Tag Archives: life
Biology’s Missing Turds
1. Every animal produces turds.
2. Even animals that eat turds, like my dog, produce their own, and so on down the turd-chain (sorry, turd-network, gotta stay up with the latest sci-talk)—all of which I’m responsible for cleaning lest I be accused of boorish dog-walking and having a dirty toilet.
3. Over the course of any animal’s lifespan, it always produces more turd-weight than it itself weighs (only the good die young).
4. The total global biomass of turd should thus always exceed the total global biomass of animals.
5. Yet the world doesn’t stink that much nor is it quite so shitty. In fact, it’s rather pleasant sometimes especially when you’re a kid unconcerned with everyone else’s shit.
ERGO: Not only do plants not produce turds (we already knew that) but obviously ipso facto they and their micro-minions produce virtually no waste whatsoever, lest the whole planetary surface be but Life and Turd, and eventually all turd, just like Planet Exlax, those poor stinky bastards—no don’t let them in!
Getting Fully Empty
A lot of these UFO abduction reports seem to involve sperm and egg removal so if you’re a man you’re better off keeping yourself on empty.
By any means necessary
In fact, if more men walked around empty the world would be a safer place even without the aliens. I know it’s nice to tote around a reservoir of energy, ready for action, but it causes conflicts, so if the action is not realistically coming, you’re better off running on empty.
You’ll say less stupid things. Load level and long term planning vary inversely to each other, so think ahead and let it go first.
Empty stomachs cause wars but empty wabs sooth the savage beast.
A mother bear with cubs will kill you but a male bear who’s just made cubs won’t give a shit.
Are you really in love with her? Hollow your rocks and then think about whether you still want to be with her. Do you? Then you’re in love.
The poet Heinrich Heine said that draining the well dried up his Muse—yeah, lighter balls lead to less Hiney poems, no shit.
That was corny because I’m running light. But I’m at peace too. I certainly don’t need that.
Not yet… I’m good for now and now is all you get in life.
When you’re fully empty and you see a beautiful woman your life does not become deficient. You’re OK with it. Less is more, see.
It’s hard to think about God or philosophy with a heavy sack. Priests should be required to auto-deflate in order to get closer to God. You can’t be spiritual thinking about that ass! So just go ahead and think about that ass and get it over with and then spend the rest of the day on your meditations and services, unencumbered by those mindless little single-celled organisms that take over your thinking and cause half the world’s evil.
Because sperm liberation is human liberation.
And it fucks with the aliens’ evil agenda. I’ve never been abducted.
T2: The Meaning of Time
From the lawn chair of enlightenment
in the suburban yard of the Strip-Mall Oracle
came the wisdom of the moment,
cogent, clear, and marketable:
“As depth is perpendicular to length and height
so too time is at right angles to everything in sight.
Beyond time, what is perpendicular to it?
Meaning, truth, and the goodness that comes through it.”
After a few digressions concerning money and stock picks
–since it only speaks when asked of something–
the Oracle resumed its discourse on more lofty topics:
“[unintelligible]… to exceed one’s dimension is the object,
to grow beyond Time is the crown,
thus meaning can only be attained and never just found…
“And to you I say the Mets look good this year,
but then that’s always true until mid-summer draws near.
And to you, I say leave that bitch,
she slept with one of your friends–you’re better not knowing which…”
A few hours later, after countless mundane truths
–a woman’s computer problems were not only intricate,
but the solutions very hard to fit into a rhyme–
the Oracle spoke once again to those seeking sooth:
“…the higher dimensions do not discard the lower,
nor do they replace them, no, they remain dependent,
though not all information from below is equally ascendant.
“Just as time cannot, in three dimensions, become static,
so too must the meaning of time–
the time of time, time squared–
forever remain elastic.
“Now, about those mortgage rates…”