Laughing at Bullets: Jokes Aliens Tell About Us

(With some terrestrial comments)

• Earthling sidles up to the Bar. He’s asked if he wants the Fruit of Knowledge or the Fruit of Life. “Neither,” he says, ”my science says they don’t exist and my religion forbids me from partaking.”

“Well, we have a kids’ menu…”

• Earthlings are smart. At the latest Interstellar Science Conference, Neil deGrasse Tyson proved the conference didn’t exist. Very persuasive fellow. Lots of gravitas. We gave him a silent ovation out of politeness.

• John the Baptist tells Advanced Visitors ”Repent!”

“But I’m a robot. My companion, however, is fully submersible and plagued with glitches.”

• Funniest Earthling theories about why we’re here:

~ ”They want our shiny rocks!” (Gold, etc.)

~ ”They want our highly inefficient labor!”

~ ”They want our under-powered, easily distracted minds!”

~ ”They’re jealous of our amazingly stupid self-centered culture!”

~ ”They want our precious DNA we shed everywhere.”

~ ”They want our precious sperm we cast about.”

~ ”If you build it they will come. And if we build it big enough we can defeat them and take their technology and kill them all!”

• Do you ever wonder why God created such a vast universe with so many different forms of life just to be a backdrop and supporting cast for Great Story of Earth and Humanity?

No? Then you must not be from around here.

• Bullets.

(That’s it, just the word bullets by itself is some kind of inside joke to them or a dismissive term similar to our “bullshit.” My best guess is that ”bullets” means any vain stupid thing or idea that makes you feel strong and right but really doesn’t mean shit and actually makes you an asshole for thinking it does.)

• Earthlings long to explore space and not find anything better lest they be unable to kill it. Nothing is more disturbing to them than something they can’t kill.

• They say a bad alien is one who frightens them that they are living wrong and need to adhere to the highest ethical codes of their religions, philosophies, and science, and that a good alien is one who secretly gives them technology to help them kill their enemies and their planet.

So yeah, we’re evil.

Very evil.

Alien Reconnaissance Report on Planet Earth

(Translated excerpts pertaining to the era of 20,000 b.p. to the present)

Section IV:   Advanced Information Processing Species

A.    Human Beings

1.   Ecological Type (check one):   Non-dominating and integrated ___;  Dominating and integrated ___;  Dominating and non-integrated __X__.

(for non-integrative dominators only)  Ecological sustainability:  None–rapidly decreasing biodiversity at the macro level causing increasing threat of microscopic pestilence as per Nyordyork’s Principle of Planetary Bio-Equilibrium.

2.   Economic System:  balanced exploitation

a.   Most frequently bought & sold item (excluding food and fuel):  weapons

b.   Second most frequently transacted item (measured in monetary units):  jewelry and shiny metals

c.   Most frequently transacted type of literary culture (excluding news and current events):  Religion and superstition

3.   Energy System:  non-renewable

4.   Political System:   fake democracies and actual dictatorships

5.   Cultural/Aesthetic Systems:  mostly species-specific

6.   Justice System:   biased towards the wealthy, even-handed towards the middle classes, and oppressive of the poor

7.   Potential for Selection/Advancement:   little to none because positive human mental traits do not correspond to any genetic groupings

RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION (check one):   Maintain protective guardianship ____;  Allow catastrophic selection event(s) ____; Remove keystone species __X__

(Moral of the story:  We’re fucked, and rightly so!)

Creative Civil Disobedience Project: Bum-Rush Area 51!

Several thousand people in several thousand vehicles head straight for the main entrance, guns blazing with rubber bullets if need be.  What’s that one little security truck on the hill going to do?

“Use of deadly force is authorized”?  Ok, so we’ll have plenty of real bullets in addition to our rubber bullets.

Plus lots of cameras and journalists and live internet feeds to record the assault.

Meanwhile, throughout the desert surrounding Area 51, thousands of activists gather around the perimeter, feinting an attack from multiple directions. All at once, they release thousands of helium balloons and Chinese lanterns with long strips of aluminum foil attached (so as to create false radar signals).which overwhelm the base’s air defense systems.

Hidden among these thousands of false radar signals are highly motivated activists in Ultra-lights and one-man helicopters for the aerial assault.

In conjunction with the ground and air assault on Area 51 itself, another group of highly motivated activists disrupts all Janet Airlines flights from Las Vegas to Area 51, thus preventing the security forces from being reinforced or relieved.

The only sticking point, as I see it, is the possible use of attack helicopters and fighter jets by the government–assuming they’re willing to massacre thousands of US citizens on camera, which I bloody doubt… Anyone got any Stinger Missiles?

Let’s roll!

What You Need to Know About Aliens

The most advanced aliens are desperately trying to figure out how to keep the universe from shredding itself to death due to Dark Energy–you think they give a fuck that their drill probes hurt your eyeballs?

You wouldn’t either. So have some empathy for their total lack of empathy.

Unlike the gods, if you pray to the aliens they will show up. Moral of the story: never pray to the aliens.

But mere imprecations and incantations don’t work so well as a broken heart, a contrite spirit, and a spaced-out mind. Moral of the story: don’t go fishing at night after a recent break-up. That’s just asking for alien abduction. No one will believe you.

Crop circles are alien gang tags. Hence their increasing fractal complexity over time as each gang out-does the other. (Obviously these are not the “most advanced aliens” mentioned above–these are their youths.)

Aliens are racist. They plan to exterminate Northeast Asians last. Gangnam Style now has them reconsidering.

Alien babysitters are notoriously unreliable but the good ones are out of this world.

Aliens are attracted to cheaper perfumes. So I’m afraid everyone’s going to have pay more.

If you find yourself aboard the DNA-donor Orgy Ship try to act studly and fit the part. Otherwise they’ll kill you.

Again, have some empathy–even the most primitive aliens are working on some big issues up there–asteroids, supernova, space-time wrinkles, gamma ray bursts, time-travel glitches, black holes, and rogue aliens (their kids).

Earthlings struggle with their pollution of space. Aliens struggle with their pollution of time. Ecology is humanity’s greatest cause. Historical conservation is the aliens’.

Just imagine trying to clean up Time after it gets all polluted by (among other things) drunken teenage gangs burning crop circles in people’s fields hundreds of years in advance of the first official Earth-Alien public contact ceremony.

So when people show up at your door looking like robot-clones of 1950s FBI guys and threaten to kill you and your entire family if you talk, have some empathy–they’re working on big issues and have a million headaches. Don’t be a million and one.

Besides, it’s just historical preservation from the future. So stay unpolluted. Fake it, even.