I Lost My Cock at Kandahar

It’s time we reached out and helped a group of wounded warriors who don’t normally get our attention. I’m talking about vets who got their dicks shot off.

These heroes gave their all. They gave more than their all–they gave their part.

“I gave my dick for this country! And a nut. Now I’m home I got what–a purple heart and some thank you’s?”

“When my country came calling, I put everything on the line, including my dick.”

“Do you know how painful it is to be with a woman and have her say ‘Wow, I really like you–it’s too bad you don’t have a dick.‘  That hurts, man. That really hurts. Especially from a whore.”

“No, I don’t’ want a special parade! No one does. Who wants to march under a banner that says ‘Dickless!‘? The fucking Pentagon wanted to give us a special modified Purple Heart and we said “No thanks!‘ No one wants to display a medal that proclaims ‘Hey I’m dickless!‘”

Helping these men is not easy. Sympathy dates often backfire and lead to mutual frustration. Male camaraderie is also hard to cultivate between combat vets and the normal civilian bitches who pass for men.

“It’s a sacrifice no woman can make and very few wives are willing to share.”

“I’ve had quadriplegics feel sorry for me.”

Not everyone is in a position to help. But we’re all in position to help those who are in a position to help. So give to the shady relief organization of your choice–the one with the slick graphics who pull all the right heartstrings. They’ll know what to do.

The Opposite of War

When we sent soldiers to war they often came back with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But now we’re sending them to Liberia to build hospitals and health infrastructure and everyone loves them there.

So now they’re coming home with the opposite of PTSD–post-ecstatic safety disorder–the same mental illness that afflicted all those Peace Corps freaks in the 60’s and 70’s.

“Ever since my deployment [to West Africa] I just don’t feel threatened anymore. I don’t even want to shoot at targets during training anymore.”

If PTSD resembles a bad acid trip flashback, experts have likened PESD to an overly touchy-feely MDMA session (aka “rolling on X”).

Training sergeant:  “Soldier, why did you fail to discharge your weapon at any of the pop-up targets?!”

Soldier:  “They were all friendlies, Sarg’! Look at ’em–they need schools and bridges and hospitals… and hugs, lots of hugs.”

The effect on military families cannot be overstated:

“Man, I sleep way too deeply now. I’ve become so mellow it drives my spouse crazy. ‘How come nothing upsets you anymore!?’ And then that just makes me laugh which drives them even more crazy.”

“Daddy’s not the same anymore. He lets my little brothers and sisters get away with murder. I had to grow up with bed-checks and mandatory PT every morning.”

The Pentagon has responded by quarantining all soldiers returning from non-warfare operations in West Africa. Not for Ebola, but rather to keep their touchy-feely neo-hippie mindset from infecting the rest of our forces.

It’s especially important, the Pentagon has realized, to keep all elite units such as the Rangers out of non-warfare operations where there is no chance for any old-fashioned Traumatic Stress to keep them on edge.

It turns out some people need to be kept on edge.

NATO is Bullshit: Nuke the World for Latvia?!

The name says it all: the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Therefore, if your country does not border the North Atlantic Ocean, you should not be part of NATO. That means you Turkey, Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, Poland. Please leave.

Besides, if you really think that Americans are going to send their children to die for you, then you’re fucking deluded.

Radical idea: honesty. Since it’s obviously NOT a North Atlantic treaty organization, let us call it for what it is: the Anti-Russia Treaty Organization (ARTO).

Instructive hypothetical: America invades and annexes Nova Scotia, Canada, claiming (correctly) that its Cajun people in Louisiana were wrongfully dispossessed of Acadia by the British back in the 1760s.

Russia’s military response to this hypothetical aggression: NOTHING!

They would piss and moan; they would complain to the U.N.; they might even slap us with some symbolic sanctions, but they would not lift a finger, much less fire a bullet or a nuclear weapon.

And that should be our official policy towards all of Russia’s neighbors except Alaska.

Estonia and Lithuania may be great countries, or they may be pieces of shit, I don’t know, but I do know that their independence is not worth destroying the world in a nuclear holocaust.



Jokes About Crimea, Russia, and Ukraine

•   Putin may have backed a loser in Yanukovych but if we continue to back the western Ukrainians we will be backing an entire nation of historical losers:

Ecstatic Ukrainians welcome the German army, 1941.

Ecstatic western Ukrainians welcome the German army, 1941.

Bhodan Khmelneytsky: Ukraine's national hero and committed porgromist

Bhodan Khmelneytsky: Ukraine’s national hero and committed pogromist

Monument to the murderous pogromist Bhodan Khmelneytsky in Kiev

Monument to the murderous pogromist Bhodan Khmelneytsky in Kiev, 1999.

Jewish exterminator Bhodan Khmelnytsky on modern Ukrainian money

Exterminator of Jews Bhodan Khmelneytsky on modern Ukrainian money

•  Ukraine is a case where a potential breadbasket is instead a basket case with no potential:

The GDP rate of Poland, Russia and Ukraine (the 1990 levels equals 100 percent)  source: National Statistics Committee, IMF

The GDP rate of Poland, Russia and Ukraine (the 1990 levels equals 100 percent) source: National Statistics Committee, IMF; from the webpage:  http://eng.globalaffairs.ru/number/n_6578

Hey, we’re almost up to the pre-Independence levels under late, decrepit communism! Whe-hew!

•   Richard Pryor on why Putin sent troops into Crimea:

Dey was home.

•   Yet another brilliant idea from America’s foreign policy establishment:  Let’s drum up a world war or at least a new Cold War to force the Crimea back into a country of which it was never really a part!

Crimea belongs to Ukraine about as much as the Panama Canal “belonged” to the United States.

•   Hypocrisy check:  does the United States of America–

–Support democratically elected governments?

Yanukovych was democratically elected.

–Oppose unprovoked invasions of foreign countries?

Can you imagine if Iraq in 2003 had a population that was 60% American?  Our Congress would have unanimously voted for military action just like Russia’s parliament did. (Instead, it “only” passed 297 to 133.)

–Support diplomatic solutions and internationally brokered peace agreements?

The western Ukrainian mob violated a days-old agreement brokered by Germany when they overthrew Yanukovich.

–Support the right of self-determination for all peoples?

The Crimea will vote later this month on whether they want to be part of the Ukraine. 

Spoiler alert:  they don’t!

And neither would you.

–Oppose anti-semitism wherever it rears its ugly head?Ukraine_Anti_Semitic_Protest__vinnews@hotmail_com

What Really Might Have Happened in the Afghanistan Massacre (the one where the soldier crept into the villages)

by Your Speculative Reporter
unbound by mere facts (spit!)

premise: there was method in the madness (not intended as mitigation or exculpation or exoneration)

The villagers had previously made clear to the US Army that they hated the Taliban and wanted them out but the Taliban had (forcibly) married themselves into the village clan structures. The local unwritten laws of hospitality and clan relationships thus make it impossible for the villagers to truly turn against the Taliban.

So perhaps this soldier figured that if he eliminated the family relationships in those two villages (i.e., massacred them in their sleep), the Taliban would no longer have any hold over these villages under the laws of hospitality and clan membership even if the fighters were or were not home at the time of the massacre!

[the preceding scenario is entirely speculative but has a high chance of being proven true at a later date, check back here for exciting postscripts when we know more]