Jealous of Trees

Plants are too slow. They need to get a move on.

We could have ten seasons a year but for their slowness.

If they breathed harder, we could lock away more CO-2.

But no, they never work themselves into a huff.  And they never get gray leaves.

Trees are among the few creatures that look better when they’re old.

Even the ones that have been dead and snapped for several years have that jagged look.

Age is a positive selling point when it comes to tree sex.

It’s always the same story:  young nubile sapling seeks near-dead old walnut.

But what kind of “survival strategy” is it for plants to just sit there and support everybody else?

If plants knew some more Darwin they’d have adaptified that. We should have stingy plants instead.

If in the end plants win the struggle for survival then Darwin’s theory of that struggle loses. The plants will look back on the fossils of their long-extinct fellow earthlings and say: “See, they weren’t generous enough.”

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What if Everyone Laughed at Your DNA?

Now that we know Europeans and Asians have some Neanderthal DNA it is definitely time to revise our opinions of Neanderthals and start portraying them as smart. No bias. What bias?

Historians need to dig up Columbus’ bones and test to see if he had any gay DNA:

Mystery: those were some long-ass voyages.

Mystery: he could have been a weaver like his father and been surrounded by Italian women aggrieved by the mistress system, but no, he wanted to be alone with sailors and cabin boys far from home. Far from whorehouses even.

Mystery: Columbus had a dark secret he wouldn’t even tell his sons, but perhaps it was a secret we might think of today as more rainbow-bright than dark.

If genes are so selfish, as Dr. Dawkins professes, then gay genes must be the least selfish. They just keep giving and giving and giving.

It’s debatable whether there is true homosexuality in the animal kingdom but we know that plants are very gay. As much male pollen ends up on other male plants as on female plants.

And they’re huge Onanists, casting most of their pollen on the ground.

Plants were the first creatures to whore themselves out to other species, flaunting big round hot-colored fruits and flowers for anyone to just come and poke around in. All for sex and a cheap ride.

And plants love gerbils. As a general rule, the bigger the plant, the more they like gerbils. They call it “aerating the soil”–digging tunnels in the dirt and tickling their tap roots. But a lot of rodents die in those tunnels so it’s not funny.Celebrity_DNA_Henry_Louis_Gates