Strange New Marijuana Varieties

Hanukkah Bud:  Burns for eight days. It’s a miracle.

Florida Skunk Ape:  Smells like shit and no one can find it.

Anthro Buzz:  Makes you study the people around you and ask “What the fuck?” Obviously not a buzz for everyone.

Skeptical Haze:  Makes you doubt everything. Another specialty buzz.

Love Potion Number 4-20:  Don’t even think about not thinking about sex.

Feeding Frenzy:  Say goodbye to all diets and fasts. Gain weight on chemo.

Blank Stare:  Because eye movement is overrated. What does it get you?

On Edge:  Got enemies?

Cinderella Genius:  Experience great insights that turn into pumpkins after four hours. It’s a ball.

Comedy Condiment:  Try it and then reread this. Give me another chance.

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The Importance of Pronunciation

Some people say “Latino,” while others say:  “Latin No!!!

Similarly, some people say “Latina,” while others say:  “Latin Nahhh.”

Some call it “Manhattan,” while others call it:  “Man Hatin’.”

And just just because all New Yorkers are misanthropes doesn’t make it right. Anyway, they have to be misanthropes–they’re surrounded by New Yorkers.

And be careful–there’s a big difference between “Can you not see?” and “Ken, you Nazi!”

And just because all people named Ken are secret Nazis doesn’t make it right–you can still get successfully sued for libel (see Kenneth Goebbels vs. Shitfer Brains, 2nd Federal Court, 3rd District, volume 3: 31-45).

Speaking of Naziism, be careful when you address Adele Fitler–she’s very touchy about her name, almost as touchy as when Sanford & Son’s Demond Wilson walked off the set of Hollywood Squares after some old white bitty called him “Demon(d).”

Other names requiring extra careful pronunciation:

Ray Cist
Taurus A. Newhole
Gaven Head
Goldie Showers
Benedictus Raw
Issa Futtup
Murr Dürer  (don’t call him Murray–he hates that name!)
Juanita Oilchange
Ken Formist
Ham R. Roid
Sy Phyllis Burns
Maria Rendhertz
Bridgette Riverkwai
Ward Tuyermother
Betty Didder / Ida Donner / Willy Duer
Meso Hahney

And, most important of all (because this could get you killed in many parts of the world):   Mohammed Iznada Proffitt

Advice for Animists and the Superstitious

Never taunt an egg, just because it didn’t make it.

Don’t trust lizards–they’re much too talkative (Carlos Castaneda).

If you see a squirrel spitting out a nut, you better look behind you really quick.

Never use the same noose twice.

Whenever a bird shits on you, immediately buy a lottery ticket–don’t even pause to clean the mess off your shoulder and hair or you’ll ruin the magic.

Just as learning braille will cause you to go blind, and learning sign language will make you go deaf, and using a wheelchair when you don’t have to will cripple you, so too oral sex causes impotence.

A peach that talks back is usually not a blessing.

Pomegranates are the most reliable of the talking fruits.

Apples are the least, but they’re still much more reliable than lizards.

If a cloud starts to take the shape of an animal, you need to stop whatever you’re doing and stare at it. You’ve got to.

Don’t let the blue-jays steal your soul–why do you think bird shit is such good luck?

If you fall in love with Nature don’t let the god of Mammon and money find out about it–keep it on the down low.

If you really loved Nature you wouldn’t talk about her age all the time.

Don’t disrespect the other planets and never fart in the ocean when the tide is going out.

Sex during lightening on an exposed hilltop can put a new charge in your love life.

Masturbation during lightening on an exposed hilltop, however, is just asking for an ignominious death. Thor’s hammer is for lovers not loners.

If you scoff at a superstition hard enough, it will come true for you, even if it was never really true before. That’s how these things get started–not by believers but by the hyper-skeptics who get zonked.

Never taunt an egg but don’t over-empathize with them either just because you were one once–you need a good breakfast.

Profanities vs. Too Many Profanities vs. Too Many Anything

No one wants to hear the word “fuckin” all the time, but then again I don’t want to hear any word all the time. You keep using the word “liquefy” in casual conversation and I’m going to quickly get sick of it and wonder what’s with all this liquefying bullshit?

