Presidential Appearances versus Random Winners

After Donald Trump called her ugly and then flip-flopped and called her beautiful, I decided to investigate the matter myself by trying to have a sex fantasy involving Carly Fiorina.

I figured I’d give it a shot. If everyone deserves sex (supposedly) then certainly everyone deserves a sex fantasy too. And she is slim. Slimmer than Donald. Or me.

At first things were pretty good. It was interesting and different. “Ms. Fiorina, are you sure you want to do this—on national television?! Do you really want to sacrifice your poll numbers for my pole numbers?”

But she was insatiable—she wanted it more than the presidency…

But then I got distracted—phone rang, email chimed, cat puked, something—and the fantasy died. And that’s the sign of a deficient sex fantasy, not being able to survive a minor interruption. A good one should be able to last all the way through a winning online poker game. And cat puke can always wait…

So big deal, does that really disqualify her for the presidency?

Well, when you think back on it, most of our presidents have been doable or at least doable emeritus (i.e., hot when they were young). Mom thought Reagan was cute. I’m sure my grandmother loved him. Even LBJ had that louder-than-life Texas charisma.

The only non-doable modern president we’ve had was Nixon and he got impeached. (Clinton got impeached because he was a little too doable, but that’s a different issue not related to Fiorina, sorry.) And our ugliest president—Abraham Lincoln—got shot by a really handsome guy.

You have to go back to Taft to get a modern president comparable to Fiorina or Chris Christie. Could we elect a female Taft? Are we ready? What if Margaret Thatcher or Golda Meier had been as huge as Taft or Churchill or Sharon? And if Hillary stops dieting again, will she become a female Taft?

Rather than attractiveness, charisma, or even intelligence, what we really need in a president is luck. A lucky president means a lucky United States. Luck will get you through when strength and intelligence let you down. Divine Right of Kings should be replaced with the Random Luck of of Doofus Politicians.

When their luck runs out, we kill ’em. Their death then retroactively proves their unluckiness and hence our decision to kill ’em. We can never be wrong!

And while being born pretty might be a sign of good luck, it’s not definitive—some of the luckiest bastards in the world are the ugliest. Billy Joel, Larry King, Jeff Bezos, etc.

Therefore, to choose the next president, we need more than just speeches and debates to decide the matter. We need more than just giant dildo tug-of-wars (see Perverted Wisdom article ), useful though that would be. We need random games of chance to see who’s the luckiest.

Donald Trump’s Heroes

Chattanooga military recruiters:  They’re heroes because they got shot. I prefer military recruiters who don’t get shot.

Medgar Evers:  I prefer civil rights activists who don’t get assassinated. And he did nothing for veterans–nothing!

Jesus:  Call me Muslim or Jewish but I prefer messiahs who don’t get crucified.

Davy Crockett:  He completely failed at stopping Mexican immigration.

Robin Williams:  I prefer comedians who don’t kill themselves. Suicidal comedians who want to kill themselves should place banana peels on the edge of the Grand Canyon and dance dance dance!

King Arthur:  Was a loser! For England’s sake I truly hope he was not “the once-and-future king.”

Nathan Hale:  I prefer patriots and spies who don’t get caught and hanged. My only regret is that he gave his life for our country–I’d rather he gave us information on the enemy like he was supposed to.

Donald Trump:  You want heroic? I held onto my Facebook stock back when every so-called “expert” said it was overvalued. Now I’m even more rich, very rich.

How to Answer Those Gotcha Questions

With the 2016 Political Olympiad approaching, candidates need to be prepared to woo those strangely moderate independents:

Q:  Would you attend a gay wedding?

A:  How gay? Very gay? Or just gay? I might make up an excuse if it was going to be a very gay wedding.

Q:  What do you read?

A:  I always put on the close-captions. So everything.

Q:  Do you have enough experience?

A:  Only the dead have enough experience.

Q:  Should taxpayer money pay for abortions?

A:  I believe in life insurance for the unborn. That way the abortion pays for itself.

Q:  Did the Surge work?

A:  I’m more interested in making the work surge than debating whether bribing Sunni tribesmen led to victory in a complicated foreign adventure.

Q:  Do people have the right to die?

A:  They do, but absent any crime, we don’t have the right to kill them. Therefore, we need to make up a fake crime that people can easily commit when they want us to kill them. Like standing in a box on the freeway, or something.

Q:  Have you ever lusted in your heart?

A:  Lust? Describe what you’re talking about. Be specific. Give examples from your own experience so that I can better understand the question.

Q:  Should a 14-year-old girl seeking an abortion have to tell her parents?

A:  She should have to tell the coolest member of her family–an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent–someone who can handle it. Then they sign the note on behalf of the fucked up family.

Q:  Do you believe in God?

A:  God believes in us, that’s what counts, and that’s what’s scary… It seems oddly fallible.

Utopia IF:

If we all dumped our high-maintenance friends all at the same time

If we all took each other’s advice and finally cut the shit

If everyone got fired and rehired with a better attitude and a little more money

If we all slept in mausoleums

If everyone thought Big Brother was watching

Excess farm production was crammed down our throats

If all the religions peacefully merged into a Thursday night story-telling contest… hosted by Garrison Keillor

If everyone blacked out when you blacked out and remembered less

If business leaders had to eat their losses and regurgitate to their young, like vultures

If everyone saw a therapist, a really good therapist, not like those other ones

If we all had to wear mug-shot necklaces introducing our crimes

If we all believed in Rick Warren and worshipped at the tomb of Jerry Fallwell

If we abandoned all our current, false relationships and followed God’s match for us at

(While having hot steamy affairs with the freaks at Match!)

If everyone practiced the hypocrisy they preached

If everyone declared a War on Evil and took out one evil person for every ten innocent bystanders they killed