The Most Powerful Tattoo in the World

As president, Trump is legally entitled to tattoo the Great Seal of the United States on his penis. Doing so would allow his wife Melania to symbolically felate the nation.

Think of all the positive changes that could happen if you were symbolically felated by the president’s wife. And his mistress. And the other one too.

A lot can be accomplished from the Bully Prepuce because symbols have power and so do penises–when they’re good and ready. And now with viagra they’re all ready even if they’re no good.

You could make a very high-quality porno if you found talented Obama-Trump lookalikes. Think of the possibilities. Trump has. Omarosa is his Michelle.

It should be fairly easy to find porn actors who look like Eric and Don junior. In fact, I think they all do.

Porno presidency is the next evolutionary stage. We’ve gone from radio presidencies to TV presidencies and Hollywood presidencies. Now we have a reality show presidency.

But Trump can’t just wait for evolution to happen: he needs to go the next level. Public Relations 101 says get ahead of a negative story, so if the release of a Moscow hookers sex tape is inevitable, it’s only logical that Trump should do his own preemptive porn movie, one where he controls all the variables.

And that’s where a presidential seal tattoo would serve him–and us–very well indeed. The crazy publicity resulting from Trump’s release of Hail to the Penis: Extreme Vetting #MAGA! would drown out any noise from the release of the Moscow footage.

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Applied Conspiracism: Giving a Name to Trump’s Amorphous Political Philosophy

Conspiracism: The belief that major historical and political events are brought about as the result of a conspiracy between interested parties, or are manipulated by or on behalf of an unknown group of influential people; belief in or advocacy of conspiracy theories.Oxford Living Dictionary

Trump’s conspiracism deserves its own term.

First, there is the breadth of Trump’s conspiracism. Unlike many conpiracists, Trump does not limit himself to just one or two conspiracy theories. Virtually everything is best explained (or explained away) as the result of conspiracy: global warming, foreign competition, positive job numbers under Obama, the Battle for Mosul before he took it over, Obama’s birth and presidency, Ted Cruz’ father, the Deep State, etc. (Caveat: when he’s feeling charitable, Trump will use the explanation of stupid leadership, as in bad trade deals or bad military strategy).

As an “ecumenical” conspiratorial thinker, Trump is able to deploy any and all possible conspiracy theories as the situation demands; and of course invent new ones. This makes Trump’s brand of conspiracism much more flexible and practicable on a day-to-day basis when handling the various problems of campaigning and governing.

Amorphous conspiracism also allows Trump to publicly communicate with his fellow conspiracists semi-surreptitiously through hints and omissions of condemnation, such as republishing conspiratorial propaganda and then excusing it as a mistake, an oversight. The message to fellow conspiracists is: I’m with you, and my tepid public retractions are just a front to appease people not yet enlightened by conspiracism.

Most importantly, Trump’s brand of conspiricism is centered around the unspoken credo that fighting the vast conspiratorial forces of the world requires that one engage in counter-conspiracies, even if that means colluding with openly hostile foreign powers like Russia.

Trump’s conspiratorial political philosophy and conspiratorial political practice thus requires its own new, huge, fabulous term. Amorphous conspiracism? Ecumenical or universalist conspiracism?

“Applied conspiracism” is advantaged over these other terms for several reasons: Trump used conspiracism to win the Republican nomination and the presidency; Trump is now positioned to act on his conspiratorial beliefs; the President shows no sign of being any less conspiratorial than he was when he was an outsider candidate; and lastly, because it’s becoming more and more apparent that Trump and his team conspired with internet trolls, white racists, and hostile foreign powers in their campaign to gain power.

Great Moments in Speculative History

Secret Emergency Conclave of the Elites c. January 2017:

Democratic Elite: We’ve got Trump dead-to-rights on the Russia hack, Russian blackmail, and Russian money, but we need you, the Republican Elite, to go along with redressing the wrongs. You know, for the good of the country.

Republican Elite: Ok, but what’s in it for us? What can you give us?

[Back-and-forth colloquy. Summary: Republican Elite agrees it’s for the good of the country but that the Republicans deserve political compensation for the inevitable losses they face after the shit hits the fan, and that a crippled Mike Pence presidency is not enough.]

Democratic Elite: Look, we’ll delay the hammer-drop on Trump for a few months to give you time to enact a first-year agenda, if you can. And you get Pence.

Republican Elite: Deal!

KGB-Approved

When I was at the University of Florida back in the 1984 the College Republicans would put “KGB-Approved” stickers on pro-Mondale bulletin board posts. Well, here’s your shit coming right back at you with infinitely more factual justification:

kgb_approved

And yeah, I know they’re now  called the  FSB but KGB sounds better and they haven’t changed.

Plus a few more memes by me:

buddha

j-lo

nice_ass

The above pic has been enhanced, I believe, but I know for a fact that this one has not:

j-lo2

maga

russia_if_youre_listening