The Great American Eclipse of 2017

American_eclipse

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Great Moments in Speculative History

Secret Emergency Conclave of the Elites c. January 2017:

Democratic Elite: We’ve got Trump dead-to-rights on the Russia hack, Russian blackmail, and Russian money, but we need you, the Republican Elite, to go along with redressing the wrongs. You know, for the good of the country.

Republican Elite: Ok, but what’s in it for us? What can you give us?

[Back-and-forth colloquy. Summary: Republican Elite agrees it’s for the good of the country but that the Republicans deserve political compensation for the inevitable losses they face after the shit hits the fan, and that a crippled Mike Pence presidency is not enough.]

Democratic Elite: Look, we’ll delay the hammer-drop on Trump for a few months to give you time to enact a first-year agenda, if you can. And you get Pence.

Republican Elite: Deal!

KGB-Approved

When I was at the University of Florida back in the 1984 the College Republicans would put “KGB-Approved” stickers on pro-Mondale bulletin board posts. Well, here’s your shit coming right back at you with infinitely more factual justification:

kgb_approved

And yeah, I know they’re now  called the  FSB but KGB sounds better and they haven’t changed.

Plus a few more memes by me:

buddha

j-lo

nice_ass

The above pic has been enhanced, I believe, but I know for a fact that this one has not:

j-lo2

maga

russia_if_youre_listening

 

How to REALLY Get Tough on them Russians

   Close down Brighton Beach.

•   Bomb Bay Ridge, Gravesend, Sheepshead Bay, and Midwood back into the Stone Age. Then take away their stone tools.  Then laugh.

   Toughen up child pornography laws.

   Strengthen RICO legislation.

   Cyber-attack their vodka recipes, changing “proof” to “percent,” thus doubling the strength of their alcohol and thereby tripling the already huge number of overdoses.

   Make them sign up for Romney-care (aka Obama-care) by March 15th or face a penalty.

   Cyber-attack the Cyrillic script, substituting it with total gibberish. They won’t notice, but it will make us look tough to our allies.

•   Make them read Gogol.

•   Send back Yakov Smirnoff.

   Cyber-attack their election results so that they elect a Republican parliament.

Jokes About Crimea, Russia, and Ukraine

•   Putin may have backed a loser in Yanukovych but if we continue to back the western Ukrainians we will be backing an entire nation of historical losers:

Ecstatic Ukrainians welcome the German army, 1941.

Ecstatic western Ukrainians welcome the German army, 1941.

Bhodan Khmelneytsky: Ukraine's national hero and committed porgromist

Bhodan Khmelneytsky: Ukraine’s national hero and committed pogromist

Monument to the murderous pogromist Bhodan Khmelneytsky in Kiev

Monument to the murderous pogromist Bhodan Khmelneytsky in Kiev, 1999.

Jewish exterminator Bhodan Khmelnytsky on modern Ukrainian money

Exterminator of Jews Bhodan Khmelneytsky on modern Ukrainian money

•  Ukraine is a case where a potential breadbasket is instead a basket case with no potential:

The GDP rate of Poland, Russia and Ukraine (the 1990 levels equals 100 percent)  source: National Statistics Committee, IMF

The GDP rate of Poland, Russia and Ukraine (the 1990 levels equals 100 percent) source: National Statistics Committee, IMF; from the webpage:  http://eng.globalaffairs.ru/number/n_6578

Hey, we’re almost up to the pre-Independence levels under late, decrepit communism! Whe-hew!

•   Richard Pryor on why Putin sent troops into Crimea:

Dey was home.

•   Yet another brilliant idea from America’s foreign policy establishment:  Let’s drum up a world war or at least a new Cold War to force the Crimea back into a country of which it was never really a part!

Crimea belongs to Ukraine about as much as the Panama Canal “belonged” to the United States.

•   Hypocrisy check:  does the United States of America–

–Support democratically elected governments?

Yanukovych was democratically elected.

–Oppose unprovoked invasions of foreign countries?

Can you imagine if Iraq in 2003 had a population that was 60% American?  Our Congress would have unanimously voted for military action just like Russia’s parliament did. (Instead, it “only” passed 297 to 133.)

–Support diplomatic solutions and internationally brokered peace agreements?

The western Ukrainian mob violated a days-old agreement brokered by Germany when they overthrew Yanukovich.

–Support the right of self-determination for all peoples?

The Crimea will vote later this month on whether they want to be part of the Ukraine. 

Spoiler alert:  they don’t!

And neither would you.

–Oppose anti-semitism wherever it rears its ugly head?Ukraine_Anti_Semitic_Protest__vinnews@hotmail_com

Will Rogers Goes International

“I don’t belong to an organized political movement–I just protest in Tahrir Square every other Friday.”

“I don’t belong to an organized government–I’m Hamid Karzai.”

“I don’t belong to an organized political party–Putin only allows disorganized ones.”

“I don’t play organized sports–I play Australian Football.”

“I’m not a member of an organized religion. In fact, we recently issued a fatwah on that topic, now where did I put that fatwah… Honey, where did you put my fatwah folder?”
“I told you to keep that shit off the floor!”

Will Rogers Comes Back Home to America:

“I used to belong to the best-organized political party in America.  But then I shifted towards its Tea Party wing…. Fuck Boehner.”