George and Jerry Discuss the Sequester: a Seinfeld tribute/rip-off

What if this sequester thing actually starts to feel good? That’s a sign, isn’t it? A sign that, you know, you’re–

You’re what?

You’re, you know, a latent conservative.

We’re all latent conservatives! But we’re all latent everything else too, so cheer up–all of us could be anything!

What about if you watch FOX News and it moves?

What?

I think it moved–it may have moved!

Of course it moved, they have porn stars reading the news at FOX.

No, this was during Bill Hemmer!

Ohhhh. Well, look on the bright side–maybe it’s a latent gay thing more than a latent conservative thing.

Thank you very much! Just my luck–my true identity is not the frustrated neurotic heterosexual I appear to be–I’m really a Log Cabin Republican!

You can still be frustrated and neurotic and live in the Log Cabin.

I could be frustrated and neurotic in my own harem.

I bet it’s nice in there.

Where?

The Log Cabin…[muses] You know, the Log Cabin Republicans really should build an actual log cabin to promote their group. Like a visitors center.

A log cabin in DC!

A log cabin in DC–a super-posh but conservative log cabin of tasteful comfort. Berdache-fabulous, yet gentlemanly and properly restrained…I bet they could win a lot of converts that way. Especially on football days.

Gay converts or conservative converts?

Either way.

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You’ve Probably Never Heard of the True Christian Charity–and Probably Never Will

Because at True Christian Charity® we distribute money and assistance the way Jesus taught.

Interviewer: What are some of the more prominent charitable projects undertaken by the TCC (the True Christian Charity) over the last few years?

TCC Representative:  I can’t say. I mean, I won’t say.

Interviewer:  Won’t say? Why not?

TCC:  Because when it comes to charitable giving, Jesus said “When thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth” [Matthew 6:3]. That means keep it a secret even from yourself. And Jesus often bade the recipients of his miracles to stay quiet about it. A true Christian does not publicly display their piety or their virtue [Mark 12:40].

Interviewer:  How do you make sure your gifts are going to the truly needy?

TCC:  We don’t.

Interviewer:  But you could end up giving to criminals and other un-worthies.

TCC:  “Him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also” [Luke 6:29].

 Interviewer:  What if it’s al-Qaeda?

TCC:  We hope it is al-Qaeda: “Resist not evil: but whoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also [Matthew 5:39]. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who spitefully use you, and persecute you” [Matthew 5:44]. “Vengeance is mine; I will repay” [Hebrews 10:30].

Interviewer:  What are some of your future plans at TCC looking forward?

TCC:  No plans whatsoever:  “Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself” [Matthew 6:34].

Interviewer:  Is there any charitable project that TCC will not assist?

TCC:  Yes, TCC will not help anyone with their funeral expenses, no matter how destitute you might be: “Let the dead bury the dead” [Matthew 8:22].

Interviewer:  So how can people get in touch with the TCC? Do you have a website?

TCC:  No, that would be vain and boastful.

Interviewer: So how can people contact the TCC?

TCC:  In private. Alone. In your secret places where you can shut the door behind you [Matthew 6:6]. Or on mountaintops, near clean bodies of water, fishing camps, fishing holes, anything to do with fishing–that’s where many TCC staffers spend their time. But you might also find them in an IRS office or outside a whorehouse. You never know. But they’re rarely at the mall.

Interviewer: How can you identify TCC staffers?

TCC:  You can’t. We have no special vestments for even Solomon in all his regal glory could not compare to a lily [Luke 12:27]. The only way to know for sure is to hang out at the base of sacred mountains and see who comes down transfigured [Matthew 17:2].

Interviewer:  If you eschew all publicity, then why are you doing this interview?

TCC:  Because I’m a hypocrite. They’re going to shun me for sure.