With the 2016 Political Olympiad approaching, candidates need to be prepared to woo those strangely moderate independents:
Q: Would you attend a gay wedding?
A: How gay? Very gay? Or just gay? I might make up an excuse if it was going to be a very gay wedding.
Q: What do you read?
A: I always put on the close-captions. So everything.
Q: Do you have enough experience?
A: Only the dead have enough experience.
Q: Should taxpayer money pay for abortions?
A: I believe in life insurance for the unborn. That way the abortion pays for itself.
Q: Did the Surge work?
A: I’m more interested in making the work surge than debating whether bribing Sunni tribesmen led to victory in a complicated foreign adventure.
Q: Do people have the right to die?
A: They do, but absent any crime, we don’t have the right to kill them. Therefore, we need to make up a fake crime that people can easily commit when they want us to kill them. Like standing in a box on the freeway, or something.
Q: Have you ever lusted in your heart?
A: Lust? Describe what you’re talking about. Be specific. Give examples from your own experience so that I can better understand the question.
Q: Should a 14-year-old girl seeking an abortion have to tell her parents?
A: She should have to tell the coolest member of her family–an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent–someone who can handle it. Then they sign the note on behalf of the fucked up family.
Q: Do you believe in God?
A: God believes in us, that’s what counts, and that’s what’s scary… It seems oddly fallible.