Fictitious Town Names USA

  • Disappointment, Florida
  • Wrongturn, Georgia
  • Godknows, Kentucky
  • Freefirezone, Montana
  • Cousin Crossings, West Virginia
  • False Values, Iowa
  • The Town With No Name, Maine
  • PO Box, Nevada
  • Plainfolk, Alabama
  • Tailgate, New York
  • Limbo, Maryland
  • Rapist City, South Carolina
  • Analingus, Kansas
  • Somewheresville, Somewhere
  • Strippersville, North Carolina
  • Angrydrunk, Rhode Island
  • Bad Movie, Wyoming
  • Once Sacred, Indiana
  • Blood-In/Blood-Out, Pennsylvania
  • Habla Ingles, Florida
  • Sketchy Past, Alaska
  • The twin cities of Hardtail and Dudesville, Wisconsin
  • Yellingtown, New Jersey
  • Looted Graves, Ohio
  • Missing Limbs, Missouri
  • Missing Women, Mississippi
  • Mundane, Michigan
  • Toomuchgod, Texas
  • Tolerable Valley, Utah
  • Slow Death, South Dakota
  • Snobford, Connecticut
  • Stillhere, Tennessee
  • Rudesttown, New Jersey
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I Wish My Dog Knew

That–

• Just because I do a bong-hit and grab my can of Swedish nicotine candy (“Snus”) does not mean I’m taking you for a walk.

It just means the odds have gone way up.

• It’s Society that makes me leave you in the morning to go to work. Society, dammit.

(Tears)

• You should poop on undeveloped and abandoned lots, or at least ones without cars in the driveway, or ones with cars that have “Co-exist” bumper stickers.

And if I do remember to bring a poop bag don’t you dare double-shit me!

• Other dogs have a right to exist.

I’m afraid he’s never going to learn this–too many vague abstract concepts involved.

• Only chase cats that run from you.

He already knows this, actually. He just goes through the motions of aggression towards cats who don’t run. His real hatred is for his own kind.

• People get maudlin when they’re drunk.

So just put up with it.

• If you want to scratch in the middle of the night, get the hell off the bed.

Then come right back, I need you.

• If you have to bark in the middle of the night don’t go from zero to ninety decibels instantaneously.

Crescendo, please. Let me know it’s coming.

• Fireworks are meaningless.

Save your concern for gunfire. Try to learn the difference because I’m not good at it and I kinda wanna know.

• Not while I’m driving!

You can jump on me when we pull in our driveway; but not every stop is our driveway dammit!

• Every expedition must begin with a “Shit, I forgot my [fill in the blank]!” followed by a quick turnaround and a backtrack indoors. So just expect it.

CPAC Under Trump =

CPAC under Trump =
Compromised Principles Action Committee
Credulous Patsies of an American Conman
Caucasian People Against Coexistence
Corrupt Political Allies of Cretinism
Committee to Protect Aryan Consciousness
Craven Pawns of the Angry Crazy-man
Committee to Pervert America’s Constitution
Crackpots Posing As Conservatives
Christians Praising the Anti-Christ
Cowardly Practitioners of Absolute Corruption
The Brownshirts.

Trump is a True Floridian Because…

–He dominates every news cycle with stupid outlandish crap

–His wealth has not purchased any class

–He’s fun to check in on but you wouldn’t want to be there for four straight years

–Hyperbolic self-promotion is a cornerstone of his success

–He’s actually from New York

–Bad hair, bad tan, bad hat, bad grammar, bad diction, can’t focus on anything too long

–He was a Democrat, he’s a Republican, he flirted with Independent, he doesn’t fucking know

–He believes The National Enquirer and is often featured in it

–He hates foreigners and is dependent upon them

–His kids have to take care of him and clean up his mess