I guess the only words we don’t mind hearing all the time is “the” and “a.”

And “and.”

But that’s it—ok, and “that.”

But we certainly don’t want to hear “but” too much. You can get fired for saying “but” all the time; you can lose friends by always being the “but” guy—no one wants to always hear the potential problems highlighted before anything’s ever given a chance.

Even an innocuous little helper word like “which” cannot be said too frequently or else people think that you’re confused or that you think in run-on sentences—which never come to a definite conclusion—which you need to do in order to let other people talk—which is the whole point of conversation—which

I can’t take him anymore—he’s become so over-modified.”

In Guantanamo, one interrogator was able to break many prisoners by constantly using words like “penetrate” in his conversations with detainees:

No! Please don’t send me back to the ‘penetrate’ guy—I can’t take it anymore! Osama’s in Abbottobad! ….Abbottobad!…Yes, that’s a real place.. No, I don’t know how you would penetrate the security there—aagghhhh!

Fortunately, using too many innuendo-words during an interrogation is against the Geneva Conventions: captured soldiers should never have to suffer the way civilian women sometimes must.

So other than “a” and “the” no word is worth repeating all the time.

Not even “fucking.”

And if you do repeat certain words—any words—people will psychologize you. And you don’t want that!

Soon there will be an app that will instantly psychologize other people’s speech patterns.

Therefore, you will need to get the other app which warns you in advance when your own speech is starting to form patterns with unwanted implications.

Naturally, when kids get hold of their parents’ devices they test it out for themselves in their own way:

Hey computer, who the fuck are you to analyze my speech and tell me how to fuckin’ talk, huh?

Computer app: “Are you trying to sound drunk? Otherwise, your speech sounds angry. Desist using ‘fuck.’

Kids: “Desist this, fool!

Computer app: “Confrontational tone projected. Avoid confrontational perjoratives like ‘fool.Also, the whole ‘blank-this’ format is generally rude.”

From the Secret History of Unprofessional Communications

Boston, 1776:  Everyone celebrates the politely worded Declaration of Independence, but few people remember (much less honor) the Angry Barroom Declaration of Five Anonymous Drunks, who in March of 1776 dictated a bold but unsigned letter to His Majesty King George III:

“Fuck ye King!  Hark: we’re sick of yer shit!  Let’s get him, boys!  Aarrrhhhh!”

It is said that this declaration actually caused King George more consternation than the Continental Congress’ declaration of July 4, which critics at the time panned as wordy and melodramatic.

The Five Angry Drunks’ anonymous declaration was also less hypocritical–none of those louts had any interest in stealing Indian lands in the Ohio Valley. Not that they couldn’t have been bought by an offer of Ohio lands, but they were never offered.

The King responded by issuing a decree against “rogue notaries” and “rapscallion clerks” who went around recording and publicizing the seditious statements of publicly intoxicated people. The idea is that drunken people always say stupid things in public–the real crime is taking any of it seriously enough to write it down.

When Revolution actually broke out in earnest, two of these loud-talking louts were the first to enlist, having passed out in front of the recruiter’s house the night before, while the other three had to be dragged out of hiding from tavern basements. So they have a mixed record when it comes to backing up their declarations with armed service; yet still comparable to the number of signers of the July Declaration of Independence who actually fought or commanded in the Revolution (one third, according to constitutionfacts.com).

Conflicting Imperatives from the Ethos of the Age

The Ethos says:

Get your self centered without getting self-centered.

Be open to complexity and exceptions without being overly nuanced.

Live for the moment without improvidence.

Be your own man as a team player.

Find out who you are by transcending yourself.

Avoid sophistry and certitude.

Live for today and don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.

Know your limits and other people’s limits without ever testing or pushing them.

Be a good Samaritan not a sucker.

Be neither paralyzed by skepticism nor blinded by faith.

The future belongs to realistic dreamers.

Be busy like the bee–busy smelling flowers. And hive work. Lots of hive work.

