doing so.

It’s only fair that Europe should pay for tornado damage in America’s midwest, since both Europe’s habitability and our tornado damage come from the same stinking bowl of overheated water, the Gulf of Mexico.