Monty Python’s Trumpalot

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Donald_Trump_flying_circus

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Trump Is No Hitler

hitler

Hitler:  Had a weird haircut that later became popular among the New Wavers of the 1980s

Trump:  Has an even stranger hairstyle that will never become popular because it’s obviously ridiculous, even to New Wavers (Flock of Seagulls notwithstanding)

Hitler:  Served in World War I for the duration and twice won the Iron Cross for bravery

Trump:  Dodged the draft; never served; never would serve; almost shit his pants when an unarmed protester rushed the stage

Hitler:  Did not incite riots after being denied the Chancellorship in 1932 even though he had obtained the largest plurality of votes

Trump:  Threatens riots if he falls short of the necessary votes to win the nomination

Hitler:  Eschewed profanity; never swore in public

Trump:  Fuckin’ swears all the time

Hitler:  Successfully built the Atlantic Wall and the Siegfried Line

Trump:  Talks a bunch of shit about a wall that will never get built and which we don’t need anyway

Trump:  Publicly called Mexicans rapists and criminals

Hitler:  Never said anything bad about Mexicans

Hitler:  Stirred up less-educated people to hate minorities, foreigners and political opponents

Trump:  Same thing…but other than that minor detail, he’s no Hitler

Is Carson on Drugs?

Trump not only beat Bush and Cruz in New Hampshire, he schlanged them. He reamed them–so much so that he has now changed his views on gay marriage. Again.

Speaking of which, are Huma and Hillary in love? I see a lot of love there. And certainly Anthony Wiener and Bill Clinton could drive any woman to try lesbianism. Melania Trump would be crazy not to try it–she could have a bigger pick of ladies than her husband had when he picked her out of an ass line-up.

Is Carson on drugs? People don’t zip down to Florida for clothes.

Speaking of clothes, is America ready for a nudist president? Probably not, but I’m sure Lady Godiva could win a few state and local elections. Especially if she were pro-gun and pro-Bible. “Prison-glow” might even help her.

Since prisoners can’t vote they should have their own elections to choose a President of Incarcerated America. If democracy and citizenship is so darn good and important, why not make it part of prison “rehabilitation?” It can’t be any worse than the existing gang-ocracy. It would give new meaning the phrase “term limits.”

By knee-capping Rubio and then stepping aside, Chris Christie has successfully completed his campaign to become the next Republican Attorney General. Lindsay Graham was equally successful in his bid to become Secretary of State or Defense. Ditto Carly and Commerce.

Peace between Russia and Ukraine could be achieved if Donald Trump was appointed ambassador to his buddy Putin and Melania Trump was ambassador to her native Ukraine. And if war did break out, you would know in advance as soon as Trump filed for another divorce.

Meanwhile, Democrats are faced with the difficult choice between a Clinton-Sanders ticket or a Sanders-Clinton ticket. That’s a tough one. It could go either way.

In the debate last night, Clinton was excellent and Sanders was very good. Meaning Sanders won. Life is so unfair.

Is Carson on drugs? I guess I am since I just repeated myself, but then by that logic Marco Rubio is on three times as much drugs as me. Must be a Florida thing.

But seriously, didn’t Carson’s face look really puffy and rough during that debate where he could not hear his name being announced? Remember Rush Limbaugh’s “deafness?” Another Florida boy gone bad.

Getting Fully Empty

A lot of these UFO abduction reports seem to involve sperm and egg removal so if you’re a man you’re better off keeping yourself on empty.

By any means necessary

In fact, if more men walked around empty the world would be a safer place even without the aliens. I know it’s nice to tote around a reservoir of energy, ready for action, but it causes conflicts, so if the action is not realistically coming, you’re better off running on empty.

You’ll say less stupid things. Load level and long term planning vary inversely to each other, so think ahead and let it go first.

Empty stomachs cause wars but empty wabs sooth the savage beast.

A mother bear with cubs will kill you but a male bear who’s just made cubs won’t give a shit.

Are you really in love with her? Hollow your rocks and then think about whether you still want to be with her. Do you? Then you’re in love.

The poet Heinrich Heine said that draining the well dried up his Muse—yeah, lighter balls lead to less Hiney poems, no shit.

That was corny because I’m running light. But I’m at peace too. I certainly don’t need that.

Not yet… I’m good for now and now is all you get in life.

When you’re fully empty and you see a beautiful woman your life does not become deficient. You’re OK with it. Less is more, see.

It’s hard to think about God or philosophy with a heavy sack. Priests should be required to auto-deflate in order to get closer to God. You can’t be spiritual thinking about that ass! So just go ahead and think about that ass and get it over with and then spend the rest of the day on your meditations and services, unencumbered by those mindless little single-celled organisms that take over your thinking and cause half the world’s evil.

Because sperm liberation is human liberation.

