Outsource American TV News

American-made TV news is a dinosaur destined for extinction, a gas-guzzler headed for the museum. America just can’t do TV news anymore. It’s become too big not to fail, like Brian Williams or a ’72 Chevy Impala.

Meanwhile foreign news companies like the Arab-owned Al Jazeera or the Israeli-owned FOX News are outproducing and outperforming all our domestic news networks.

Problems:

CNN and MSNBC can only cover one story at a time. Baltimore riots, Bruce Jenner, Charleston killings, Confederate flag removals—these are the only things that happened in June and July 2015. Nothing else was worth covering.

American TV news retains and promotes the wrong people (Matt Lauer, George Stephanopolous, Brian Williams) and releases the good ones. We hit ’em and leave ’em and Al Jazeera pulls up quick to retrieve ’em.

American news is too close to its sources and its sponsors. Its sources are law enforcement, the military, and politicians. Its sponsors are the pharmaceutical industry, the Koch brothers, and “wealth management” firms. If you can’t afford to alienate any of these people you have no business reporting the news.

 – The rest of the world barely exists in American TV news. Five Americans dying from terrorism warrants five days of constant “coverage.” Fifty foreigners in Goddamnastan dying from terrorism barely elicits a five-second mention in between celebrity diet stories.

America’s “24/7 news cycle” is really only 18 hours long on weekdays. On weekends MSNBC goes to jail, CNN goes to restaurants with Anthony Bourdain, FOX reminisces about the good old wars, and CNN Headline News shows internet clips and re-runs of re-runs of Forensic Files. Foreigners, however, don’t have the luxury of assuming that the whole world runs on Eastern Standard Time. They’re always on their toes.

 – American news manipulators mistakenly believe their own focus groups:

“We Americans don’t want to hear about how bad things are in America.”

     Yes we do! We love this fuckin’ country!

“We don’t want to hear about the latest coups and riots in the tiny nation of Upper Baboonasshole.”

     In fact, I would have liked to have seen a TV reality show centered around the Buck Naked Brigade.

“We want news stories that highlight the dominant social themes of the day.”

     Yeah, as you see them, allowing you to pick and choose the social themes of the day and suppress the ones disfavored by your Sources and Sponsors.

Solutions:

None—if CNN and the other American networks tried to learn from Al Jazeera it would be like Ford Motors trying to build the Pinto. There’s no hope. You can’t fix a cracked colossus.

Confuse the News — Let’s Blurry the Lead

•  Missing Malaysian jetliner crashes into East Harlem building in New York, killing dozens

Spokesman for Chinese families says: “Now we have crosure.”

•  Turkish streets erupt in protest over Venezuelan protests against David Jolly victory over Alex Sink in Florida special election

Floridians react:  “Surf’s up!”

•  Putin sends handicapped troops into Special Olympics, seizing Ukrainian gold and causing Oscar Pistorius to vomit on his stumps

•  Obama grants comedian a health care interview to help him with his sick jokes

•  Republicans rescind and reject Republican-sponsored bill as “socialist garbage” after Obama signals possible non-veto

•  Drought in California causing widespread medical marijuana shortages–millions of fake illnesses could go untreated for months

•  Military tribunal on sex crimes asks cheerleader to the prom

•  Heart-warming viral video:  Afghanistan war veteran surprises his mistress with unannounced homecoming

•  Conservative Think-Tank Study: Impoverished recipients of marijuana tax money in Colorado wasting their money on pot