Discourse on Shit, All of It

• Shit’s great, til it ain’t

Shit’s okay if it goes away

Shit’s only good if it’s understood

Shit works, so apply yourself

• It doesn’t matter how bad your shit stinks as long as it also smells like money

• If you keep sniffing for it eventually you’ll find that great big pile of negative crap you’re apparently seeking—and then you’ll be happy

• People And Their Shit: An Introduction to Anthropology, Sociology, Social Psychology and History (even though it’s Math)

• When you get really old, every fart’s a gamble. I think I’m safe, for now.

…What was that?!

Better check, brb

• See: Location, location, location!

• Money talks—talks shit. Lots of shit. Bullshit only imitates it. And you’re always better-off taking Money’s shit than some broke-ass BS

• Shitty people leading shitty lives are the salt of the earth; God is mysterious like that

• Did you hear about the burned out paleo-fecologist?

“It’s the same old shit everyday!”

“…You forgot your tweezers”

• Ah, the doorbell/ phone ring/ alarm clock vs. messy bottom dilemma, yes…

• Scratched out of Alanis Morrisette’s notebook:

It’s like taking a dump after you’ve just had a bath

• I don’t laugh at shit jokes. In front of women.

What, this ho???

• I love my fuckin’ country so much I could just shit!

So don’t test me, Commie!”

• What do you call a dude taking a shit out in public during a famine?

Answer: A show-off

“Not that pick up line again…”

Player please…”

“Yeah, but is that corn on the cob he’s been having?”

• Jesus took dumps. Think of it. Think of it and repent for thinking of it, you swine dog!

Now, what have you learned?

A Beauty Secret You Won’t Hear Anywhere Else Because It’s Too Embarrassing (But We Don’t Mind)

One of the worst things about getting old–besides the bad health, the decline in vigor, the limp dick, people dying, etc. etc–is always having to fear the “shart.”

The advanced in years fart with trepidation.

Today, I had my second major shart as an adult.

It was so bad that wiping it up with toilet paper was just mitigation in advance of the mandatory shower afterwards.

But I won’t bother you with toilet scatology and–actually, yes I will:

Speaking of wiping, does everyone know about the second, stand-up wipe?

Because if not, then here’s a beauty secret you can only get here:

After you feel like you’ve fully wiped yourself while sitting down on the toilet, gather more paper in hand and then stand up and wipe again.

You’ll see results.

Results you would otherwise see as underwear streaks.

For even better results, relax your abdominal and pelvic muscles after you stand up prior to second-wiping. Hop and wiggle a little for advanced technique.

Here’s a famous reggae song to help you remember:

Get up, stand up

Stand up fi ‘nother wipe

Get up, stand up

Wipe until it’s white