And it fucks with the aliens’ evil agenda. I’ve never been abducted.

Harper Lee Sequel – Prequels

The Lord of the Rings:  Gandalf is a dick. Sauron is just a prisoner of his times.

The Cather in the Rye:  Holden Caulfield is a phony.

Lord of the Flies:  Ralph becomes the real dictator. A liberal dictator.

A Christmas Carol:  Tiny Tim Cratchit is a manipulative little twerp.

The Old Man and the Sea:  Is a perv.

Dr. Zhivago:  Is a quack.

James Bond:  Dorky in high school and then impotent. Later incontinent. Then in mid-career he develops uncontrollable projectile vomiting and narcolepsy.

On the Road:  Kerouac/Sal Paradise blows off his friend and stays home with his Mom/Aunt.

Strange New Marijuana Varieties

Hanukkah Bud:  Burns for eight days. It’s a miracle.

Florida Skunk Ape:  Smells like shit and no one can find it.

Anthro Buzz:  Makes you study the people around you and ask “What the fuck?” Obviously not a buzz for everyone.

Skeptical Haze:  Makes you doubt everything. Another specialty buzz.

Love Potion Number 4-20:  Don’t even think about not thinking about sex.

Feeding Frenzy:  Say goodbye to all diets and fasts. Gain weight on chemo.

Blank Stare:  Because eye movement is overrated. What does it get you?

On Edge:  Got enemies?

Cinderella Genius:  Experience great insights that turn into pumpkins after four hours. It’s a ball.

Comedy Condiment:  Try it and then reread this. Give me another chance.

That Dreadful New Money

If they put a woman on the 20 dollar bill it will only be worth $19.43.

Real Players don’t flash Tubmans.

They should make money like those birthday cards that talk when you unfold them. “Are you sure you need this?”

Everyone should have to sign their money.

The burning of old bills should become a quasi-religious public ceremony. For the True Faith. New Value rising like a Phoenix…

Have you ever rubbed money on your aching foot? Cuts out the middleman.

Edible money is the next big thing. Right after legal tender blunt-wraps. Hey, if people want to eat or smoke some specially-prepared money, the Treasury Dept. should accommodate them. ‘Make a little extra money so that they don’t have to suck in all our tax dollars to pay for their expenses printing our money.

If Obama puts a woman on the $20 it will cause America to become socialist-Muslim, just like everything Obama does.

So what’s next, a Tranny $50? A gay $100? A lesbian Grand?

In my system, each president would equal their number: Washington is a $1, Adams is a $2, Lincoln is a $16, Bush Jr. is a $43, etc. That way we could judge presidential candidates on their ability to make good money:  “A $45 Huckabee??? I don’t think so!”

Best Reveals from PBS’s Genealogy Roadshow

1.     “Now you contacted The Roadshow asking whether you might have any African or Indian ancestry in your family background. And the reason you asked is because–”

“Because I’m the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan in my area.”

“Normally we at The Roadshow don’t do pedigree searches for racist organizations, but your case was particularly fascinating. Both DNA and family history research clearly reveals that you are 6.25 percent–or 1/16th–African. How does that make you feel?”

Shit–now I gotta lynch myself!”

“Lynch yourself?!  Being part black is no reason to stop living.”

(Tying rope around his neck) “After all the white women I’ve banged, it just wouldn’t be right.”

2.     “Congratulations, your great-great grandfather invented gerbiling.”

3.     “Now, looking at the 1840 census shown here, you can see that your fourth great-grandmother, Judith Linton, is listed here as living in New Orleans. Scrolling to the right, can you read what it says under ‘occupation’?”

“Two-bit whore?”

“Two-bit whore. So the good news is–well, at least she wasn’t a one-bit whore, at least not in 1840. By the 1860 census, however, she was living in the poorhouse and couldn’t even give it away.”

4.     “Tracing your family history back over numerous generations, we found that your great-great-great-great-great grandfather was an orangutan named Koko. And this is a picture of Koko here from his days in the circus… Now, prior to twenty years ago, subhuman genealogy was all but impossible. But today, with recent advances in genetic science, we’re actually able to break it down and tell you what part of your ancestry is gorilla, what part chimp, what part orang, what part howler monkey, and what part Irish. Looking only at the subhuman side of your family, you can see in this pie chart that you are 12% gorilla, 28% chimp, 30% orangutan, 15% macaque, and–and this was surprising–15% bush baby. We at The Roadshow have never seen such diversity before.”

“It’s like a big melting pot.”

“Or a village cooking pot full of bush meat.”

“It’s great getting in touch with your roots like that.”

“Or tree branches, in your case.”

