Morning Joe Jumps the Shark — Chris Cuomo New King of Morning TV

Morning Joe attempts to do what even the Fonz couldn’t get away with

Morning Joe attempting to do what even the Fonz couldn’t get away with

Now that Mika Brzezinski is apparently no longer in danger of having a neurotic breakdown on live TV, and now that Joe Scarborough is more concerned about a future run for political office than speaking uncomfortable truths to his fellow Republicans (example: his refusal to admit that Sarah Palin is an annoying idiot or that the obese bully Chris Christie is politically dead and rightly so), their formerly amusing TV show has become a sad wasteland of empty political clichés and sycophantic ass-kisses to VIP’s they dare not discomfit.

Their latest epic fail, the one that put them on water skis in leather jackets and sent them airborne over a pool of sharks happened today, when they brought in a troupe of kids from a New York City charter school to play chess and do math problems in the background. Ugghh!

Let me guess, that was Mika’s idea, right?

No, it’s not cute. No, it’s not endearing. And no, it’s not informative or entertaining.

Look, I agree with many of Mika’s political views, so take my advice: go back to the old days when she was repressed, ignored, and overruled. It may not have been fair, it may have even been sexist and cruel, but at least it was funny. Victimhood better suits her humorless personality anyway.

Of course, as a capitalist, Joe believes in competition, and now I also believe in Joe’s competition—Chris Cuomo of CNN’s New Day. His Guido-bulldog personality is just what the “wimpy” liberal democrats have needed for generations.

CNN New Day's Chris Cuomo, liberal bulldog

CNN New Day’s Chris Cuomo, liberal bulldog

Bezos’ News-o’s: Excerpts From (and Descriptions of) The Washington Post in the Year 2020

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Morning Joe-Maica


part 6 under construction (a fake ad) but here’s part 7 for now:

Mika: Willie, go check on Richard Haass when you walk around the block sneaking your tokes or whatever you call it, I think he wandered off—

Transition music:  “Lift Up Your Head” by Everton Blender (on youtube)

SHOT OF MORNING JOE LOGO—bong being removed instead of coffee cup yuk yuk yuk

FAKE ADS:    1.  Our product v. their product, Saruman Industries–not as bad as Sauron

                        2. United Health Care MILF/nymph ad

Transition shot:   Morning Joe-Maica logo–bong gets placed down and spilled and sworn at

Transition Music:  “Blacks in America” by Mutabaruka (also on

RETURN SHOT: casual set shot, as if not on the air yet, w/ Mika saying “We never get to do MY stuff!”

Joe:  You a victim?  You wanna blur your face on da TV like a victim?  Teea-Jay, gwanna blur Mika face like da victim she claim—

Mika:   No! Not that again!…I just want to do some of my material for once…sob…

Joe:  Welcome back to Morning Joe-Maica, wheere  ya been a las’ four minutes? While Willie out lookin for Richard ‘aass and avoidin’ de Bloombaerg patrols our own Mika B got some CRUCIAL  information to discuss wit’ ya’ll (he better avoid a patrol—t’ree times I bail his ass out since ’09—dis time, Barnacle, YOU bail him out, you’re his old white uncle!)

Mika: Thank you Joe, yes, I want to read a poem my 10 year old wrote last week with only a little prompting, assistance and copy editing on my part.  It’s called “The Upper-Middle Class Manifesto.”

Joe:     Oh Jah forgive!  How me gwan face me Hill People affer dis?

Mika: “The Upper Classes are decadent in their extravagance, power, and exploitation.

            The poor are distasteful and equally decadent in their self-destruction.

            The Middle Class is too conformist and insecure to live Truly Beautiful lives—

            their tastes and values more appropriate for bee hives

            than for anywhere where anybody who’s actually anybody actually resides.

            Therefore, it is obvious that God Himself must be upper-middle class, hence His impeccable discretion.

            Check, please!”

Isn’t that adorable?

Joe: (to himself, but outloud)  Oh no, now Me c’yan NEVER face me Hill People no more! I lose my base, now I and I stuck in dis place, TRAPPED inna Babylon… Upper West Side say ‘Come on by Joe, we like ya culture! We like how ya bring da Hill People wisdom to our parties—issa like having the museum come to us!’ But none dem tell ya itta trap—you c’yan leave Upper West Side Babylon! You c’yan go back to ‘em Panhandle! Da Hill People ‘ll KILL me now! Look’a’me skin—it almost white fi so much time inna Babylon!

Mika:  Joe, are you all right? And where’s Willie—

Willie: (entering in a cloud of smoke)—me find da ‘aass man! Him a mad trippin’ out on da street! Mad trippin! (laughs)

Mika:  You left him there?

Willie:  He all right, him gwan quit his Babylon servicing job—says he gettin’ all Irie about Heile! Feelin’ Ras-sy about Selassi, getting’ ovah wit’ Jah-hov-ya, wanna safari wit Ras Tafari, groovin’ to God’s Plan ‘Gainst de White Man…

Joe:  How much coffee him a drink?

Willie:  T’ree cups dis time, made INDIAN STYLEE!!!

Mika:  Well let’s hope a reporter doesn’t corner him on the street and get him to say something he’ll regret tomorrow when he’s feeling evil again…. Well, since we did my material I guess we could just end the show after we do another commercial and then come back with the What Have We Smoked This Morning? segment…. We’ll be right back.

Joe:  She’ll be right back—me a’ Willie gwan discuss da news [(wink)] outside witta people—witta Manhattan massive— big up all da bredren inna Brains o’da Babylon Beast!

Mika:  But Willie just smoked!

Willie:  Nah, Mr. ‘aass cut short me smoke—me gwan talk him down.

Mika:  Well, that was nice of you to temporarily forgo your drugs for a man overdosing from his own drugs—

Willie and Joe in unision:  “Ya c’yan ova’dose fi da ganga!!!

Mika:  You can if you work for Babylon!

Willie and Joe:  (laughing uproariously ) Whoa, Mika B witta funniest shi’ o’ da morning! (Irie Mika B!)

Mika:  Why is that funny? Or Irie? And why am I Babylon?

TRANSITION MUSIC:  “Johnny Drughead” by Mutabaruka (on Youtube)



(c) 2012, Alan Brech