Is Your Pet a Reincarnated Doctor?

1.  Most doctors don’t do anything. Most pets are equally unproductive.

2.  Most doctors can’t diagnose anything. Most pets know when you’re hurting and can smell diseases from across the room.

3.  Most doctoring relies on the placebo effect. And it’s not just the pills–the white coat, the diplomas, the waiting room, they’re all placebos too. But this is as it should be, given that the 30 to 50 percent baseline of success via the placebo effect exceeds the beneficial bump above the placebo effect that constitutes successful medicine. It would be malpractice not to harness the placebo effect in standard medicine. Its only fraud if you rely on it too much.

And since anything can be a placebo, why not your dog? One could argue that the healthiest attitude is one which views the entire universe as a placebo, but lets be realistic here and stick with reincarnated doctor-dogs.

4.  If there is a morality-based system of reincarnation, karmic logic would demand that useless, over-applauded egotists would come back as humble servants with unrecognized genuine healing power.

5.  Cats have nine lives so you can always steal a few. You paid for them. And dogs in their prime are indestructible compared to people, so by laying next to them you can sometimes get your malfunctioning system to “quorum sense” with a much more resilient one. The success rate equals the placebo effect +19%! That’s damn good medicine by any modern standard.

6. For truly incurable diseases, treatment is by definition palliative, and what’s more palliative than a pet?

7.  There has to be a place between Heaven and Hell for people who try to do good and heal people but who somehow end up as callous, BMW-driving ego-pricks.

And there is:  that place is your living room floor. So crawl your ass down there and get some placebo+19.

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Republican Gun Control = Republican Health Care!

How to Get Republican Health Care:

Most Republican leaders claim that mental health services are the answer to mass shootings, not gun control.

Therefore, if you’re sick and cannot pay for it (no one can), buy a gun and then claim that your physical illness is driving you crazy. You’re homicidally depressed.

And the only way to fix your crazy is to fix your body.

Faced with a choice between taking your gun or paying for your expensive health care, the Republicans will have no choice but to pay up.

Kill Your Doctor

You’ll feel better in the morning. Much better.

And it will create jobs. Useless, overpaid jobs, but jobs nonetheless.

The fact is, if your body can’t heal itself, no healing will take place at all. The only thing a doctor can do for a non-healing body is prescribe a powerful chemical that causes a dozen other serious problems for every problem it partially alleviates.

And the stuff that really works–marijuana, sleep, laughter and prayer–they won’t touch with a 10-foot tongue depressor. Instead, they’ll send you to an unaffordable hospital where they wake you up every four hours for no reason and nothing is funny.

Their motto: Bill ’em and kill ’em.

How many people did Galen heal?  For thousands of years he was the world’s most respected physician, and guess what? Everything he said was bullshit!

(Everything except the stuff about leeches–turns out leeches really are good for you.)

If doctors weren’t so stupid drug companies wouldn’t have to spend so much money telling us what chemicals we need to take.

“Tell your doctor to prescribe you Dol-dol.”

Meaning that just by watching TV ads you’ll know more than your doctor.

As usual, Jesus got mistranslated. S/b:  “Physician, kill thyself!”

Medical Science’s Greatest Hits:

1.  Lobotomies

2.  Electro-shock “therapy”

3.  Bad vapor theory

4.  Out-of-balance “humors”

5.  Bile theory

6.  $1000 per hour

7.  Golf on Wednesdays

Medical science will soon discover that…

Dandruff is good for you.  Once every winter, in colder climates, you gotta let those little bugs chew you a new scalp. 

Mattress mites help your skin by eating yeast and other nasties.

Every time you hold in a sneeze three minutes of your life in a nursing home is lost.

Never swallow your own spit.  Try not to swallow others.

Avoid substandard orgasms.

Besides, we now know Blue Balls is good exercise.*

Biting your nails boosts the immune system

A filthy baby is a healthy baby.

There are three main sources of human suffering:

  • Lack
  • Excess
  • Boring moderation

And we can fix that.

*pervertedwisdom does not condone the deliberate self-infliction of blue balls by athletes prior to competitions as a method of boosting testosterone and enhancing performance.

Overrated Profession #37: Doctor, aka Body Janitors

Being a doctor is just like being a janitor for other people’s bodies.
Not glamorous at all!
“Oh the glamour of polyps, pustules, wounds and infections,
To be wrist-deep again in stool, bile, and necrotic discharges!”

Joke sequel: “Wait, not Heinz Snivelsniff the German Shepherd?”
“Don’t worry, he’s got a new human assistant, not like the last guy.”

Next week: lawyers and police, the janitors of our social waste
(c) 2012, Alan Brech