Trump is a True Floridian Because…

–He dominates every news cycle with stupid outlandish crap

–His wealth has not purchased any class

–He’s fun to check in on but you wouldn’t want to be there for four straight years

–Hyperbolic self-promotion is a cornerstone of his success

–He’s actually from New York

–Bad hair, bad tan, bad hat, bad grammar, bad diction, can’t focus on anything too long

–He was a Democrat, he’s a Republican, he flirted with Independent, he doesn’t fucking know

–He believes The National Enquirer and is often featured in it

–He hates foreigners and is dependent upon them

–His kids have to take care of him and clean up his mess

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That Dreadful New Money

If they put a woman on the 20 dollar bill it will only be worth $19.43.

Real Players don’t flash Tubmans.

They should make money like those birthday cards that talk when you unfold them. “Are you sure you need this?”

Everyone should have to sign their money.

The burning of old bills should become a quasi-religious public ceremony. For the True Faith. New Value rising like a Phoenix…

Have you ever rubbed money on your aching foot? Cuts out the middleman.

Edible money is the next big thing. Right after legal tender blunt-wraps. Hey, if people want to eat or smoke some specially-prepared money, the Treasury Dept. should accommodate them. ‘Make a little extra money so that they don’t have to suck in all our tax dollars to pay for their expenses printing our money.

If Obama puts a woman on the $20 it will cause America to become socialist-Muslim, just like everything Obama does.

So what’s next, a Tranny $50? A gay $100? A lesbian Grand?

In my system, each president would equal their number: Washington is a $1, Adams is a $2, Lincoln is a $16, Bush Jr. is a $43, etc. That way we could judge presidential candidates on their ability to make good money:  “A $45 Huckabee??? I don’t think so!”

Malapropisms and Other Verbal Fuck-Ups

Mouth-to-mouth resuffocation
Parapalegal
Macho Peacho
Man’s Laughter (as in second-degree murder)
Askanazi Jews
JRR Tollking
Nostradamnedus
Chupacubana
Saks Watch
Bipedaphile
Add Hominy
Delicate Intestines
Sunny Muslims
Econumist
Statuary Rape
Orc Chasms
Homogenius
Fragrant Fowls
Analwrecksya (makes you skinny and you walk with a limp)
Pubic Television
Prostrate Cancer
Tequila Mockingbird

The Importance of Pronunciation

Some people say “Latino,” while others say:  “Latin No!!!

Similarly, some people say “Latina,” while others say:  “Latin Nahhh.”

Some call it “Manhattan,” while others call it:  “Man Hatin’.”

And just just because all New Yorkers are misanthropes doesn’t make it right. Anyway, they have to be misanthropes–they’re surrounded by New Yorkers.

And be careful–there’s a big difference between “Can you not see?” and “Ken, you Nazi!”

And just because all people named Ken are secret Nazis doesn’t make it right–you can still get successfully sued for libel (see Kenneth Goebbels vs. Shitfer Brains, 2nd Federal Court, 3rd District, volume 3: 31-45).

Speaking of Naziism, be careful when you address Adele Fitler–she’s very touchy about her name, almost as touchy as when Sanford & Son’s Demond Wilson walked off the set of Hollywood Squares after some old white bitty called him “Demon(d).”

Other names requiring extra careful pronunciation:

Ray Cist
Taurus A. Newhole
Gaven Head
Goldie Showers
Benedictus Raw
Issa Futtup
Murr Dürer  (don’t call him Murray–he hates that name!)
Juanita Oilchange
Ken Formist
Ham R. Roid
Sy Phyllis Burns
Maria Rendhertz
Bridgette Riverkwai
Ward Tuyermother
Betty Didder / Ida Donner / Willy Duer
Meso Hahney

And, most important of all (because this could get you killed in many parts of the world):   Mohammed Iznada Proffitt