If we all dumped our high-maintenance friends all at the same time
If we all took each other’s advice and finally cut the shit
If everyone got fired and rehired with a better attitude and a little more money
If we all slept in mausoleums
If everyone thought Big Brother was watching
Excess farm production was crammed down our throats
If all the religions peacefully merged into a Thursday night story-telling contest… hosted by Garrison Keillor
If everyone blacked out when you blacked out and remembered less
If business leaders had to eat their losses and regurgitate to their young, like vultures
If everyone saw a therapist, a really good therapist, not like those other ones
If we all had to wear mug-shot necklaces introducing our crimes
If we all believed in Rick Warren and worshipped at the tomb of Jerry Fallwell
If we abandoned all our current, false relationships and followed God’s match for us at ChristianMingle.com
(While having hot steamy affairs with the freaks at Match!)
If everyone practiced the hypocrisy they preached
If everyone declared a War on Evil and took out one evil person for every ten innocent bystanders they killed
Never taunt an egg, just because it didn’t make it.
Don’t trust lizards–they’re much too talkative (Carlos Castaneda).
If you see a squirrel spitting out a nut, you better look behind you really quick.
Never use the same noose twice.
Whenever a bird shits on you, immediately buy a lottery ticket–don’t even pause to clean the mess off your shoulder and hair or you’ll ruin the magic.
Just as learning braille will cause you to go blind, and learning sign language will make you go deaf, and using a wheelchair when you don’t have to will cripple you, so too oral sex causes impotence.
A peach that talks back is usually not a blessing.
Pomegranates are the most reliable of the talking fruits.
Apples are the least, but they’re still much more reliable than lizards.
If a cloud starts to take the shape of an animal, you need to stop whatever you’re doing and stare at it. You’ve got to.
Don’t let the blue-jays steal your soul–why do you think bird shit is such good luck?
If you fall in love with Nature don’t let the god of Mammon and money find out about it–keep it on the down low.
If you really loved Nature you wouldn’t talk about her age all the time.
Don’t disrespect the other planets and never fart in the ocean when the tide is going out.
Sex during lightening on an exposed hilltop can put a new charge in your love life.
Masturbation during lightening on an exposed hilltop, however, is just asking for an ignominious death. Thor’s hammer is for lovers not loners.
If you scoff at a superstition hard enough, it will come true for you, even if it was never really true before. That’s how these things get started–not by believers but by the hyper-skeptics who get zonked.
Never taunt an egg but don’t over-empathize with them either just because you were one once–you need a good breakfast.
No one wants to hear the word “fuckin” all the time, but then again I don’t want to hear any word all the time. You keep using the word “liquefy” in casual conversation and I’m going to quickly get sick of it and wonder what’s with all this liquefying bullshit?
I guess the only words we don’t mind hearing all the time is “the” and “a.”
But that’s it—ok, and “that.”
But we certainly don’t want to hear “but” too much. You can get fired for saying “but” all the time; you can lose friends by always being the “but” guy—no one wants to always hear the potential problems highlighted before anything’s ever given a chance.
Even an innocuous little helper word like “which” cannot be said too frequently or else people think that you’re confused or that you think in run-on sentences—which never come to a definite conclusion—which you need to do in order to let other people talk—which is the whole point of conversation—which …
“I can’t take him anymore—he’s become so over-modified.”
In Guantanamo, one interrogator was able to break many prisoners by constantly using words like “penetrate” in his conversations with detainees:
“No! Please don’t send me back to the ‘penetrate’ guy—I can’t take it anymore! Osama’s in Abbottobad! ….Abbottobad!…Yes, that’s a real place.. No, I don’t know how you would penetrate the security there—aagghhhh!”
Fortunately, using too many innuendo-words during an interrogation is against the Geneva Conventions: captured soldiers should never have to suffer the way civilian women sometimes must.
So other than “a” and “the” no word is worth repeating all the time.
Not even “fucking.”
And if you do repeat certain words—any words—people will psychologize you. And you don’t want that!
Soon there will be an app that will instantly psychologize other people’s speech patterns.
Therefore, you will need to get the other app which warns you in advance when your own speech is starting to form patterns with unwanted implications.
Naturally, when kids get hold of their parents’ devices they test it out for themselves in their own way:
“Hey computer, who the fuck are you to analyze my speech and tell me how to fuckin’ talk, huh?”
Computer app: “Are you trying to sound drunk? Otherwise, your speech sounds angry. Desist using ‘fuck.’ ”
Kids: “Desist this, fool!”
Computer app: “Confrontational tone projected. Avoid confrontational perjoratives like ‘fool.’ Also, the whole ‘blank-this’ format is generally rude.”
What if this sequester thing actually starts to feel good? That’s a sign, isn’t it? A sign that, you know, you’re–
You’re, you know, a latent conservative.
We’re all latent conservatives! But we’re all latent everything else too, so cheer up–all of us could be anything!
