Morning Joe Jumps the Shark — Chris Cuomo New King of Morning TV

Morning Joe attempts to do what even the Fonz couldn’t get away with

Morning Joe attempting to do what even the Fonz couldn’t get away with

Now that Mika Brzezinski is apparently no longer in danger of having a neurotic breakdown on live TV, and now that Joe Scarborough is more concerned about a future run for political office than speaking uncomfortable truths to his fellow Republicans (example: his refusal to admit that Sarah Palin is an annoying idiot or that the obese bully Chris Christie is politically dead and rightly so), their formerly amusing TV show has become a sad wasteland of empty political clichés and sycophantic ass-kisses to VIP’s they dare not discomfit.

Their latest epic fail, the one that put them on water skis in leather jackets and sent them airborne over a pool of sharks happened today, when they brought in a troupe of kids from a New York City charter school to play chess and do math problems in the background. Ugghh!

Let me guess, that was Mika’s idea, right?

No, it’s not cute. No, it’s not endearing. And no, it’s not informative or entertaining.

Look, I agree with many of Mika’s political views, so take my advice: go back to the old days when she was repressed, ignored, and overruled. It may not have been fair, it may have even been sexist and cruel, but at least it was funny. Victimhood better suits her humorless personality anyway.

Of course, as a capitalist, Joe believes in competition, and now I also believe in Joe’s competition—Chris Cuomo of CNN’s New Day. His Guido-bulldog personality is just what the “wimpy” liberal democrats have needed for generations.

CNN New Day's Chris Cuomo, liberal bulldog

CNN New Day’s Chris Cuomo, liberal bulldog

Morning Joe = Howard Stern Show?

Summary/overview:  One cool guy surrounded by an uptight upper-middle-class co-host and a technical staff that sometimes messes up, with guests and part-time panelists that are either geeks and freaks (male news guys) or babes and milfs.(female news dolls). Female co-host has a lovely engaging laugh but does not cheaply bestow it on the “boys’ humor” that often threatens to undo the whole show. Of course, her disapproval makes their humor all the more funny, supposedly.

Joe =  Howard.

Mika = Robin.

TJ = Gary Dell’Abate.

Steve Rattner = Beetlejuice

So far, pretty obvious.

But even Joe Scarborough’s conservatism in a sea of liberal MSNBC-people is similar to Howard Stern’s philosophical position on his old radio show, for Howard was the nagging family guy in a sea of single sex freaks, and Howard was always telling his freaky guests to be more responsible and to grow up and be careful. Yes, Howard was a conservative–a social conservative! (Relative to his melieu.)

Another similarity between the two shows is the imperious, dictatorial atmosphere on the set during airtime whereby everybody is apparently in fear of getting fired by the host or co-host for any kind of reason.

There are numerous other similarities in style and format: the rock music interludes, of course: the idea of a public forum where even conservative guests (celebrities in Stern’s case) will be deliberately put outside their comfort zone; the selective releases of too much personal information about the host, co-host or panelists’ private lives; repeating the 6:00 AM broadcast at 8:00 AM, etc.

Mike Barnacle = Fred

John Heileman = Arte Lange

Willie Geist = Jackie the Jokeman Martling

Louis Burgdorf = Stuttering John

Donnie Deutsch = Ralph

Brian Shachtman, Bill Karins, and Brian Sullivan = latest intern to be abused

But, I gotta say, the romantic photographs of Joe and Mika–soaking in the sunset, napping in the park together, the one with the foot-massage, etc.–that’s original. Howard and Robin never did that when they had a TV show. Howard’s wives would have prevented it.

Relax Reince, Hillary won’t win anyway because…

2016 is destined to be a sumo match:

Yet another reason Hillary won't win in 2016

Yet another reason Hillary won’t win in 2016

Hillary got “neo-conned” by 9-11 while senator for New York, and the sad strange truth is that while America still loves Israel, they’ve pretty much had it with the neo-cons. (And no, they don’t see any irony there.)

It is written in the stars that the first female president will be Elizabeth Warren (after Chris Christie screws everything built up under Obama– we shouldn’t have nominated Michael Moore!)

Hillary’s record as secretary of state isn’t that great. Actually, it sucks:  no Mideast peace; no reset with Russia; Benghazi;  taking health-related postponements from the Congressional hearings and then coming back and claiming too much time had passed.

“What difference does it make?!”

Even if she won the democratic nomination, Bill Clinton’s speech at her convention won’t be as good as his 2012 speech for Obama. In fact, it’ll suck. He has his complicated side, too.

“No other secretary of state could have done any better than Hillary under those circumstances–not me, nor any of my predecessors…”

This time, Chelsea will be fair game. News people like David Shuster will be able to speak their minds again.

