Getting Fully Empty

A lot of these UFO abduction reports seem to involve sperm and egg removal so if you’re a man you’re better off keeping yourself on empty.

By any means necessary

In fact, if more men walked around empty the world would be a safer place even without the aliens. I know it’s nice to tote around a reservoir of energy, ready for action, but it causes conflicts, so if the action is not realistically coming, you’re better off running on empty.

You’ll say less stupid things. Load level and long term planning vary inversely to each other, so think ahead and let it go first.

Empty stomachs cause wars but empty wabs sooth the savage beast.

A mother bear with cubs will kill you but a male bear who’s just made cubs won’t give a shit.

Are you really in love with her? Hollow your rocks and then think about whether you still want to be with her. Do you? Then you’re in love.

The poet Heinrich Heine said that draining the well dried up his Muse—yeah, lighter balls lead to less Hiney poems, no shit.

That was corny because I’m running light. But I’m at peace too. I certainly don’t need that.

Not yet… I’m good for now and now is all you get in life.

When you’re fully empty and you see a beautiful woman your life does not become deficient. You’re OK with it. Less is more, see.

It’s hard to think about God or philosophy with a heavy sack. Priests should be required to auto-deflate in order to get closer to God. You can’t be spiritual thinking about that ass! So just go ahead and think about that ass and get it over with and then spend the rest of the day on your meditations and services, unencumbered by those mindless little single-celled organisms that take over your thinking and cause half the world’s evil.

Because sperm liberation is human liberation.

And it fucks with the aliens’ evil agenda. I’ve never been abducted.

The Opposite of War

When we sent soldiers to war they often came back with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But now we’re sending them to Liberia to build hospitals and health infrastructure and everyone loves them there.

So now they’re coming home with the opposite of PTSD–post-ecstatic safety disorder–the same mental illness that afflicted all those Peace Corps freaks in the 60’s and 70’s.

“Ever since my deployment [to West Africa] I just don’t feel threatened anymore. I don’t even want to shoot at targets during training anymore.”

If PTSD resembles a bad acid trip flashback, experts have likened PESD to an overly touchy-feely MDMA session (aka “rolling on X”).

Training sergeant:  “Soldier, why did you fail to discharge your weapon at any of the pop-up targets?!”

Soldier:  “They were all friendlies, Sarg’! Look at ’em–they need schools and bridges and hospitals… and hugs, lots of hugs.”

The effect on military families cannot be overstated:

“Man, I sleep way too deeply now. I’ve become so mellow it drives my spouse crazy. ‘How come nothing upsets you anymore!?’ And then that just makes me laugh which drives them even more crazy.”

“Daddy’s not the same anymore. He lets my little brothers and sisters get away with murder. I had to grow up with bed-checks and mandatory PT every morning.”

The Pentagon has responded by quarantining all soldiers returning from non-warfare operations in West Africa. Not for Ebola, but rather to keep their touchy-feely neo-hippie mindset from infecting the rest of our forces.

It’s especially important, the Pentagon has realized, to keep all elite units such as the Rangers out of non-warfare operations where there is no chance for any old-fashioned Traumatic Stress to keep them on edge.

It turns out some people need to be kept on edge.