Tag Archives: money

That Dreadful New Money

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If they put a woman on the 20 dollar bill it will only be worth $19.43.

Real Players don’t flash Tubmans.

They should make money like those birthday cards that talk when you unfold them. “Are you sure you need this?”

Everyone should have to sign their money.

The burning of old bills should become a quasi-religious public ceremony. For the True Faith. New Value rising like a Phoenix…

Have you ever rubbed money on your aching foot? Cuts out the middleman.

Edible money is the next big thing. Right after legal tender blunt-wraps. Hey, if people want to eat or smoke some specially-prepared money, the Treasury Dept. should accommodate them. ‘Make a little extra money so that they don’t have to suck in all our tax dollars to pay for their expenses printing our money.

If Obama puts a woman on the $20 it will cause America to become socialist-Muslim, just like everything Obama does.

So what’s next, a Tranny $50? A gay $100? A lesbian Grand?

In my system, each president would equal their number: Washington is a $1, Adams is a $2, Lincoln is a $16, Bush Jr. is a $43, etc. That way we could judge presidential candidates on their ability to make good money:  “A $45 Huckabee??? I don’t think so!”

Koans of Daylight Savings Time

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If we didn’t go off Daylight Savings Time we would never be able to go back on it again. Unless you go off Daylight Savings Time for at least part of the year, all you’re doing is renaming 6:00 as 7:00.

It’s ironic: they’ve increased the number of days under DST, which used to end before Halloween, but if they increase it infinitely, it goes away. What else is like that?

But how many days do you have to go off DST in order to have DST?

What if we went off DST for only one week? Say in the middle of January–would that count?

But then you’d have two weekends in a row where you’re gaining and losing an hour of sleep time.

If you went off DST for just an hour, you wouldn’t be going off DST at all because you’d have to put your clocks back one hour and Standard Time would be over before it started.

So the minimum duration for Standard Time has to be two hours—yes, technically, you could make it 61 minutes long and only have one minute of non-DST, but come on, let’s be reasonable.

DST shows the power of pretending. If everybody gets together and pretends something—that 6 is now 7, or that paper money has real value—voila!—6 really is 7 and pieces of paper are really worth cheating and dying for.

Everyone worries about time and money and yet they’re both just the result of society pretending something. Sunset is real but 6:00 PM is total bullshit.

What we most want from Society are the things it pretends exist—money, time, honor, status, fame, etc.—not the things that actually exist—rocks, soil, trees and clouds.

Rocks, soil and trees are OK, mind you, but all of us would readily trade them in for the fake things that Society pretends are real. That’s the important stuff. That’s what life is really all about.