Donald Trump’s Heroes

Chattanooga military recruiters:  They’re heroes because they got shot. I prefer military recruiters who don’t get shot.

Medgar Evers:  I prefer civil rights activists who don’t get assassinated. And he did nothing for veterans–nothing!

Jesus:  Call me Muslim or Jewish but I prefer messiahs who don’t get crucified.

Davy Crockett:  He completely failed at stopping Mexican immigration.

Robin Williams:  I prefer comedians who don’t kill themselves. Suicidal comedians who want to kill themselves should place banana peels on the edge of the Grand Canyon and dance dance dance!

King Arthur:  Was a loser! For England’s sake I truly hope he was not “the once-and-future king.”

Nathan Hale:  I prefer patriots and spies who don’t get caught and hanged. My only regret is that he gave his life for our country–I’d rather he gave us information on the enemy like he was supposed to.

Donald Trump:  You want heroic? I held onto my Facebook stock back when every so-called “expert” said it was overvalued. Now I’m even more rich, very rich.

Interview with a Sniper

Q:  Is killing bad?

Q:  Which of your kills is your favorite?

Q:  Which kill are you most proud of? Which kill are you most likely to tell your grandchildren about?

Q:  Is it true that if you’re lucky in combat then you’re basically a dead man walking back in the civilian world? (You know, Chris Kyle, Ira Hayes, etc.)

Q:  Isn’t it true that the military will soon be deploying robotic snipers?

Q:  And when robotic snipers take the place of human trigger-pullers, will the computer jockeys who remotely operate these robo-snipers be heroes?

Q:  Will it take a special breed of people to remotely operate these robo-snipers?

Q:  And if, in the near future, these joystick killers operating from their office are not particularly special nor heroic, why are you? It’s the same job, right?

A:  Because snipers get shot at. Drone operators don’t.

Q:  Good point! So it’s really getting shot at that makes one heroic, not the shooting?

A:  I think it’s the combination of performing a difficult task while getting shot at or potentially getting shot at.

Q:  So if you could play chess while getting shot at, you’d be the most heroic chess player?… I guess I could see that. Thanks for the interview, sir.

A:  Thanks for letting me know I’m about to be automated out of a job.


The Opposite of War

When we sent soldiers to war they often came back with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But now we’re sending them to Liberia to build hospitals and health infrastructure and everyone loves them there.

So now they’re coming home with the opposite of PTSD–post-ecstatic safety disorder–the same mental illness that afflicted all those Peace Corps freaks in the 60’s and 70’s.

“Ever since my deployment [to West Africa] I just don’t feel threatened anymore. I don’t even want to shoot at targets during training anymore.”

If PTSD resembles a bad acid trip flashback, experts have likened PESD to an overly touchy-feely MDMA session (aka “rolling on X”).

Training sergeant:  “Soldier, why did you fail to discharge your weapon at any of the pop-up targets?!”

Soldier:  “They were all friendlies, Sarg’! Look at ’em–they need schools and bridges and hospitals… and hugs, lots of hugs.”

The effect on military families cannot be overstated:

“Man, I sleep way too deeply now. I’ve become so mellow it drives my spouse crazy. ‘How come nothing upsets you anymore!?’ And then that just makes me laugh which drives them even more crazy.”

“Daddy’s not the same anymore. He lets my little brothers and sisters get away with murder. I had to grow up with bed-checks and mandatory PT every morning.”

The Pentagon has responded by quarantining all soldiers returning from non-warfare operations in West Africa. Not for Ebola, but rather to keep their touchy-feely neo-hippie mindset from infecting the rest of our forces.

It’s especially important, the Pentagon has realized, to keep all elite units such as the Rangers out of non-warfare operations where there is no chance for any old-fashioned Traumatic Stress to keep them on edge.

It turns out some people need to be kept on edge.

Syria’s Serious Series of Saracen-Searing Sarin Sites Cited by a Series of Syrian Seriologists

I was disappointed to see the photos of some of Syria’s chemical weapons stockpiles. It just looked like a bunch of buckets and plastic 5-gallon jugs.

I was expecting more. I was expecting huge vats and evil-looking distillation machines. Not an overstocked meth lab.

I’ve seen front lawns in West Virginia with more suspicious-looking old containers than what Syria has offered up so far.

Good thing we didn’t have to do a military strike–how can you send Cruise Missiles against 5 gallon jugs?  Are our precision munitions that precise?!

Could we have afforded a Cruise Missile for every plastic jug? My math isn’t good…

Of course, Colin Powell’s logic is compelling–if the alleged WMD is really that bad-ass, a little tiny vile of it should be enough to make people want to bomb it.

That’s hard to argue with when there’s a four-star soldier holding it in your face.

Still, Syria should dress it up a little. Make their stuff look a little more evil than just buckets and jugs. It would reflect well on them, like they’re giving up some heinous capability that might have hurt us.

Something to make us feel like we’re getting something for our generous forbearance from bombing ya’ll (wink, nod).

The Glorious Future of Weapons Technology

In the immediate future we should expect:

  • Drone-killing drones (DKD’s)
  • Mini-drones to protect against DKD’s
  • Mini-drones within ICBMs (intercontinental ballistic missiles) to protect against ABMs (anti-ballistic missiles). Goodbye nuclear security…
  • On the brighter side, bullets will call 911 when fired.

Looking beyond over the next 120 years we can expect:

  • Smart hand grenades
  • Bombs that outrank sergeants
  • And finally, Artificial Intelligence programmed to destroy the enemy–the enemy meaning “other” human beings. What could go wrong? Really, what could possibly happen?

So invest now.