Traffic Signs from the Future

gaycruisingsign roughtradesign no_vertical_passing_sign ozone_reentry_sign

Text only:

  • THIS AIRSPACE IS GOVERNED BY SHARIA LAW
  • BUCKLE UP–IT’S LUNAR LAW!
  • WELCOME TO THE UNDERWATER HISTORIC VILLAGE OF NEW ORLEANS
  • USE OF PHONE AND TEXT DEVICES PROHIBITED IN HYPERSPACE
  • DRINKING WHILE DRONING IS A FELONY!
  • HAZARDOUS CONDITIONS:  PROCEED IN YOUR OWN RELATIVE TIME FRAME

His Act Died for Your Sins

Laugh not lest ye be laughed at.

If a brother should smite thee with a humorous anecdote, reply with two stories even more self-deprecating.

Blessed are the unfunny and the dull-witted for their zingers will rip us new assholes in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are the easily confused and those who never get the joke for they shall receive the humor of God and will know when the archangels are being sarcastic. Yea, they will finally get it.

Blessed are those who suffer ethnic disparagement because of the crude, silly antics of their countrymen, for they shall have better addresses. And better countrymen.

In the beginning was the Pun and the Pun was stupid. Stupid good!

Get thee behind me, hack comedian!

Whose face is on this button? Bozo’s? Then give unto Bozo that which is Bozo’s.

But avoid the leaven of the hack comedians so that thy humor is not fluffy and airy but tough and full of substance like unleavened bread.

For wide is the gate, and broad is the way, and slippery is the surface that leadeth to cheap laughs.

And if a heckler should ruin your act, go ahead and give him your overcoat as well. The one with bubonic fleas.

Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Knock-knock, and we’re pulling your ass off the stage.

Forgive them Father, for they do not know a good joke for shit… But please kill those hecklers.

Formulas for Funny and Insults for the Ages

I invented a new saying I’m hoping will catch on:

“Yeah, but what are your real problems?”

The normal context for such a remark would be when someone is complaining at length about something. And that happens a lot!

Unfortunately, this might be a bit too insulting for use outside of the northeastern United States, LA, and Israel. Those smarmy Canadians and Midwesterners will never take to it.

But I know it’s mine because I googled “but what are your real problems” in quotation marks and got zero results. Now if you google it you will get this page and this page alone. That means I own it.

The reason I’m hoping it will catch on is because—I don’t know, really, I guess just to invent something and have some credit with myself—to hear me come back to me on the lips of someone else and be able to say to myself that was me.

Because there have been all sorts of “formula jokes” in wide circulation over the years, changing with the times:

  • “Oh, it’s one of those.”

This was a joking rejoinder used in the 80s when someone was describing something weird as if it were more normal or typical than it really was. (And being normal was important back in the 80s.) E.g.:

“She was like this Valley girl chess champion on steroids.”

“Oh, one of those.

This is the ironic strategy of over-agreeing. As if: not only do I understand what you’re describing, I even know of this entirely improbable category of things just like it.

Later on, in the 90’s, there developed a much more concise form of humorous over-agreement, but it really only works well with a thick Italian-American accent. Someone says something improbable, unfeasible, self-defeating, or obviously inaccurate, so you reply in an overly agreeable tone (preferably with a guido accent):

“Yeah, huh!?”

From the mouth of a qualified guido it can be pretty funny.

  • “—from Hell.”

This was such a formula joke back in the 80’s that the demographic computers which wrote the scripts for the TV show thirtysomething even picked up on it. I think the line was something like: “It’s the latest Yuppie marketing strategy from Hell.”

And no, there was no intended irony there. Demographic computers couldn’t do that back then, only real writers, which thirtysomething lacked.

Unfortunately, this trend of using demographic computers as “creative” writers has continued apace since the hellish days of thirtysomething. All of the jokes in the GEICO television ads, for instance, are generated by computers trying to replicate the “typical” things that “typical” people say when they’re trying to be funny or responding to something funny:

“Yeah, I guess I walked right into that one…” or “…I get the gist.” etc.

  • “Is that a cry for help?”

As we moved out of the selfish 80’s into the touchy-feely 90’s, this line became a new formula for humorous disparagement. So for example:

“Is that a garage sale or a cry for help?”

Or someone does something strange and you say:

“Well, we all have our ways of crying for help.”

This suited the 90s better than the harsher put-downs of the 80s (e.g. “You’re hurting!”) because, while disparaging, at least it purports to be empathetic and with a mind towards “therapy,” however sardonic the intentions.

So it’s in that same vein that my new formula put-down (“But what are your real problems?”) carries itself:

You’re trying to help and to listen (snicker) but at the same time you’re insultingly implying that the listener is a fucking mess and that the things they’re complaining about are just tip-of-the-iceberg indications of some much deeper problems.

Concise insults like that deserve wide circulation. Now go use it to put down your friends. Use it before GEICO grabs it and wears it out.