What about if you watch FOX News and it moves?
I think it moved–it may have moved!
Of course it moved, they have porn stars reading the news at FOX.
No, this was during Bill Hemmer!
Ohhhh. Well, look on the bright side–maybe it’s a latent gay thing more than a latent conservative thing.
Thank you very much! Just my luck–my true identity is not the frustrated neurotic heterosexual I appear to be–I’m really a Log Cabin Republican!
You can still be frustrated and neurotic and live in the Log Cabin.
I could be frustrated and neurotic in my own harem.
I bet it’s nice in there.
The Log Cabin…[muses] You know, the Log Cabin Republicans really should build an actual log cabin to promote their group. Like a visitors center.
A log cabin in DC!
A log cabin in DC–a super-posh but conservative log cabin of tasteful comfort. Berdache-fabulous, yet gentlemanly and properly restrained…I bet they could win a lot of converts that way. Especially on football days.
Gay converts or conservative converts?
Boston, 1776: Everyone celebrates the politely worded Declaration of Independence, but few people remember (much less honor) the Angry Barroom Declaration of Five Anonymous Drunks, who in March of 1776 dictated a bold but unsigned letter to His Majesty King George III:
“Fuck ye King! Hark: we’re sick of yer shit! Let’s get him, boys! Aarrrhhhh!”
It is said that this declaration actually caused King George more consternation than the Continental Congress’ declaration of July 4, which critics at the time panned as wordy and melodramatic.
The Five Angry Drunks’ anonymous declaration was also less hypocritical–none of those louts had any interest in stealing Indian lands in the Ohio Valley. Not that they couldn’t have been bought by an offer of Ohio lands, but they were never offered.
The King responded by issuing a decree against “rogue notaries” and “rapscallion clerks” who went around recording and publicizing the seditious statements of publicly intoxicated people. The idea is that drunken people always say stupid things in public–the real crime is taking any of it seriously enough to write it down.
When Revolution actually broke out in earnest, two of these loud-talking louts were the first to enlist, having passed out in front of the recruiter’s house the night before, while the other three had to be dragged out of hiding from tavern basements. So they have a mixed record when it comes to backing up their declarations with armed service; yet still comparable to the number of signers of the July Declaration of Independence who actually fought or commanded in the Revolution (one third, according to constitutionfacts.com).
The most advanced aliens are desperately trying to figure out how to keep the universe from shredding itself to death due to Dark Energy–you think they give a fuck that their drill probes hurt your eyeballs?
You wouldn’t either. So have some empathy for their total lack of empathy.
Unlike the gods, if you pray to the aliens they will show up. Moral of the story: never pray to the aliens.
But mere imprecations and incantations don’t work so well as a broken heart, a contrite spirit, and a spaced-out mind. Moral of the story: don’t go fishing at night after a recent break-up. That’s just asking for alien abduction. No one will believe you.
Crop circles are alien gang tags. Hence their increasing fractal complexity over time as each gang out-does the other. (Obviously these are not the “most advanced aliens” mentioned above–these are their youths.)
Aliens are racist. They plan to exterminate Northeast Asians last. Gangnam Style now has them reconsidering.
Alien babysitters are notoriously unreliable but the good ones are out of this world.
Aliens are attracted to cheaper perfumes. So I’m afraid everyone’s going to have pay more.
If you find yourself aboard the DNA-donor Orgy Ship try to act studly and fit the part. Otherwise they’ll kill you.
Again, have some empathy–even the most primitive aliens are working on some big issues up there–asteroids, supernova, space-time wrinkles, gamma ray bursts, time-travel glitches, black holes, and rogue aliens (their kids).
Earthlings struggle with their pollution of space. Aliens struggle with their pollution of time. Ecology is humanity’s greatest cause. Historical conservation is the aliens’.
Just imagine trying to clean up Time after it gets all polluted by (among other things) drunken teenage gangs burning crop circles in people’s fields hundreds of years in advance of the first official Earth-Alien public contact ceremony.
So when people show up at your door looking like robot-clones of 1950s FBI guys and threaten to kill you and your entire family if you talk, have some empathy–they’re working on big issues and have a million headaches. Don’t be a million and one.
Besides, it’s just historical preservation from the future. So stay unpolluted. Fake it, even.
20,000 B.C.: Pigeon-net established, a fully interconnected network of carrier pigeons across much of Ice Age Europe and Asia (what the people at the time called “the Late Glacial Maximum”).Important messages can now travel faster than the wind.
And of course porn, lots of porn:
15,000 B.C.: People discover that the information in 3-dimensional Venus figurines can be “compressed” into several 2-dimensional drawings on hide or bark and thus be transported by pigeon much more easily than figurines. As with all inventions, not everyone welcomed this as progress: “I don’t want porn I can’t feel!”
4,000 B.C.: Indo-European invaders destroy the Pigeon-net in their conquest of Europe, replacing it with their much less efficient horse-borne system of communication. Pigeon networking becomes the pastime of local ham operators.
