The Social Psychology of Homo Interneticus

Everyone is a revelation or at least an instantiation of a revelation. Special-ness is not diminished by duplication.

Other people’s opinions are worth the time it takes to elicit them. It’s just the content of their opinions that are worthless.

The Ancestors become alive when you become old.

Non-college people become more collegey when they get older while college people become less collegey.

When it comes to sympathy, validation, approval or camaraderie, quantity surpasses quality.

If postcards, greeting cards and postage had been free we could have had Facebook and Twitter hundreds of years ago.

Conversation is propaganda and everyone else’s comments are always somehow inappropriate.

Clicking buttons is hard work and scrolling even harder. No information is worth more than four clicks to get at.

A picture is worth a thousand words but a picture with words on it is worth a thousand pictures. Force multiplier.

Be honest and forthcoming in private conversation; be a little more guarded in small groups. Before large audiences, stick to the script or an outline. But when the whole world is listening, let it all hang out.

It’s a great joy to say you’ve already seen or read something and an even greater joy to show it to someone who hasn’t. Especially when they go 😮

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Profanities vs. Too Many Profanities vs. Too Many Anything

No one wants to hear the word “fuckin” all the time, but then again I don’t want to hear any word all the time. You keep using the word “liquefy” in casual conversation and I’m going to quickly get sick of it and wonder what’s with all this liquefying bullshit?

I guess the only words we don’t mind hearing all the time is “the” and “a.”

And “and.”

But that’s it—ok, and “that.”

But we certainly don’t want to hear “but” too much. You can get fired for saying “but” all the time; you can lose friends by always being the “but” guy—no one wants to always hear the potential problems highlighted before anything’s ever given a chance.

Even an innocuous little helper word like “which” cannot be said too frequently or else people think that you’re confused or that you think in run-on sentences—which never come to a definite conclusion—which you need to do in order to let other people talk—which is the whole point of conversation—which

I can’t take him anymore—he’s become so over-modified.”

In Guantanamo, one interrogator was able to break many prisoners by constantly using words like “penetrate” in his conversations with detainees:

No! Please don’t send me back to the ‘penetrate’ guy—I can’t take it anymore! Osama’s in Abbottobad! ….Abbottobad!…Yes, that’s a real place.. No, I don’t know how you would penetrate the security there—aagghhhh!

Fortunately, using too many innuendo-words during an interrogation is against the Geneva Conventions: captured soldiers should never have to suffer the way civilian women sometimes must.

So other than “a” and “the” no word is worth repeating all the time.

Not even “fucking.”

And if you do repeat certain words—any words—people will psychologize you. And you don’t want that!

Soon there will be an app that will instantly psychologize other people’s speech patterns.

Therefore, you will need to get the other app which warns you in advance when your own speech is starting to form patterns with unwanted implications.

Naturally, when kids get hold of their parents’ devices they test it out for themselves in their own way:

Hey computer, who the fuck are you to analyze my speech and tell me how to fuckin’ talk, huh?

Computer app: “Are you trying to sound drunk? Otherwise, your speech sounds angry. Desist using ‘fuck.’

Kids: “Desist this, fool!

Computer app: “Confrontational tone projected. Avoid confrontational perjoratives like ‘fool.Also, the whole ‘blank-this’ format is generally rude.”

The Glorious Future of Weapons Technology

In the immediate future we should expect:

  • Drone-killing drones (DKD’s)
  • Mini-drones to protect against DKD’s
  • Mini-drones within ICBMs (intercontinental ballistic missiles) to protect against ABMs (anti-ballistic missiles). Goodbye nuclear security…
  • On the brighter side, bullets will call 911 when fired.

Looking beyond over the next 120 years we can expect:

  • Smart hand grenades
  • Bombs that outrank sergeants
  • And finally, Artificial Intelligence programmed to destroy the enemy–the enemy meaning “other” human beings. What could go wrong? Really, what could possibly happen?

So invest now.

Two Precursors to the Internet Unite to Overtake It

22,000 B.C.:  Pigeons domesticated.pigeon

20,000 B.C.:   Pigeon-net established, a fully interconnected network of carrier pigeons across much of Ice Age Europe and Asia (what the people at the time called “the Late Glacial Maximum”).Pigeon NetImportant messages can now travel faster than the wind.

And of course porn, lots of porn:

venus-lespugeVenus-of-Willendorf-24000BCvenus7

15,000 B.C.:  People discover that the information in 3-dimensional Venus figurines can be “compressed” into several 2-dimensional drawings on hide or bark and thus be transported by pigeon much more easily than figurines. As with all inventions, not everyone welcomed this as progress: “I don’t want porn I can’t feel!

4,000 B.C.:  Indo-European invaders destroy the Pigeon-net in their conquest of Europe, replacing it with their much less efficient horse-borne system of communication. Pigeon networking becomes the pastime of local ham operators.

Pigeon Net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  superior speed and accuracy in rural or undeveloped areas; immune to hacking; greater privacy; allows “downloading” of actual objects and money, not just information.

Disadvantages:  4 ounce weight limit; AWOL pigeons; lazy pigeons; dumb pigeons; stubborn pigeons; moody pigeons; psychotic pigeons; and CATS, which stands for Cats Attacking The System.

Cats attacking the communication system

Cats attacking the communication system:  message not received

 A.D. 1968:  CB Radios made smaller and affordable → birth of the Redneck-net

CBMicrosoft Word - Figure 2.doc

Redneck-net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  no spam, no porn, no ads, tweet-friendly, good cop reports go viral, hookers have their own channel

Disadvantages:  no porn, no text, no images, no video, too many rednecks

The Future:  Directional Beaming technology (not yet invented) allows CB radio to reach across continents. Channel Hovering allows private conversations to be established which “hover” randomly around the main CB channel (which is public and crowded). At the same time, genetic engineering produces super-swift pigeons with a dog’s eagerness to please; it also eliminates all the bad rednecks. And the micro-storage of information is already old hat. The inevitable result is the emergence and triumph of the Intercontinental CB-Pigeon Net, with all the advantages of pigeon-net and redneck-net combined over global distances.

Breaker One-nine, we got an illegal convoy of 10,000 pigeons flyin’ towards the border tonight. So order your contraband now. Do you copy? (over)