Stupid ISIS Puns

ISIS recently opened branches in Rome and Naples called Italian ISIS.

As a public relations ploy, ISIS is taking on the issue of Global Warming, creating a phony “sub-caliphate” called ISIS Melting.

Once again, Bill Clinton was prophetic when he said:  “It depends on what is is.” And for his prescience, he got ridiculed. Like all prophets.

ISIS’s failed attempt to use two decrepit Llamas from South America named Hal and Al as pack animals to transport their weapons led one Islamic scholar to question whether the animals could be slaughtered for food:  “Is ISIS’s Sick Llamas Islamic? Or are Hal and Al not Halal?”

He was killed. Too many questions.

Unfortunately, simply referring to ISIS as ISIL is not going to isil-late them.

But we must stop ISIS soon because if they take over Jordan they will be called ISJIS and if they take over Turkey they’ll be called ISIST and if they take over both Turkey and Europe they will be called ISISTER, and then we’ll have a State of Holy Islamic Terror, or SHIT for short.

Best new tasty treat on the market–ISIS Cream.  I scream, you scream, we all scream for ISIS cream.  Off with their heads–this shit is good!  Be sure to try all the new flavors: Martyr’s Blood®, Decap-puccino®, and Kiss My Ka’aba® Extra Dark Chocolate with real meteorite chunks®.  We don’t have to consult a Prophet to know that you’re gonna love this stuff–you surah will–because kids and Imams all agree, ISIS Cream is the ultimate delicious treat that will ruin your appetite forever!

My Fake Conversion to Isislam

Shopping for religions one day, exploring all the philosophical and doctrinal differences and weighing their various defects and virtues, I decided I needed a religion with more beheadings.

A religion with more beheadings is the kind of religion you want to be a part of, that’s for sure. As the saying goes: “Faith, Hope, Charity, yet without beheadings, I am as nothing.”

It’s hard not to think about God during a beheading. It’s so moving.

What a great selling point for our religion—the Jehovah Witnesses have their pamphlets and the Protestants have their hospitals and faggy medical missionaries, but hey, we’ve got snuff films!

Snuff films which glorify God.

If the Prophet were alive today, he’d be into that kind of snuff, right?

Thousands of psychotic converts like me are inexorably drawn to the True Faith (mankind’s best hope) after seeing a video of a beheading.

You had me at the first messy knife-cut!

If only they could bring back quartering–you know, where they put a draft animal on each limb–think of all the sick-fuck converts we could win over!

Our religion will benefit greatly from drawing in all these sick-fucks who like snuff. We will be the new Elect of God, singing ancient praises of the All Mighty One, watching high-pressure blood splatter, kidnapping a wife or two…

Yeah, that’s a hell of a recruitment tool. Literally.