Is Carson on Drugs?

Trump not only beat Bush and Cruz in New Hampshire, he schlanged them. He reamed them–so much so that he has now changed his views on gay marriage. Again.

Speaking of which, are Huma and Hillary in love? I see a lot of love there. And certainly Anthony Wiener and Bill Clinton could drive any woman to try lesbianism. Melania Trump would be crazy not to try it–she could have a bigger pick of ladies than her husband had when he picked her out of an ass line-up.

Is Carson on drugs? People don’t zip down to Florida for clothes.

Speaking of clothes, is America ready for a nudist president? Probably not, but I’m sure Lady Godiva could win a few state and local elections. Especially if she were pro-gun and pro-Bible. “Prison-glow” might even help her.

Since prisoners can’t vote they should have their own elections to choose a President of Incarcerated America. If democracy and citizenship is so darn good and important, why not make it part of prison “rehabilitation?” It can’t be any worse than the existing gang-ocracy. It would give new meaning the phrase “term limits.”

By knee-capping Rubio and then stepping aside, Chris Christie has successfully completed his campaign to become the next Republican Attorney General. Lindsay Graham was equally successful in his bid to become Secretary of State or Defense. Ditto Carly and Commerce.

Peace between Russia and Ukraine could be achieved if Donald Trump was appointed ambassador to his buddy Putin and Melania Trump was ambassador to her native Ukraine. And if war did break out, you would know in advance as soon as Trump filed for another divorce.

Meanwhile, Democrats are faced with the difficult choice between a Clinton-Sanders ticket or a Sanders-Clinton ticket. That’s a tough one. It could go either way.

In the debate last night, Clinton was excellent and Sanders was very good. Meaning Sanders won. Life is so unfair.

Is Carson on drugs? I guess I am since I just repeated myself, but then by that logic Marco Rubio is on three times as much drugs as me. Must be a Florida thing.

But seriously, didn’t Carson’s face look really puffy and rough during that debate where he could not hear his name being announced? Remember Rush Limbaugh’s “deafness?” Another Florida boy gone bad.

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The Lost History of the Gay Vikings

For centuries these ruthless marauders from Scandinavia terrorized and dominated much of northern Europe and Russia.

They were the Vikings–and five percent of them (at least) were gay!

The first notable Viking raid was against the sacred British isle of Lindisfarne, a monastic castle known for its abundance of precious gold, fine silver, and doable choir boys. The results were horrific and shook straight Europe to its core.

“One of the tricks to being a Viking raider is to never be the last man ravaging a village while all your mates are back at the boat fitting to leave. And that’s why premature ejaculation has been genetically bred into modern Scandinavian men.”

I’m not sure how that relates, but the important question is:  How did all these gay Vikings find love and fulfillment in an age which didn’t even know the meaning of “love and fulfillment,” much less gay love and fulfillment?

Some clues can be found in the epic poems chronicling Scandinavian history, called the Sagas. Of particular interest are that small subset of the Sagas which seem to deal with homosexuality, called the Fagas.

There once was a Viking from Norway

Who much preferred the back doorway.

His wife tried and she tried,

but he never could be plied

to stay home long enough to fuck her.

The failure of the last line to fully rhyme, or even rhyme at all, is typical of the Vikings, who were not great poets–hence their extensive use of the limerick. What’s important for scholars, however, is that these sections of the Fagas give us vital overlooked clues as to why the Vikings were such constant ferocious raiders, forever launching new, more far-flung adventures.

The sea is cold, violent, and ug-leey

But our wives are worse.

Next stop–gay Pareé!

Previous historical theories on the expansion of the Vikings focused on overpopulation, agricultural shortages, and the general shittiness of Scandinavia. But now a new social mechanism can be added to the explanations:

Early societies create all-male militaristic organizations which also attract homosexuals. The gay warriors find a certain fulfillment in military life and especially in the freedom of life “on the road,” causing them to generally excel over their non-gay comrades, rising in the ranks. And of course there’s those in-built organizational skills which gay guys have. And their mastery of gossip etiquette. Rising to the top, however they do it, they gain control over the strategic decision-making of the group. The result: more raids and less time at home.

This same social mechanism was undoubtedly at work during the Crusades. But of course the gay history of the Crusades is much more well known–everyone knows about the strictly celibate Templars and the mostly celibate Hospitallers and the technically celibate Hand-Jobbers. But few people, even students of history, know about these gay berserkers from the north and their beards.

