Tag Archives: rights

The NRA Gospel

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Turn the other cheek while maintaining a rapid rate of fire.

If a man take thy cloak forbid him not to take thy overcoat also, then plug his ass if he falleth for it.

Give unto the poor, then bid them leave by flexing thy steel.

Blessed are the Peacemakers–Smith and Wesson and Colt, yea and Kalashnikov too, for they shall guard the Compound of Heaven.

For a man’s treasure is where his arsenal is, right next to his comms center.

Let not thy right hand know what weapons thy left arm concealeth.

Tis harder for a rich man to enter the Bunker of Heaven than it is for a poor man with an RPG and teflon-coated bullets.

For the gunsmith is worth his wages.

In the beginning was the Word, and the word was Safety. And the next word was Off.

The Kingdom of Heaven is like unto a tiny projectile that causes the smallest of entrance wounds but totally blows away the back of your head.

Solution to the Gun Control Issue: Math

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And geography:

Population density ÷ distance to nearest high-density area =

Your gun laws.

The higher your number, the more restrictive your gun laws. Low numbers entitles you to all the Wild West paranoid fun you can stockpile.

IF you keep it out in the sticks.

Because remember: being born in a low density area means nothing when you enter a high density area. The laws are the same for everyone in high and low density areas. it’s just different depending on where you’re at.

Gun owners with a house in the city and a house in the country, for instance, would find themselves under two different sets of gun laws, depending on their location.

My second serious blog entry… The last time I sacrificed humor was in order to solve the Afghanistan-Pakistan-Kashmir problem. I did it, but no one listened.

And people died.

Now, I want to be funny and write instead about butterflies made out of bullshit but you people leave all these needlessly unsolved issues out there, it forces me to get practical and dreary sometimes.

So it’s your fault.