How to Talk to Foreigners

Canada:  How’s it feel to be from a country too lame to rebel against the British Empire?

Ireland:  Surrounded by good fisheries, you nevertheless managed to have a devastating Potato Famine.  And yet I’ve never heard of any Irish Fish Famine!  Eskimos have potato famines all the time and they’re never skinny.

Australia:  Your criminal ancestors’ requests for new trials has been granted and concluded:  ‘Turns out they were even more guilty than what they were convicted for (given modern morés against bestiality etc.).

Montana:  Isn’t that like a National Park or something?

France:  (Don’t. Snub them first.)

Pakistan:  In America, we’re building a town called Islama-good.  Because we’re optimists.

Iran:  Sorry amigo, when you call your capital city Terror-ran, it just makes me nervous.

Egypt:  Tarir Square?  ‘Sounds too much like Terror Square, sorry.

Germany:  How have things been since the anschluss with East Germany?  [Notoriously chilly when not drunk and overly-friendly, German visitors often require extra ice-breaking, so be sure to offer them some more lebensraum with their wine. If that doesn’t work, tell them that the tank is full of petrol and ammo and the neighbors are Polish.]

Israel-Palestine: Are you walled-in or are you walled-out?

Morocco:  What ever happened to that stuff called “hash?”

South Africa: When the feminists talk about Rape Culture, they’re not advocating it!  Now I’m not saying you have a duty to disprove the racist fear-mongers, but you kinda do…

Lebanon:  What ever happened to that stuff called “hash?”… Oh–how much does Al-Qaeda charge?

On Another Planet as Representative of All Humanity:  Man, you aliens are some ugly fucks!  No wonder you want our DNA!  I’d give you a free load of it right now if you’d just play that holographic porno you made with Shirley MacClaine.

Alan Brech