Tag Archives: waste

Biology’s Missing Turds

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1. Every animal produces turds.

2. Even animals that eat turds, like my dog, produce their own, and so on down the turd-chain (sorry, turd-network, gotta stay up with the latest sci-talk)—all of which I’m responsible for cleaning lest I be accused of boorish dog-walking and having a dirty toilet.

3. Over the course of any animal’s lifespan, it always produces more turd-weight than it itself weighs (only the good die young).

4. The total global biomass of turd should thus always exceed the total global biomass of animals.

5. Yet the world doesn’t stink that much nor is it quite so shitty. In fact, it’s rather pleasant sometimes especially when you’re a kid unconcerned with everyone else’s shit.

ERGO: Not only do plants not produce turds (we already knew that) but obviously ipso facto they and their micro-minions produce virtually no waste whatsoever, lest the whole planetary surface be but Life and Turd, and eventually all turd, just like Planet Exlax, those poor stinky bastards—no don’t let them in!

Kill Your Doctor

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You’ll feel better in the morning. Much better.

And it will create jobs. Useless, overpaid jobs, but jobs nonetheless.

The fact is, if your body can’t heal itself, no healing will take place at all. The only thing a doctor can do for a non-healing body is prescribe a powerful chemical that causes a dozen other serious problems for every problem it partially alleviates.

And the stuff that really works–marijuana, sleep, laughter and prayer–they won’t touch with a 10-foot tongue depressor. Instead, they’ll send you to an unaffordable hospital where they wake you up every four hours for no reason and nothing is funny.

Their motto: Bill ’em and kill ’em.

How many people did Galen heal?  For thousands of years he was the world’s most respected physician, and guess what? Everything he said was bullshit!

(Everything except the stuff about leeches–turns out leeches really are good for you.)

If doctors weren’t so stupid drug companies wouldn’t have to spend so much money telling us what chemicals we need to take.

“Tell your doctor to prescribe you Dol-dol.”

Meaning that just by watching TV ads you’ll know more than your doctor.

As usual, Jesus got mistranslated. S/b:  “Physician, kill thyself!”

Medical Science’s Greatest Hits:

1.  Lobotomies

2.  Electro-shock “therapy”

3.  Bad vapor theory

4.  Out-of-balance “humors”

5.  Bile theory

6.  $1000 per hour

7.  Golf on Wednesdays

Weed Warnings for Colorado Citizens

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If you smoke pot, you will write poems and songs with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors and will not make any money. If you DON’T smoke pot, you will write letter-perfect business memos and make lots of money.

The choice is obvious.

If you smoke pot, you will have more fun exercising but will only exercise when it’s fun. Consequently, results will vary wildly. If you DON’T smoke pot, you will diligently and mirthlessly work out three times a week until complete burn-out sets in c. ten years later.

A little therapy and you’ll be fine.

If you smoke pot, food will taste so much better but you won’t be able to afford the good stuff. If you DON’T smoke pot, you will be able to afford the very best once in a while and therefore everything else will be a constant disappointment.

Wouldn’t you rather be constantly disappointed having known the best than idiotically satisfied by a peanut-butter & jelly sandwich? The choice is obvious.

If you smoke pot, you will become too polite and self-effacing, too humble, too Christ-like for today’s hustle-bustle world. But if you DON’T smoke pot, your insatiable ego will lead you to near-greatness.

Again, the choice is obvious—don’t be a loser like Him.

No wonder the Three Wise-Men from the East who visited him gave him “oil of canab” (i.e., oil of cannabis, or “hash oil”).*

To a baby!

Wake up Coloradans—weed is for musicians and peasant farmers. And pastoral nomads—like that Scythian warrior princess from 500 B.C. who was buried with a dime-bag.

The historical record is clear—things are unclear: weed has made messiahs, warrior princesses, assassins, and Louie Armstrong. But it’ll fuck you up.

Look, if you want the edge in life you’ve got to be edgy. And by definition edgy means uncomfortable, anxious, dissatisfied, living beyond the moment, i.e., NOT STONED.

Weed is like chocolate to the second power—no one deserves that kind of pleasure. It must be wrong–it must be bad. Look at you, just sitting there…

The real problem with weed is that it’s sustainable over the long-term. All the other drugs make you crash and get help. But with weed you can limp along, problems unnoticed, never crashing yet always burning.

Weed: you used to hide it from your parents. Now you’re hiding it from your kids.

* Note: this might not be true.