Republicans Recall Trump for Being Too Fat


Citing the long tradition of fit-and-trim Republican nominees for president, the leadership of the GOP has recalled the nomination of Donald Trump, issuing the following rambling statement:

“That person was a Miss Universe presidential primary person and she he was the worst we ever had. The worst. The absolute worst. She He was impossible. And she he was a Miss Universe primary contestant, ultimately a winner who they had a tremendously difficult time with as Miss Universe the nominee. She He was the winner and, you know, she he gained a massive amount of weight and it was a real problem.We had a real problem. Not only that but her his attitude and we had a real problem with her him, so…”

Nevertheless, GOP leadership has agreed to retain Mr. Trump’s nomination if he will submit to working out in front of live television cameras while the GOP leadership stands there watching.

Stealthy Comeback Routes for the Republicans

•  The economic recovery under Obama leads to a new Yuppie ethos among the young which leads to new life for the Republicans.

•  Embrace, but do not kiss, at least not in public, the Log Cabin crowd, especially the super-classy ones (avoid photo ops with the bears). Everyone knows that fashion follows the gay community and young people follow fashion. And that leads to–

•  Don’t you wish America had its own Downton Abbeys? Then vote Republican!

◊  Because you can’t have classy without classes.

◊  Remember: the elegance is worth the wealth disparity. Besides, the sophistication and refinement more than makes up for the unlivable wages that are its foundations.

To sum up:  the GOP needs to go stealthy, go classy, go gay (the right kind of gay) and wait for the culture to swing back towards the Yuppie-ism that always afflicts the children who come of age following sharp recessions. They see the older age-set suffering through a recession and they get all Scarlett O’Hara about it.

I try not to despise the coming generation of neo-Yuppie scum by reminding myself that they’re not even out of high school yet. But it’s inevitable.