How to Answer Those Gotcha Questions

With the 2016 Political Olympiad approaching, candidates need to be prepared to woo those strangely moderate independents:

Q:  Would you attend a gay wedding?

A:  How gay? Very gay? Or just gay? I might make up an excuse if it was going to be a very gay wedding.

Q:  What do you read?

A:  I always put on the close-captions. So everything.

Q:  Do you have enough experience?

A:  Only the dead have enough experience.

Q:  Should taxpayer money pay for abortions?

A:  I believe in life insurance for the unborn. That way the abortion pays for itself.

Q:  Did the Surge work?

A:  I’m more interested in making the work surge than debating whether bribing Sunni tribesmen led to victory in a complicated foreign adventure.

Q:  Do people have the right to die?

A:  They do, but absent any crime, we don’t have the right to kill them. Therefore, we need to make up a fake crime that people can easily commit when they want us to kill them. Like standing in a box on the freeway, or something.

Q:  Have you ever lusted in your heart?

A:  Lust? Describe what you’re talking about. Be specific. Give examples from your own experience so that I can better understand the question.

Q:  Should a 14-year-old girl seeking an abortion have to tell her parents?

A:  She should have to tell the coolest member of her family–an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent–someone who can handle it. Then they sign the note on behalf of the fucked up family.

Q:  Do you believe in God?

A:  God believes in us, that’s what counts, and that’s what’s scary… It seems oddly fallible.

Solution to the Gun Control Issue: Math

And geography:

Population density ÷ distance to nearest high-density area =

Your gun laws.

The higher your number, the more restrictive your gun laws. Low numbers entitles you to all the Wild West paranoid fun you can stockpile.

IF you keep it out in the sticks.

Because remember: being born in a low density area means nothing when you enter a high density area. The laws are the same for everyone in high and low density areas. it’s just different depending on where you’re at.

Gun owners with a house in the city and a house in the country, for instance, would find themselves under two different sets of gun laws, depending on their location.

My second serious blog entry… The last time I sacrificed humor was in order to solve the Afghanistan-Pakistan-Kashmir problem. I did it, but no one listened.

And people died.

Now, I want to be funny and write instead about butterflies made out of bullshit but you people leave all these needlessly unsolved issues out there, it forces me to get practical and dreary sometimes.

So it’s your fault.