How to Win the Lottery, Cuz I Know

Always purchase with small change, never bills, and never ever big bills. Don’t even have a 50 in your wallet, they’re bad luck.

Spread out your purchases over several days just in case astrology and biorhythms are real.

Study all the pseudo-mathematical literature and throw it the hell out–this is about winning over Lady Luck, not winning a science fair.

It’s an indisputable fact that Lady Luck loves a drunk. Consider:  there were 46,000 alcohol related traffic fatalities last year. There should have been 86,000.

86,001 if you count me.

Does that mean you should get drunk before playing and risk being one of the 46,000? Ask yourself two questions: how badly do you want to win, and how badly do you want to drink?

If you insist on scratch offs don’t scratch off right away. For as long as you delay scratching off, you remain a potential winner. And don’t scratch off in the parking lot, you look pathetic.

Never pray for winning numbers. God hates that almost as much as Lady Luck does.

Then again, if you see six numbers in a burning bush you might wanna drop a few bucks on that. But I’d still throw in a quick pick on top.

And check to see if you have epileptically induced religious mania.

Never let it ride. Not right away. Wait a while–let it coast instead.

Never pick 5 consecutive numbers. The chances of that happening are like 1 in 200 million. Only a fool would chance those odds even with Lady Luck as your girlfriend.