Extreme Solutions

Fuck Palestine and fuck Israel–bring back Canaan!

Airline pilots can no longer leave the cockpit but must wear diapers instead.

In order to be truly free and equal, gays need their own homeland. Ditto for women.

Encourage and assist all Sunni jihadis to go to Syria. Then bomb them. Then feed their remains to pigs so that they’re ineligible for Heaven.

Repeal the 8th Amendment to the Constitution–allow cruel and unusual punishment for lawyers and judges who knowingly prosecute or convict innocent people.Torture them! Human rights are for people who care about other people’s human rights.

Don’t just legalize marijuana–issue it. Hand it out like government cheese back in the 80’s.

Give back Southern Appalachia to the Cherokees. We’re not using it.

Execute all motorists who don’t use their turn signal–if you’re too selfish and lazy to flick a switch you don’t deserve to live.

Institute the same gun laws as Dodge City in the Old Wild West–no guns allowed inside city limits. Out in the countryside, you can do what you want.dodge-guns

I’m Against Violence So Why Do I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of —

•   Neill Clark Warren, founder of E-Harmony, and, sorry to admit, his granddaughter:Neil-Clark-WarrenTheory: Neill Clark Warren exudes that bland, smarmy, fake goodness of a Mormon or Christian pastor, especially when he talks to his granddaughter.

eharmony-granddaughter-large-7Why do I want to beat up his granddaughter? I don’t know, I guess I’m just evil. Or maybe she crosses the line between genuinely cute, and overdone, sickeningly fake cute.

batman_fight•   Beth and Michelle from The Paper Cottage (TV ad for Chase):

"Hi, I'm Beth."  "And I'm Michelle, and we run The Paper Cottage..."

“Hi, I’m Beth.”
“And I’m Michelle.”
“And we run The Paper Cottage.”

Theory:  The Paper Cottage does not seem like a real business. I mean, I’m sure it exists, but it doesn’t seem like a business that could support a family (or two families) all by itself. In other words, it’s really just a hobby for two women whose kids have grown up and left and whose spouses want them out of the house so they can look at some good internet porn.batman_fight-2

•   Karen and Jeremiah from the Ameritrade ad:


“This is Karen and Jeremiah. They don’t know it yet, but they’re going to fall in love, get married, have a couple of kids, move to the country, and live a long happy life together where they almost never fight about money…”

Theory: Their whole life is a cliché that can be summarized by a demographer or even a computer. And that’s appealing to people! People want that! No one really wants to be unique—God no, it’s too lonely…errgghh!