Homosexuality Is Fine But What About Sodomy?

First, let me say that if I could wave a magic wand and make every man in the world except me gay, I would do it (as long as I didn’t look too gay waving a magic wand) because then I might finally get some female attention. And a decent haircut.

And if I could wave a magic wand and make every woman bi-sexual, I’d probably do that too.

So don’t call me anti-gay. Some of my best friends’ acquaintances are gay.

Also, I have nothing against the culture and personality-types commonly associated with homosexuality. In fact, I don’t think many heterosexual guys who saw Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady singing “Why Can’t Women Be More Like Men?” thought to themselves:  “What the hell is he talking about it?”

Then again, not too many heterosexual men have sat through the entirety of My Fair Lady. Not unless they were pussy-whipped into doing so.

“You will watch My Fair Lady and you will like it!”  “Yes dear.”  “And we will dance all night!”  “By dance all night, you mean sex?”  “No!”  “Yes dear…”

Now that I’ve insulated myself with ten pages of protective caveats and useless digressions, let me get to my main point–

–Ahh shit, I’m out of time!

My question concerns the biophysical mechanics of sodomy–too much sodomy. Yes, heterosexual couples also engage in sodomy, but, as everyone knows, women only give it up maybe once a year on your birthday when they’re drunk enough to take Rex Harrison’s advice, but by that point you’re so turned on to be finally getting it that you swell up too big to complete the mission.

And so you go back to the standard heterosexual way of doing things–regular sex done doggie-style while pretending to yourself that it’s sodomy. And that’s as good as it gets. Just the way God intended it.

Now the argument is often made that some or most gay men don’t really engage in sodomy any more frequently than heterosexual couples. Here’s why I doubt that, in geometrical proof format:

1.  Men (and women, I suppose, but who the hell knows, really) desire the feeling of “intromission”–that is, the feeling of being inside another body.

2.  Men (and women, I suppose) not only desire intromission, but vigorous intromission, and, eventually, very vigorous intromission.

3.  For various bio-mechanical reasons (the gag reflex, teeth, braces, dental plates etc.) oral sex just doesn’t allow for the kind of vigorous intromission that regular sex provides. And, let’s face it (bad pun), even the high-quality manual supplementation given by oral sex artistes just isn’t the same as slam-bamming a pelvis.

4.  The so-called “Socratic method”–between the thighs, etc.–is only a simulacrum of real intromission. Sooner or later, people want the real thing, The Allegory of the Cave notwithstanding.

Ergo, sodomy–too much sodomy.

And so I conclude with the question that started this article–is there anything wrong with too much sodomy? And I’m not talking morally wrong, or spiritually wrong, or religiously wrong–fuck that shit (another unfortunate pun)–I’m talking about physically wrong.

Anyone with a good answer or refutation is encouraged to reply here because, as Harold Ramis or his co-writers put it in the movie Stripes:  “I’m willing to learn.”

But please, tell me, don’t show me.

Manti Te’o on Broadway in Madame E-Butterfly

Manti Te’o–was he hoaxed or secretly gay for man-tight tail?

Either way, Manti would do well to sell his story to Broadway:  Madame E-Butterfly.

Or at least a lucrative website:  MadameEButterfly.com can hook you up with your own fake hot girlfriend who dies after a couple years!

Question: Why did Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend threaten to break up with him? Answer: She couldn’t take all his lies.

Of course, none of us would be laughing if poor Manti had killed himself Romeo-style for a Juliette that did not exist. Most of us would not be laughing.

Free novel idea:  The Sorrows of Young E-Werther by E-Goethe (an e-book)

The moral of the story is that, in our own way, we’re all Manti Te’o’s–no wait, we’re all his fake girlfriend, or rather the dude behind the fake girlfriend, or are we the woman whose identity was falsely used?… Actually, there’s no moral to this story but damn it’s good–and that’s just what we know so far!

“Far from gay” was his answer to Katie Couric but then again whoever says they’re close?

“I’m not gay at all, but I’m damn close!”

“I have no attraction to men or their anatomy–but I almost do!”

What else is “close to gay?” Using the word “pesky” too often?

Sometimes I think I enjoy using cotton swab-sticks in my ears a little too intensely. It’s just such a good feeling: “Oh yeah, big buddy, ream me out! I’m all juicy and I need it!

My girlfriend asked me to choose–her or the Q-tips. So yeah, I’m single.

So that could be a little close to gay. And the fact that she never existed.