advanced nescience for dummies; intellectual candy for your inner child if you'll just hop into the white van. Sorry Charlie, we want wisdom that's perverse, not perverts who are wise, although we'll probably take what we can get, as will Starkist now that there are no tuna, but that's a digression
Chattanooga military recruiters: They’re heroes because they got shot. I prefer military recruiters who don’t get shot.
Medgar Evers: I prefer civil rights activists who don’t get assassinated. And he did nothing for veterans–nothing!
Jesus: Call me Muslim or Jewish but I prefer messiahs who don’t get crucified.
Davy Crockett: He completely failed at stopping Mexican immigration.
Robin Williams: I prefer comedians who don’t kill themselves. Suicidal comedians who want to kill themselves should place banana peels on the edge of the Grand Canyon and dance dance dance!
King Arthur: Was a loser! For England’s sake I truly hope he was not “the once-and-future king.”
Nathan Hale: I prefer patriots and spies who don’t get caught and hanged. My only regret is that he gave his life for our country–I’d rather he gave us information on the enemy like he was supposed to.
Donald Trump: You want heroic? I held onto my Facebook stock back when every so-called “expert” said it was overvalued. Now I’m even more rich, very rich.
It’s time we reached out and helped a group of wounded warriors who don’t normally get our attention. I’m talking about vets who got their dicks shot off.
These heroes gave their all. They gave more than their all–they gave their part.
“I gave my dick for this country! And a nut. Now I’m home I got what–a purple heart and some thank you’s?”
“When my country came calling, I put everything on the line, including my dick.”
“Do you know how painful it is to be with a woman and have her say ‘Wow, I really like you–it’s too bad you don’t have a dick.‘ That hurts, man. That really hurts. Especially from a whore.”
“No, I don’t’ want a special parade! No one does. Who wants to march under a banner that says ‘Dickless!‘? The fucking Pentagon wanted to give us a special modified Purple Heart and we said “No thanks!‘ No one wants to display a medal that proclaims ‘Hey I’m dickless!‘”
Helping these men is not easy. Sympathy dates often backfire and lead to mutual frustration. Male camaraderie is also hard to cultivate between combat vets and the normal civilian bitches who pass for men.
“It’s a sacrifice no woman can make and very few wives are willing to share.”
“I’ve had quadriplegics feel sorry for me.”
Not everyone is in a position to help. But we’re all in position to help those who are in a position to help. So give to the shady relief organization of your choice–the one with the slick graphics who pull all the right heartstrings. They’ll know what to do.