Knowledge Gone Negative

Misanthrope-ology:   the study of the diverse ways in which people around the world are such scum

Pscum-ochology:  the study of the inner workings of the scumbag mind and its scummy behavior.  First year students are required to complete a thesis entitled “Why Am I Such A Scumbag?”

Phil-lost-ophy:   what’s the meaning of all this scuminess?

Relivision:  spiritual answer to above question without so much questioning involved

Socio-scumology:  just what it says, the study of scumbags in groups, like you and your friends

Scum-onomics:  how can we make more money off all these scumbags?  Pay us money and we’ll show you

Shitstory:  the study of the distant past when people were just shitty but not yet fully scummy, like you and your friends

Criminology:  used to be an independent field of study at the university level, now part of elementary education. For their own good.

Bud and Lou Go to Grad School for Cognitive Psychology

Background information:  In October 2010, Professor Jeanine Hoo espoused a new psychological theory of cognition called What Theory (i.e., cognition as primarily interrogatory in nature). Its detractors were led by Professor Ronald Hizz, many of whom subscribed to alternative views referred to as That Theory (knowledge as primarily indicative), of which Hizz Theory, as it was called, was one of the leading doctrines.

Needless to say, this made for some unfortunate misunderstandings when the unprepared Lou tried to study with his more well-read friend Bud.

“Now let me get this straight—what is his theory?”

“No, What is Hoo’s theory.”

“Who?”

“Exactly.”

“Exactly what?”

“Yes, that’s Hoo.”

“Who is who?”

“Of course Hoo is Hoo, and What is the theory.”

“That’s what I’m asking!”

“And I’m telling you.”

“So what is his theory?”

“No, That is Hizz Theory.”

What?”

“No, That!  Look, all you have to remember is: That is Hizz Theory and What is Hoo’s Theory. Ok?”

“…. OK, so what is ‘that theory?’”

“No, now you’re mixing it all up. That Theory is not What Theory!”

“What?”

“No!!!”

“–And who’s ‘he’ in all this?”

“Hoo’s a she.’ ”

“’She?’  You said ‘his theory.’ ”

“And I meant Hizz Theory.”

“So who’s ‘she?’ ”

“Exactly!”

“What???”

“Yes! I think you’re finally getting it! Like I said, Hoo’s she, Hoo’s What, and That’s Hizz.”

“What is ‘his?’”

“No, now you’ve lost it—What is not Hizz and Hoo’s is not That.”

“I guess I’ll never understand psychology.”

Waaahhhhh-waahhhh!

Alan Brech 2012