Pigeon Net vs. the Internet:
Advantages: superior speed and accuracy in rural or undeveloped areas; immune to hacking; greater privacy; allows “downloading” of actual objects and money, not just information.
Disadvantages: 4 ounce weight limit; AWOL pigeons; lazy pigeons; dumb pigeons; stubborn pigeons; moody pigeons; psychotic pigeons; and CATS, which stands for Cats Attacking The System.
Redneck-net vs. the Internet:
Advantages: no spam, no porn, no ads, tweet-friendly, good cop reports go viral, hookers have their own channel
Disadvantages: no porn, no text, no images, no video, too many rednecks
The Future: Directional Beaming technology (not yet invented) allows CB radio to reach across continents. Channel Hovering allows private conversations to be established which “hover” randomly around the main CB channel (which is public and crowded). At the same time, genetic engineering produces super-swift pigeons with a dog’s eagerness to please; it also eliminates all the bad rednecks. And the micro-storage of information is already old hat. The inevitable result is the emergence and triumph of the Intercontinental CB-Pigeon Net, with all the advantages of pigeon-net and redneck-net combined over global distances.
Breaker One-nine, we got an illegal convoy of 10,000 pigeons flyin’ towards the border tonight. So order your contraband now. Do you copy? (over)
Radical Film Awards:
|Sexist/Capitalist Pig Film Awards:
|Most Exploited Actress||
Best Exploited Actress
|Most Exploited Actor||
Most Beer-Worthy Actor
|Exploiter of the Year||
Exploiter of the Year (yay!)
|Most Insipidly Commercial||
|Best Labor Practices||
Biggest Budget Well Spent
|Worst Labor Practices||
Biggest Budget Poorly Spent
|Best Nonviolent Drama||
Best Chick-Flick Good Enough to Shut Her Up for a While
|Worst Nonviolent Drama||
Best Chick-Flick for Diverting Her Need to Complain and then Putting Her to Sleep
|Best Non-Patriarchal Romantic Lead||
And big lobbies need big names like Big Oil and Big Pharma:
Garbage Disposal Lobby: Big Waste
British Cigarette Lobby: Big Fag
Comedians’ Lobby: Big Fool
Sikh Lobby: Big Turban
Marijuana Lobby: Big Dope
Low-End Retail Lobby: Big Discount!
Irish-American Lobby: Big Mick
Restaurant Servers’ Lobby: Big Tip
Philosophy Lobby: Big Question
Sex Workers’ Lobby: Big Bang
Actors’ Lobby: Big Phony
Actresses’ Lobby: Big Drama
Private Investigators’ Lobby: Big Dick
Cat Lovers Lobby: Big Pussy
Dog Breeders’ Lobby: Big Bitch
Horse Breeders’ Lobby: Big Stud
Chicken Farmers’ Lobby: Big Cock
Bra Industry Lobby: Big Boost
Tight Male Underwear Lobby: Big Lift
Nano-tech Lobby: Big Little
Pro-Capitalist Religious Lobby: Big Prophit
Crime Scene Investigators’ Lobby: Big Body Count
Islamic Dress Lobby: Big Cover-up
Distraught Procrastinators’ Lobby: Big To Do
High-Fashion Lobby: Big Priss
Flood Engineers’ Lobby: Big Dike
Teenagers’ Lobby: Big Duh
Educational Testing Lobby: Big Problem
Shy People’s Lobby: Big Nevermind
The Merry-But-Rowdy Drinkers’ Lobby: Big Brew Ha Ha
Now that we know Europeans and Asians have some Neanderthal DNA it is definitely time to revise our opinions of Neanderthals and start portraying them as smart. No bias. What bias?
Historians need to dig up Columbus’ bones and test to see if he had any gay DNA:
Mystery: those were some long-ass voyages.
Mystery: he could have been a weaver like his father and been surrounded by Italian women aggrieved by the mistress system, but no, he wanted to be alone with sailors and cabin boys far from home. Far from whorehouses even.
Mystery: Columbus had a dark secret he wouldn’t even tell his sons, but perhaps it was a secret we might think of today as more rainbow-bright than dark.
If genes are so selfish, as Dr. Dawkins professes, then gay genes must be the least selfish. They just keep giving and giving and giving.
It’s debatable whether there is true homosexuality in the animal kingdom but we know that plants are very gay. As much male pollen ends up on other male plants as on female plants.
And they’re huge Onanists, casting most of their pollen on the ground.
Plants were the first creatures to whore themselves out to other species, flaunting big round hot-colored fruits and flowers for anyone to just come and poke around in. All for sex and a cheap ride.
And plants love gerbils. As a general rule, the bigger the plant, the more they like gerbils. They call it “aerating the soil”–digging tunnels in the dirt and tickling their tap roots. But a lot of rodents die in those tunnels so it’s not funny.