The two-hour TV docu-drama on Hillary will be produced by FOX–the whole thing will be crawling with subliminal ads for Christie, plus special “web-extra” content that can tear apart any pantsuit.

Morning Joe-Maica


part 6 under construction (a fake ad) but here’s part 7 for now:

Mika: Willie, go check on Richard Haass when you walk around the block sneaking your tokes or whatever you call it, I think he wandered off—

Transition music:  “Lift Up Your Head” by Everton Blender (on youtube)

SHOT OF MORNING JOE LOGO—bong being removed instead of coffee cup yuk yuk yuk

FAKE ADS:    1.  Our product v. their product, Saruman Industries–not as bad as Sauron

                        2. United Health Care MILF/nymph ad

Transition shot:   Morning Joe-Maica logo–bong gets placed down and spilled and sworn at

Transition Music:  “Blacks in America” by Mutabaruka (also on

RETURN SHOT: casual set shot, as if not on the air yet, w/ Mika saying “We never get to do MY stuff!”

Joe:  You a victim?  You wanna blur your face on da TV like a victim?  Teea-Jay, gwanna blur Mika face like da victim she claim—

Mika:   No! Not that again!…I just want to do some of my material for once…sob…

Joe:  Welcome back to Morning Joe-Maica, wheere  ya been a las’ four minutes? While Willie out lookin for Richard ‘aass and avoidin’ de Bloombaerg patrols our own Mika B got some CRUCIAL  information to discuss wit’ ya’ll (he better avoid a patrol—t’ree times I bail his ass out since ’09—dis time, Barnacle, YOU bail him out, you’re his old white uncle!)

Mika: Thank you Joe, yes, I want to read a poem my 10 year old wrote last week with only a little prompting, assistance and copy editing on my part.  It’s called “The Upper-Middle Class Manifesto.”

Joe:     Oh Jah forgive!  How me gwan face me Hill People affer dis?

Mika: “The Upper Classes are decadent in their extravagance, power, and exploitation.

            The poor are distasteful and equally decadent in their self-destruction.

            The Middle Class is too conformist and insecure to live Truly Beautiful lives—

            their tastes and values more appropriate for bee hives

            than for anywhere where anybody who’s actually anybody actually resides.

            Therefore, it is obvious that God Himself must be upper-middle class, hence His impeccable discretion.

            Check, please!”

Isn’t that adorable?

Joe: (to himself, but outloud)  Oh no, now Me c’yan NEVER face me Hill People no more! I lose my base, now I and I stuck in dis place, TRAPPED inna Babylon… Upper West Side say ‘Come on by Joe, we like ya culture! We like how ya bring da Hill People wisdom to our parties—issa like having the museum come to us!’ But none dem tell ya itta trap—you c’yan leave Upper West Side Babylon! You c’yan go back to ‘em Panhandle! Da Hill People ‘ll KILL me now! Look’a’me skin—it almost white fi so much time inna Babylon!

Mika:  Joe, are you all right? And where’s Willie—

Willie: (entering in a cloud of smoke)—me find da ‘aass man! Him a mad trippin’ out on da street! Mad trippin! (laughs)

Mika:  You left him there?

Willie:  He all right, him gwan quit his Babylon servicing job—says he gettin’ all Irie about Heile! Feelin’ Ras-sy about Selassi, getting’ ovah wit’ Jah-hov-ya, wanna safari wit Ras Tafari, groovin’ to God’s Plan ‘Gainst de White Man…

Joe:  How much coffee him a drink?

Willie:  T’ree cups dis time, made INDIAN STYLEE!!!

Mika:  Well let’s hope a reporter doesn’t corner him on the street and get him to say something he’ll regret tomorrow when he’s feeling evil again…. Well, since we did my material I guess we could just end the show after we do another commercial and then come back with the What Have We Smoked This Morning? segment…. We’ll be right back.

Joe:  She’ll be right back—me a’ Willie gwan discuss da news [(wink)] outside witta people—witta Manhattan massive— big up all da bredren inna Brains o’da Babylon Beast!

Mika:  But Willie just smoked!

Willie:  Nah, Mr. ‘aass cut short me smoke—me gwan talk him down.

Mika:  Well, that was nice of you to temporarily forgo your drugs for a man overdosing from his own drugs—

Willie and Joe in unision:  “Ya c’yan ova’dose fi da ganga!!!

Mika:  You can if you work for Babylon!

Willie and Joe:  (laughing uproariously ) Whoa, Mika B witta funniest shi’ o’ da morning! (Irie Mika B!)

Mika:  Why is that funny? Or Irie? And why am I Babylon?

TRANSITION MUSIC:  “Johnny Drughead” by Mutabaruka (on Youtube)



(c) 2012, Alan Brech