Best Reveals from PBS’s Genealogy Roadshow

1.     “Now you contacted The Roadshow asking whether you might have any African or Indian ancestry in your family background. And the reason you asked is because–”

“Because I’m the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan in my area.”

“Normally we at The Roadshow don’t do pedigree searches for racist organizations, but your case was particularly fascinating. Both DNA and family history research clearly reveals that you are 6.25 percent–or 1/16th–African. How does that make you feel?”

Shit–now I gotta lynch myself!”

“Lynch yourself?!  Being part black is no reason to stop living.”

(Tying rope around his neck) “After all the white women I’ve banged, it just wouldn’t be right.”

2.     “Congratulations, your great-great grandfather invented gerbiling.”

3.     “Now, looking at the 1840 census shown here, you can see that your fourth great-grandmother, Judith Linton, is listed here as living in New Orleans. Scrolling to the right, can you read what it says under ‘occupation’?”

“Two-bit whore?”

“Two-bit whore. So the good news is–well, at least she wasn’t a one-bit whore, at least not in 1840. By the 1860 census, however, she was living in the poorhouse and couldn’t even give it away.”

4.     “Tracing your family history back over numerous generations, we found that your great-great-great-great-great grandfather was an orangutan named Koko. And this is a picture of Koko here from his days in the circus… Now, prior to twenty years ago, subhuman genealogy was all but impossible. But today, with recent advances in genetic science, we’re actually able to break it down and tell you what part of your ancestry is gorilla, what part chimp, what part orang, what part howler monkey, and what part Irish. Looking only at the subhuman side of your family, you can see in this pie chart that you are 12% gorilla, 28% chimp, 30% orangutan, 15% macaque, and–and this was surprising–15% bush baby. We at The Roadshow have never seen such diversity before.”

“It’s like a big melting pot.”

“Or a village cooking pot full of bush meat.”

“It’s great getting in touch with your roots like that.”

“Or tree branches, in your case.”

What if Everyone Laughed at Your DNA?

Now that we know Europeans and Asians have some Neanderthal DNA it is definitely time to revise our opinions of Neanderthals and start portraying them as smart. No bias. What bias?

Historians need to dig up Columbus’ bones and test to see if he had any gay DNA:

Mystery: those were some long-ass voyages.

Mystery: he could have been a weaver like his father and been surrounded by Italian women aggrieved by the mistress system, but no, he wanted to be alone with sailors and cabin boys far from home. Far from whorehouses even.

Mystery: Columbus had a dark secret he wouldn’t even tell his sons, but perhaps it was a secret we might think of today as more rainbow-bright than dark.

If genes are so selfish, as Dr. Dawkins professes, then gay genes must be the least selfish. They just keep giving and giving and giving.

It’s debatable whether there is true homosexuality in the animal kingdom but we know that plants are very gay. As much male pollen ends up on other male plants as on female plants.

And they’re huge Onanists, casting most of their pollen on the ground.

Plants were the first creatures to whore themselves out to other species, flaunting big round hot-colored fruits and flowers for anyone to just come and poke around in. All for sex and a cheap ride.

And plants love gerbils. As a general rule, the bigger the plant, the more they like gerbils. They call it “aerating the soil”–digging tunnels in the dirt and tickling their tap roots. But a lot of rodents die in those tunnels so it’s not funny.Celebrity_DNA_Henry_Louis_Gates