Fuck Palestine and fuck Israel–bring back Canaan!
Airline pilots can no longer leave the cockpit but must wear diapers instead.
In order to be truly free and equal, gays need their own homeland. Ditto for women.
Encourage and assist all Sunni jihadis to go to Syria. Then bomb them. Then feed their remains to pigs so that they’re ineligible for Heaven.
Repeal the 8th Amendment to the Constitution–allow cruel and unusual punishment for lawyers and judges who knowingly prosecute or convict innocent people.Torture them! Human rights are for people who care about other people’s human rights.
Don’t just legalize marijuana–issue it. Hand it out like government cheese back in the 80’s.
Give back Southern Appalachia to the Cherokees. We’re not using it.
Execute all motorists who don’t use their turn signal–if you’re too selfish and lazy to flick a switch you don’t deserve to live.
• Neill Clark Warren, founder of E-Harmony, and, sorry to admit, his granddaughter:Theory: Neill Clark Warren exudes that bland, smarmy, fake goodness of a Mormon or Christian pastor, especially when he talks to his granddaughter.
Theory: The Paper Cottage does not seem like a real business. I mean, I’m sure it exists, but it doesn’t seem like a business that could support a family (or two families) all by itself. In other words, it’s really just a hobby for two women whose kids have grown up and left and whose spouses want them out of the house so they can look at some good internet porn.
• Karen and Jeremiah from the Ameritrade ad:
Theory: Their whole life is a cliché that can be summarized by a demographer or even a computer. And that’s appealing to people! People want that! No one really wants to be unique—God no, it’s too lonely…errgghh!