Christmas Magic Delivery

In December I worked as a temporary “jumper” for UPS delivering packages to businesses and residences during the hectic Christmas rush. For a while it seemed like the third funnest job I’ve ever had, right behind contract archaeology and college bartending.

People were genuinely glad to see me, sometimes ecstatic. I was popular again! In Seinfeld terms, I got paid to hand out other people’s big salads and get thanked for it.

One night, around 10:00, I delivered a package to a lady and her young daughter. The lady commented that they had us out late that night. Yes ma’am, I told her, we’ll probably be out until midnight tonight.

Cool!!!” exclaimed the young girl.

And for a while it really did seem cool. Very cool, in fact…

But then came January–cold, wet, dreary–and it became just another shit-job.

So you see, kids, it was really the Magic of Christmas that made it seem so fun and cool. And that’s how I know that this Christmas Magic stuff is fucking real. Now get some sleep, kids.

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Harper Lee Sequel – Prequels

The Lord of the Rings:  Gandalf is a dick. Sauron is just a prisoner of his times.

The Cather in the Rye:  Holden Caulfield is a phony.

Lord of the Flies:  Ralph becomes the real dictator. A liberal dictator.

A Christmas Carol:  Tiny Tim Cratchit is a manipulative little twerp.

The Old Man and the Sea:  Is a perv.

Dr. Zhivago:  Is a quack.

James Bond:  Dorky in high school and then impotent. Later incontinent. Then in mid-career he develops uncontrollable projectile vomiting and narcolepsy.

On the Road:  Kerouac/Sal Paradise blows off his friend and stays home with his Mom/Aunt.