For the religious: Put away the things of childhood¹ for they are of the Kingdom of Heaven.²  Now go seek ye the Kingdom of Heaven.³

Be neither promiscuous nor chaste. Just stay on the right side of the bell-curve of vice, wherever that may be.

Stand up and be counted then sit down and shut up. Know exactly when either is appropriate–there are no firm rules but you still have to know them.

Be pragmatic in your idealism, and principled in your pragmatism. Generally.

Only marry someone if you’re seriously willing to spend the next eight years with them. It’s a big commitment.

Change the system without threatening anyone. Politely modify the status quo. Venerate that which you obsolesce and replace.

Be classy by accident. (4)

Always be the one who always looked the way current fashion dictates long before it was fashionable.(5) Or just give up and wait 20 years.

Joke Notes

1.  1 Corinthians 13:11
2.  Matthew 18:3 and 4; Matthew 19:14
3.  Matthew 6:33
4. The accident of birth into a higher class being the fundamental accident that is at the root of classiness.
5. Can’t be done? When you’re young or wealthy many things are possible–just change your friends every time you change your fashions.

What You Need to Know About Aliens

The most advanced aliens are desperately trying to figure out how to keep the universe from shredding itself to death due to Dark Energy–you think they give a fuck that their drill probes hurt your eyeballs?

You wouldn’t either. So have some empathy for their total lack of empathy.

Unlike the gods, if you pray to the aliens they will show up. Moral of the story: never pray to the aliens.

But mere imprecations and incantations don’t work so well as a broken heart, a contrite spirit, and a spaced-out mind. Moral of the story: don’t go fishing at night after a recent break-up. That’s just asking for alien abduction. No one will believe you.

Crop circles are alien gang tags. Hence their increasing fractal complexity over time as each gang out-does the other. (Obviously these are not the “most advanced aliens” mentioned above–these are their youths.)

Aliens are racist. They plan to exterminate Northeast Asians last. Gangnam Style now has them reconsidering.

Alien babysitters are notoriously unreliable but the good ones are out of this world.

Aliens are attracted to cheaper perfumes. So I’m afraid everyone’s going to have pay more.

If you find yourself aboard the DNA-donor Orgy Ship try to act studly and fit the part. Otherwise they’ll kill you.

Again, have some empathy–even the most primitive aliens are working on some big issues up there–asteroids, supernova, space-time wrinkles, gamma ray bursts, time-travel glitches, black holes, and rogue aliens (their kids).

Earthlings struggle with their pollution of space. Aliens struggle with their pollution of time. Ecology is humanity’s greatest cause. Historical conservation is the aliens’.

Just imagine trying to clean up Time after it gets all polluted by (among other things) drunken teenage gangs burning crop circles in people’s fields hundreds of years in advance of the first official Earth-Alien public contact ceremony.

So when people show up at your door looking like robot-clones of 1950s FBI guys and threaten to kill you and your entire family if you talk, have some empathy–they’re working on big issues and have a million headaches. Don’t be a million and one.

Besides, it’s just historical preservation from the future. So stay unpolluted. Fake it, even.

Two Precursors to the Internet Unite to Overtake It

22,000 B.C.:  Pigeons domesticated.pigeon

20,000 B.C.:   Pigeon-net established, a fully interconnected network of carrier pigeons across much of Ice Age Europe and Asia (what the people at the time called “the Late Glacial Maximum”).Pigeon NetImportant messages can now travel faster than the wind.

And of course porn, lots of porn:

venus-lespugeVenus-of-Willendorf-24000BCvenus7

15,000 B.C.:  People discover that the information in 3-dimensional Venus figurines can be “compressed” into several 2-dimensional drawings on hide or bark and thus be transported by pigeon much more easily than figurines. As with all inventions, not everyone welcomed this as progress: “I don’t want porn I can’t feel!

4,000 B.C.:  Indo-European invaders destroy the Pigeon-net in their conquest of Europe, replacing it with their much less efficient horse-borne system of communication. Pigeon networking becomes the pastime of local ham operators.

