The Great American Eclipse of 2017

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Applied Conspiracism: Giving a Name to Trump’s Amorphous Political Philosophy

Conspiracism: The belief that major historical and political events are brought about as the result of a conspiracy between interested parties, or are manipulated by or on behalf of an unknown group of influential people; belief in or advocacy of conspiracy theories.Oxford Living Dictionary

Trump’s conspiracism deserves its own term.

First, there is the breadth of Trump’s conspiracism. Unlike many conpiracists, Trump does not limit himself to just one or two conspiracy theories. Virtually everything is best explained (or explained away) as the result of conspiracy: global warming, foreign competition, positive job numbers under Obama, the Battle for Mosul before he took it over, Obama’s birth and presidency, Ted Cruz’ father, the Deep State, etc. (Caveat: when he’s feeling charitable, Trump will use the explanation of stupid leadership, as in bad trade deals or bad military strategy).

As an “ecumenical” conspiratorial thinker, Trump is able to deploy any and all possible conspiracy theories as the situation demands; and of course invent new ones. This makes Trump’s brand of conspiracism much more flexible and practicable on a day-to-day basis when handling the various problems of campaigning and governing.

Amorphous conspiracism also allows Trump to publicly communicate with his fellow conspiracists semi-surreptitiously through hints and omissions of condemnation, such as republishing conspiratorial propaganda and then excusing it as a mistake, an oversight. The message to fellow conspiracists is: I’m with you, and my tepid public retractions are just a front to appease people not yet enlightened by conspiracism.

Most importantly, Trump’s brand of conspiricism is centered around the unspoken credo that fighting the vast conspiratorial forces of the world requires that one engage in counter-conspiracies, even if that means colluding with openly hostile foreign powers like Russia.

Trump’s conspiratorial political philosophy and conspiratorial political practice thus requires its own new, huge, fabulous term. Amorphous conspiracism? Ecumenical or universalist conspiracism?

“Applied conspiracism” is advantaged over these other terms for several reasons: Trump used conspiracism to win the Republican nomination and the presidency; Trump is now positioned to act on his conspiratorial beliefs; the President shows no sign of being any less conspiratorial than he was when he was an outsider candidate; and lastly, because it’s becoming more and more apparent that Trump and his team conspired with internet trolls, white racists, and hostile foreign powers in their campaign to gain power.

Great Moments in Speculative History

Secret Emergency Conclave of the Elites c. January 2017:

Democratic Elite: We’ve got Trump dead-to-rights on the Russia hack, Russian blackmail, and Russian money, but we need you, the Republican Elite, to go along with redressing the wrongs. You know, for the good of the country.

Republican Elite: Ok, but what’s in it for us? What can you give us?

[Back-and-forth colloquy. Summary: Republican Elite agrees it’s for the good of the country but that the Republicans deserve political compensation for the inevitable losses they face after the shit hits the fan, and that a crippled Mike Pence presidency is not enough.]

Democratic Elite: Look, we’ll delay the hammer-drop on Trump for a few months to give you time to enact a first-year agenda, if you can. And you get Pence.

Republican Elite: Deal!

KGB-Approved

When I was at the University of Florida back in the 1984 the College Republicans would put “KGB-Approved” stickers on pro-Mondale bulletin board posts. Well, here’s your shit coming right back at you with infinitely more factual justification:

kgb_approved

And yeah, I know they’re now  called the  FSB but KGB sounds better and they haven’t changed.

Plus a few more memes by me:

buddha

j-lo

nice_ass

The above pic has been enhanced, I believe, but I know for a fact that this one has not:

j-lo2

maga

russia_if_youre_listening

 

NATO is Bullshit: Nuke the World for Latvia?!

The name says it all: the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Therefore, if your country does not border the North Atlantic Ocean, you should not be part of NATO. That means you Turkey, Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, Poland. Please leave.

Besides, if you really think that Americans are going to send their children to die for you, then you’re fucking deluded.

Radical idea: honesty. Since it’s obviously NOT a North Atlantic treaty organization, let us call it for what it is: the Anti-Russia Treaty Organization (ARTO).

Instructive hypothetical: America invades and annexes Nova Scotia, Canada, claiming (correctly) that its Cajun people in Louisiana were wrongfully dispossessed of Acadia by the British back in the 1760s.

Russia’s military response to this hypothetical aggression: NOTHING!

They would piss and moan; they would complain to the U.N.; they might even slap us with some symbolic sanctions, but they would not lift a finger, much less fire a bullet or a nuclear weapon.

And that should be our official policy towards all of Russia’s neighbors except Alaska.

Estonia and Lithuania may be great countries, or they may be pieces of shit, I don’t know, but I do know that their independence is not worth destroying the world in a nuclear holocaust.

HOLY OVERREACH !!!

HOLY OVERREACH !!!

Holy Cow — Vladimir Putin is Promoting My Blog !

Pushing back against the nauseating, anti-Russian, pro-Ukrainian propaganda flooding the American news media lately, I published a blog-post a few days ago in which I lauded the Russian “liberation” of Crimea and denounced the long tradition of anti-Semitism among the Ukrainians (Jokes About Crimea, Russia, and Ukraine).

I also pointed out that the Ukrainians have always been among history’s biggest losers, and that we might want to think twice before hitching our wagon to their Chernobyl-mutated horses.

Vicious slander, but all in good fun 🙂

Lo and behold, new web traffic to my blog suddenly exploded! 

But the traffic pattern seemed suspicious–only a few people found my blog-post through Google and other search engines (on page 3, no less), and yet the total number of new visitors was over one hundred. And it’s still going.

That’s never happened before, even on the other rare occasions when I have managed to become topically relevant.  When I’ve gotten lots of new traffic, it’s always been accompanied by more than just a few search engine hits.

Am I really supposed to believe that one or two people managed to lure in a hundred new people to my obscure little shitty blog?

Then I found out today that Putin and Russia have hired some high-priced American public relations companies such as the giant Ketchum firm (see the article entitled “Meet The PR Firm That Helped Vladimir Putin Troll The Entire Country”–http://www.businessinsider.com/vladimir-putin-nyt-op-ed-ketchum-pr-2013-9#ixzz2vEh5SR2L).

Now it’s starting to make sense.  Thanks Vlad, thanks Ketchum–thanks for inflating my traffic counts! I couldn’t have done it without you.

Postscript:  To insulate myself against the charge of being an pro-Russian hack, I then published some humor slandering the Russian people (How to REALLY Get Tough on them Russians).

Vicious calumny, but all in good fun 🙂

UPDATE:   My anti-Ukrainian piece received–and is still receiving–a lot more new viewers than my anti-Russian piece even though the latter was much funnier, and written two days later.  Point proven.

How to REALLY Get Tough on them Russians

   Close down Brighton Beach.

•   Bomb Bay Ridge, Gravesend, Sheepshead Bay, and Midwood back into the Stone Age. Then take away their stone tools.  Then laugh.

   Toughen up child pornography laws.

   Strengthen RICO legislation.

   Cyber-attack their vodka recipes, changing “proof” to “percent,” thus doubling the strength of their alcohol and thereby tripling the already huge number of overdoses.

   Make them sign up for Romney-care (aka Obama-care) by March 15th or face a penalty.

   Cyber-attack the Cyrillic script, substituting it with total gibberish. They won’t notice, but it will make us look tough to our allies.

•   Make them read Gogol.

•   Send back Yakov Smirnoff.

   Cyber-attack their election results so that they elect a Republican parliament.