Alien Reconnaissance Report on Planet Earth

(Translated excerpts pertaining to the era of 20,000 b.p. to the present)

Section IV:   Advanced Information Processing Species

A.    Human Beings

1.   Ecological Type (check one):   Non-dominating and integrated ___;  Dominating and integrated ___;  Dominating and non-integrated __X__.

(for non-integrative dominators only)  Ecological sustainability:  None–rapidly decreasing biodiversity at the macro level causing increasing threat of microscopic pestilence as per Nyordyork’s Principle of Planetary Bio-Equilibrium.

2.   Economic System:  balanced exploitation

a.   Most frequently bought & sold item (excluding food and fuel):  weapons

b.   Second most frequently transacted item (measured in monetary units):  jewelry and shiny metals

c.   Most frequently transacted type of literary culture (excluding news and current events):  Religion and superstition

3.   Energy System:  non-renewable

4.   Political System:   fake democracies and actual dictatorships

5.   Cultural/Aesthetic Systems:  mostly species-specific

6.   Justice System:   biased towards the wealthy, even-handed towards the middle classes, and oppressive of the poor

7.   Potential for Selection/Advancement:   little to none because positive human mental traits do not correspond to any genetic groupings

RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION (check one):   Maintain protective guardianship ____;  Allow catastrophic selection event(s) ____; Remove keystone species __X__

(Moral of the story:  We’re fucked, and rightly so!)

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The Gospel of Your Pet

I think my cat is gorging and vomiting up food for the neighbors and the strays so as to “win friends and influence [peers].”

Nobody can eat FIVE cans of Fancy Feast ® a day, plus some assorted low-grade cat food for good measure. That’s $100 a month or more!

And what am I getting for it?  Cuteness?!

I stopped leaving food outside for him at night a long time ago, although I can tell that he wants me to keep doing that.  But why should I feed the ‘possums and the strays or even his own ill-conceived so-called “families”?

So what if he might have sired kittens with some “lynxy-looking” pussy?  ‘Not my problem! Those ill-conceived kittens are on their own, Buddy boy! I can barely afford you!

Even if he doesn’t have any offspring that he’s secretly trying to feed, he shouldn’t be distributing my largess to Un-Worthies—i.e., cats I don’t want to adopt, which is all of them except him. The problem really is a distributional one—the stupid cat doesn’t know how to share!

Perhaps it was the booze, but tonight I let him have a bowl of wet food outside and said: “Ok Buddy, tonight you’re the ‘rich guy’—tonight you’re the one who hosts the party and shows off and everyone ‘loves’. Enjoy it.”

Because you know damn well I ain’t doin’ this every night! Forget that!

And then I suddenly realized that this is exactly how God could feel about me or any of us if he wanted to be a hard-ass about it.

And maybe that’s why He is such a hard-ass sometimes.

Oops–I mean, “amen”–those are sort of opposites, and yet synonymous too in a strange way.