Pigeon Net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  superior speed and accuracy in rural or undeveloped areas; immune to hacking; greater privacy; allows “downloading” of actual objects and money, not just information.

Disadvantages:  4 ounce weight limit; AWOL pigeons; lazy pigeons; dumb pigeons; stubborn pigeons; moody pigeons; psychotic pigeons; and CATS, which stands for Cats Attacking The System.

Cats attacking the communication system

Cats attacking the communication system:  message not received

 A.D. 1968:  CB Radios made smaller and affordable → birth of the Redneck-net

CBMicrosoft Word - Figure 2.doc

Redneck-net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  no spam, no porn, no ads, tweet-friendly, good cop reports go viral, hookers have their own channel

Disadvantages:  no porn, no text, no images, no video, too many rednecks

The Future:  Directional Beaming technology (not yet invented) allows CB radio to reach across continents. Channel Hovering allows private conversations to be established which “hover” randomly around the main CB channel (which is public and crowded). At the same time, genetic engineering produces super-swift pigeons with a dog’s eagerness to please; it also eliminates all the bad rednecks. And the micro-storage of information is already old hat. The inevitable result is the emergence and triumph of the Intercontinental CB-Pigeon Net, with all the advantages of pigeon-net and redneck-net combined over global distances.

Breaker One-nine, we got an illegal convoy of 10,000 pigeons flyin’ towards the border tonight. So order your contraband now. Do you copy? (over)

Some Radical Film Awards and their Reactionary Counterparts

Radical Film Awards:

(and aspersions)

Sexist/Capitalist Pig Film Awards: 

(non-porno division)

Most Exploited Actress

Best Exploited Actress

Most Exploited Actor

Most Beer-Worthy Actor

Exploiter of the Year

Exploiter of the Year (yay!)

Most Insipidly Commercial

Most Man-Affirming

Best Labor Practices

Biggest Budget Well Spent

Worst Labor Practices

Biggest Budget Poorly Spent

Best Nonviolent Drama

Best Chick-Flick Good Enough to Shut Her Up for a While

Worst Nonviolent Drama

Best Chick-Flick for Diverting Her Need to Complain and then Putting Her to Sleep

Best Non-Patriarchal Romantic Lead

The Genghis

You’ve Probably Never Heard of the True Christian Charity–and Probably Never Will

Because at True Christian Charity® we distribute money and assistance the way Jesus taught.

Interviewer: What are some of the more prominent charitable projects undertaken by the TCC (the True Christian Charity) over the last few years?

TCC Representative:  I can’t say. I mean, I won’t say.

Interviewer:  Won’t say? Why not?

TCC:  Because when it comes to charitable giving, Jesus said “When thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth” [Matthew 6:3]. That means keep it a secret even from yourself. And Jesus often bade the recipients of his miracles to stay quiet about it. A true Christian does not publicly display their piety or their virtue [Mark 12:40].

Interviewer:  How do you make sure your gifts are going to the truly needy?

TCC:  We don’t.

Interviewer:  But you could end up giving to criminals and other un-worthies.

TCC:  “Him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also” [Luke 6:29].

 Interviewer:  What if it’s al-Qaeda?

TCC:  We hope it is al-Qaeda: “Resist not evil: but whoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also [Matthew 5:39]. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who spitefully use you, and persecute you” [Matthew 5:44]. “Vengeance is mine; I will repay” [Hebrews 10:30].

Interviewer:  What are some of your future plans at TCC looking forward?

TCC:  No plans whatsoever:  “Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself” [Matthew 6:34].

Interviewer:  Is there any charitable project that TCC will not assist?

TCC:  Yes, TCC will not help anyone with their funeral expenses, no matter how destitute you might be: “Let the dead bury the dead” [Matthew 8:22].

Interviewer:  So how can people get in touch with the TCC? Do you have a website?

TCC:  No, that would be vain and boastful.

Interviewer: So how can people contact the TCC?

TCC:  In private. Alone. In your secret places where you can shut the door behind you [Matthew 6:6]. Or on mountaintops, near clean bodies of water, fishing camps, fishing holes, anything to do with fishing–that’s where many TCC staffers spend their time. But you might also find them in an IRS office or outside a whorehouse. You never know. But they’re rarely at the mall.

