Sex with Neanderthals

Scientists hypothesized that Neanderthals and modern humans may have interbred at various points in European prehistory but it was all in the butt. This is because the first group of modern people to venture into Neanderthal habitat was Anal Man.

It was thought that Anal Man died out 40,000 years ago but we now know that there’s a little bit of Anal Man in all of us. Mitochondrial DNA analysis even points to the existence of an Anal Eve, a single maternal ancestor on the Anal side of the human family tree.

She was hot. And she know how to treat a man like a man, even if the man was technically sub-human. Especially if he was sub-human!

Y-chromosome analysis also point to the existence of an Anal Adam. Five of them. Scientists refer to them as Lance, Bruce, Wayne, Rod and Pete Townshend, who has a very primitive face.

With the absorption of the remnant Anal Man populations c. 40,000 years ago, modern homo sapiens trekked north into Eurasia, turning tricks and robbing the Neanderthals of all their shit.

“The Neanderthals were stupid and had it coming,” was how the Cro-Magnons justified it to themselves.

“The Neanderthals were stupid and had it coming,” is how scientists now explain it.

Scientists also theorized that Neanderthals and early modern humans may have reproduced through orgies. Experimental archaeologists–people who recreate ancient technologies in order to better understand their artifacts–have proven that you can have an orgy in a cave. Toes get stubbed and heads get bumped and there are bugs, but it is possible.

Orgy Man was thus the first descendant of Neanderthal and Homo Sapien interbreeding. Multiple paternity ensures that each male member of the clusterfuck has a potential genetic interest in the well-being of any child born to the cluster.

Conversely, when danger calls and you need to cut your losses, hey, there’s only a 1/8 chance any of those kids are mine–see ya!

This combination of heroic group cohesion and craven moral flexibility is what helped modern people out-compete those dunderheaded Neanderthals.

So the final word on Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens is this:  we interbred for a while and then broke up.

Two Precursors to the Internet Unite to Overtake It

22,000 B.C.:  Pigeons domesticated.pigeon

20,000 B.C.:   Pigeon-net established, a fully interconnected network of carrier pigeons across much of Ice Age Europe and Asia (what the people at the time called “the Late Glacial Maximum”).Pigeon NetImportant messages can now travel faster than the wind.

And of course porn, lots of porn:


15,000 B.C.:  People discover that the information in 3-dimensional Venus figurines can be “compressed” into several 2-dimensional drawings on hide or bark and thus be transported by pigeon much more easily than figurines. As with all inventions, not everyone welcomed this as progress: “I don’t want porn I can’t feel!

4,000 B.C.:  Indo-European invaders destroy the Pigeon-net in their conquest of Europe, replacing it with their much less efficient horse-borne system of communication. Pigeon networking becomes the pastime of local ham operators.

Pigeon Net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  superior speed and accuracy in rural or undeveloped areas; immune to hacking; greater privacy; allows “downloading” of actual objects and money, not just information.

Disadvantages:  4 ounce weight limit; AWOL pigeons; lazy pigeons; dumb pigeons; stubborn pigeons; moody pigeons; psychotic pigeons; and CATS, which stands for Cats Attacking The System.

Cats attacking the communication system

Cats attacking the communication system:  message not received

 A.D. 1968:  CB Radios made smaller and affordable → birth of the Redneck-net

CBMicrosoft Word - Figure 2.doc

Redneck-net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  no spam, no porn, no ads, tweet-friendly, good cop reports go viral, hookers have their own channel

Disadvantages:  no porn, no text, no images, no video, too many rednecks

The Future:  Directional Beaming technology (not yet invented) allows CB radio to reach across continents. Channel Hovering allows private conversations to be established which “hover” randomly around the main CB channel (which is public and crowded). At the same time, genetic engineering produces super-swift pigeons with a dog’s eagerness to please; it also eliminates all the bad rednecks. And the micro-storage of information is already old hat. The inevitable result is the emergence and triumph of the Intercontinental CB-Pigeon Net, with all the advantages of pigeon-net and redneck-net combined over global distances.

Breaker One-nine, we got an illegal convoy of 10,000 pigeons flyin’ towards the border tonight. So order your contraband now. Do you copy? (over)