Southerners Should Hibernate in Summertime

Or at least nocturnal-ize ourselves:  from the time the school year ends in late May until it begins again at the end of August, 7:00 AM is now 7:00 PM and 7:00 PM is now 7:00 AM. It’s that simple!

Call it Southern Savings Time–why shouldn’t our official time be modified by latitude as well as longitude? It’s clearly different.

And let’s face it–it’s fucking awful out there! Remember, 95 degrees in the shade means 105 degrees in the sun, and that’s 115 degrees on the blacktop, and the blacktop is inexorably spreading everywhere down here. But at night, it’s not so bad–77 degrees, balmy, breezy, and shade everywhere.

Think of the energy savings. Think of the night life. But most importantly, think of the tourist industry–we Floridians could much better fulfill our destiny of entertaining tourists if we just slept during the day and woke up at dinner time.

Because tourists, especially European tourists, love the funky, the different, the off-beat, and nothing could be more funky than an entire society that switches to nocturnal living for three months of the year.

(Well, perhaps “society” is too strong a word–“population aggregate” might be more apt.)

So while not every town can be the city that never sleeps, our cities (again, probably too strong a word–“condensed suburbs” might be more apt) our cities could become just as lively as New York City at the 3:00 in the morning, if only for those three sweaty months when no one is in New York anyway.

And they might just be down here, spending the money that we send up to their wealthy bankers and Wall Street tycoons every time we buy something or crank up our air conditioners.

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How Sex in Dreams is Better than Sex in Real Life

Unfortunately, I don’t dream about sex as often as I’d like.  All I seem to get to are some heavy make-outs and then a stupid distraction.  That Puritan ancestry on my mother’s side has really stunted my subconscious, but without the benefit of any so-called work ethic as compensation.

However, from the little “action” I’ve gotten, I’ve noticed something strange:  whereas sex in real life feels better physically than sex in dreams (no one over fifteen has wet dreams), dream-sex has a much longer-lasting psychological effect.

Real sex can put a smile on your face for several hours afterwards.  But sex in dreams puts a smile on your face the whole next day!

It seems that sex in dreams re-orders your entire subconscious in a way that real sex often does not.  Sometimes, real sex can border on being a non-event, psychologically speaking. Yet even the most jaded libertine or burnt-out sex-worker can’t help but smile uncontrollably over breakfast after a romantic tryst with the Sandman.

Therefore, if someone could invent a pill that would cause you to have sex in your dreams, or even increase the likelihood of having sex in your dreams, sales would exceed those of Viagra and Cialis combined.

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