He is the greatest painter–every second a halo of infinitely varied sunsets and sunrises sweeps around the globe; the greatest storyteller–supreme in all the genres and their seamless blending; the greatest sculptor–look at that ass!; the greatest scientist, the greatest friend, the greatest patron, the greatest dramatist–
“But I”m not funny and there’s nothing funny about me at all.”
Verily his deadpan is killer.
Praying too little means you’re probably only praying when you need something.
Praying too much is disrespectful. You should pray more than you need to but less than you “have to.”
Make it special for Godsake!
Religion and edifying spirituality is the salt of the earth, not the dirt; it should not be everywhere all the time.
Turn the other cheek so the second punch misses.
It’s better to shop for churches than to go to just one.
All of the world’s Holy Books have many edifying qualities, and many, many stupid parts as well. See, ya gotta keep shopping.
It’s possible Jesus and others have been apotheosized into someone super-supernatural. But it’s a certainty that none of the Advanced Aliens believe in him. They might have their own. Point is, if any earthly entity has become godlike, its only in these parts. Not Andromeda. Those Crab Nebulans aren’t preaching our gospels, and why should they? ‘You gonna send a whole nebula to Hell?
The concept of hell need not be abandoned, just radically downsized. Hell is surgery not needless suffering. It makes things better or else God wouldn’t have made it. But its probably surgery without anaesthesia, so watch out.
The parts where Jesus sounds like a hippie are the best parts. But that still doesn’t make being a hippie the right way to go.
“This church is the only true one” is virus code.
Be fruitful and multiply has become virus code. It used to be good and therefore holy. But that was then.
The fruit by which ye shall know them is when they forbid you to look at the rest of the garden and they talk shit about it. That’s when you know your fruit has gone bad. And all fruit go bad.
That’s why you gotta keep shopping.
Because at True Christian Charity® we distribute money and assistance the way Jesus taught.
Interviewer: What are some of the more prominent charitable projects undertaken by the TCC (the True Christian Charity) over the last few years?
TCC Representative: I can’t say. I mean, I won’t say.
Interviewer: Won’t say? Why not?
TCC: Because when it comes to charitable giving, Jesus said “When thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth” [Matthew 6:3]. That means keep it a secret even from yourself. And Jesus often bade the recipients of his miracles to stay quiet about it. A true Christian does not publicly display their piety or their virtue [Mark 12:40].
Interviewer: How do you make sure your gifts are going to the truly needy?
TCC: We don’t.
Interviewer: But you could end up giving to criminals and other un-worthies.
TCC: “Him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also” [Luke 6:29].
Interviewer: What if it’s al-Qaeda?
TCC: We hope it is al-Qaeda: “Resist not evil: but whoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also [Matthew 5:39]. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who spitefully use you, and persecute you” [Matthew 5:44]. “Vengeance is mine; I will repay” [Hebrews 10:30].
Interviewer: What are some of your future plans at TCC looking forward?
TCC: No plans whatsoever: “Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself” [Matthew 6:34].
Interviewer: Is there any charitable project that TCC will not assist?
TCC: Yes, TCC will not help anyone with their funeral expenses, no matter how destitute you might be: “Let the dead bury the dead” [Matthew 8:22].
Interviewer: So how can people get in touch with the TCC? Do you have a website?
TCC: No, that would be vain and boastful.
Interviewer: So how can people contact the TCC?
TCC: In private. Alone. In your secret places where you can shut the door behind you [Matthew 6:6]. Or on mountaintops, near clean bodies of water, fishing camps, fishing holes, anything to do with fishing–that’s where many TCC staffers spend their time. But you might also find them in an IRS office or outside a whorehouse. You never know. But they’re rarely at the mall.
Interviewer: How can you identify TCC staffers?
TCC: You can’t. We have no special vestments for even Solomon in all his regal glory could not compare to a lily [Luke 12:27]. The only way to know for sure is to hang out at the base of sacred mountains and see who comes down transfigured [Matthew 17:2].
Interviewer: If you eschew all publicity, then why are you doing this interview?
TCC: Because I’m a hypocrite. They’re going to shun me for sure.
Perverted Wisdom 