The NRA Gospel

Turn the other cheek while maintaining a rapid rate of fire.

If a man take thy cloak forbid him not to take thy overcoat also, then plug his ass if he falleth for it.

Give unto the poor, then bid them leave by flexing thy steel.

Blessed are the Peacemakers–Smith and Wesson and Colt, yea and Kalashnikov too, for they shall guard the Compound of Heaven.

For a man’s treasure is where his arsenal is, right next to his comms center.

Let not thy right hand know what weapons thy left arm concealeth.

Tis harder for a rich man to enter the Bunker of Heaven than it is for a poor man with an RPG and teflon-coated bullets.

For the gunsmith is worth his wages.

In the beginning was the Word, and the word was Safety. And the next word was Off.

The Kingdom of Heaven is like unto a tiny projectile that causes the smallest of entrance wounds but totally blows away the back of your head.

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Testing the Limits of the Law

Is this legal, illegal, or just fucked up?

“American Airlines, can I help you?

“Hello, this is Allahu Akbar al Jihadi. There is no bomb aboard Flight 2257 from Paris. Repeat–no bomb.”

“No bomb?”

“No. None. You can relax. And on Flight 4141 from Miami–those guys are not hijackers.”

“Not hijackers?”

“No, they’re day laborers. The hijackers got scared on the way to the airport and hired them instead. Unfortunately, they’re quite harmless… But whatever you do, for God’s sake don’t let them drink too much. Tell them you’re flying over a dry county when they ask for seconds.”

“Ok…anything else?”

“Yeah, could I get a one-way to Isantbul tomorrow?”

Cops Deserve Expensive Cologne

When the squad of motorcycle cops passed by my car while waiting at the light, I didn’t smell motorcycle exhaust at all. Instead, I smelled really bad cologne. Horrible cologne!

1st thought:  It’s amazing how far engine exhaust technology has come—I’m downwind of those bikes and all I smell is the human being. That is encouraging…

2nd thought:  You know, cops shouldn’t have to perform their job smelling so cheap. They should smell like those musky, wealthy businessmen on the morning commuter trains who can turn your nose gay.

It commands respect, when you smell expensive. It makes people want to be with you. How much easier would police work be if everyone not only respected the cops but actually wanted to be with them while on duty?

The same domestic disturbance is much more likely to be resolved smoothly if you show up smelling like a million Swiss francs than if you show up smelling like an air freshener.

Now obviously cops don’t make enough money to afford their own expensive cologne. We civilians must be the ones to provide it to them. The question is: public or private? There are problems with both.

Public funding of police redolence is not only expensive but governments are notoriously bad when it comes to issues of fashion and culture, and nasal aesthetics are almost as subject to fashion as visual aesthetics. Back in the 80’s, the East Germans tried to issue their commissars a socialist version of “expensive cologne” and look what happened. No one would even turn around, they smelled so bad.

On the other hand, private funding of fragrant law enforcement naturally leads to problems of corruption and influence peddling. Who’s going to bust the person who made you smell like royalty? You wanna go back to smelling like bathroom spray?

One way or the other, however, we must reform our police. We must make them smell better. Much better.