Hating Your Name

It’s telling that more people have “Alan / Allen” as a last name than as a first. Because your parents can’t choose your last name.

Yes, Alan means courage in French (élan) but only in French and French courage just isn’t the same.

Two soft vowels and two soft consonants? No wonder I’m fat.

Alan da Vinci? Alan Einstein? Alan Patton? No fucking way!

The list of great and famous Alans is as short as the list of Dwaynes.

I’d legally change it but I’m too spiteful. And it gives me the safety net of having something to blame.

If I were named Albert or Alfred or Alphonse I would never let myself be called Al lest someone suspect it was short for Alan.

You can judge the dude-liness of a man’s name by how many words it rhymes with. Mark, Jack, Fred, Bill, Mike and Joe rhyme with everything. All I’ve got is gallon. Big deal–Peter rhymes with liter and Mort rhymes with quart. No name rhymes with pint but then nothing rhymes with pint.

On the bright side, I don’t have to say it as much as the people who know me. That’s one good thing.

And it’s not a gay name, not that there’s anything wrong with gay names. And it’s not a criminal’s name, not that there’s anything wrong with crime.

It’s just a good-natured, fat nerd’s name, that’s all. I can take it.


Popularity of the name Alan; from http://www.behindthename.com

How to Gain Readers, Followers, and Likers at Platitude Press — I mean, WordPress.com

1.   Platitude your attitude!

•   Publish tepid, smarmy truisms and utterly bland but encouraging words of wisdom, such as:

“Be true to yourself and follow your heart and look on the bright side and remember that real wealth cannot be stored in a cash register or a bank.”

10,000 people like this.

•   Avoid edgy, original, creative writing that puts average people out of their mediocre comfort zone.

“We frequently forgive those who bore us, but cannot forgive those whom we bore–” 

0 people like this.

–written by a famous French dude from the 17th Century

Oh, well in that case, 10,000 people like this.

2.   Follow blogs whose bloggers follow your blog even you think their blog is boring and/or stupid.

Because you can always un-follow them later and WordPress won’t let them know!

3.   Similarly, “like” blog-posts whose bloggers like your blog-posts even if you don’t really like their blog-posts.

Let’s create a giant, virtual, self-affirming circle-jerk!

4.   Be a young woman with an attractive profile picture.

After all, following an attractive woman’s blog and “liking” her insipid blather will increase your odds of getting some play by 0.00001 %

5.   Pay WordPress.com some money.

Get the Deluxe Version for $18.99 and they will feature your platitudinous mush on their “New & Noteworthy” cover page (or whatever they call it–I never read that shit.)

6.   Pay WordPress.com some money.

This advice is so nice I had to say it twice. And besides, what’s the harm in saying things that have been said a million times before? That’s the best way to get mediocre people to “like” you.