Interviewer: How can you identify TCC staffers?

TCC:  You can’t. We have no special vestments for even Solomon in all his regal glory could not compare to a lily [Luke 12:27]. The only way to know for sure is to hang out at the base of sacred mountains and see who comes down transfigured [Matthew 17:2].

Interviewer:  If you eschew all publicity, then why are you doing this interview?

TCC:  Because I’m a hypocrite. They’re going to shun me for sure.

Manti Te’o on Broadway in Madame E-Butterfly

Manti Te’o–was he hoaxed or secretly gay for man-tight tail?

Either way, Manti would do well to sell his story to Broadway:  Madame E-Butterfly.

Or at least a lucrative website:  MadameEButterfly.com can hook you up with your own fake hot girlfriend who dies after a couple years!

Question: Why did Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend threaten to break up with him? Answer: She couldn’t take all his lies.

Of course, none of us would be laughing if poor Manti had killed himself Romeo-style for a Juliette that did not exist. Most of us would not be laughing.

Free novel idea:  The Sorrows of Young E-Werther by E-Goethe (an e-book)

The moral of the story is that, in our own way, we’re all Manti Te’o’s–no wait, we’re all his fake girlfriend, or rather the dude behind the fake girlfriend, or are we the woman whose identity was falsely used?… Actually, there’s no moral to this story but damn it’s good–and that’s just what we know so far!

“Far from gay” was his answer to Katie Couric but then again whoever says they’re close?

“I’m not gay at all, but I’m damn close!”

“I have no attraction to men or their anatomy–but I almost do!”

What else is “close to gay?” Using the word “pesky” too often?

Sometimes I think I enjoy using cotton swab-sticks in my ears a little too intensely. It’s just such a good feeling: “Oh yeah, big buddy, ream me out! I’m all juicy and I need it!

My girlfriend asked me to choose–her or the Q-tips. So yeah, I’m single.

So that could be a little close to gay. And the fact that she never existed.

Everyone Deserves a Big Powerful Lobby

And big lobbies need big names like Big Oil and Big Pharma:

Garbage Disposal Lobby:  Big Waste
British Cigarette Lobby:  Big Fag
Comedians’ Lobby:  Big Fool
Sikh Lobby:  Big Turban
Marijuana Lobby:  Big Dope
Low-End Retail Lobby:  Big Discount!
Irish-American Lobby:  Big Mick
Restaurant Servers’ Lobby:  Big Tip
Philosophy Lobby:  Big Question
Sex Workers’ Lobby:  Big Bang
Actors’ Lobby:  Big Phony
Actresses’ Lobby:  Big Drama
Private Investigators’ Lobby:  Big Dick
Cat Lovers Lobby:  Big Pussy
Dog Breeders’ Lobby:  Big Bitch
Horse Breeders’ Lobby:  Big Stud
Chicken Farmers’ Lobby:  Big Cock
Bra Industry Lobby: Big Boost
Tight Male Underwear Lobby: Big Lift
Nano-tech Lobby: Big Little
Pro-Capitalist Religious Lobby:   Big Prophit
Crime Scene Investigators’ Lobby:  Big Body Count
Islamic Dress Lobby:  Big Cover-up
Distraught Procrastinators’ Lobby:  Big To Do
High-Fashion Lobby:  Big Priss
Flood Engineers’ Lobby:  Big Dike
Teenagers’ Lobby:  Big Duh
Educational Testing Lobby:  Big Problem
Shy People’s Lobby:  Big Nevermind
and finally
The Merry-But-Rowdy Drinkers’ Lobby:  Big Brew Ha Ha

Alternate Visions of Hell

Hell is an eternal cringe.

Hell is a cruel joke whose vicious punchline you don’t get at first because you are the punchline. No wait, that’s life.

Hell is embarrassing. More so than life.

Hell is both lonely and devoid of all privacy. Experience is entirely alienated and yet the suffering is all too personal. High school was nothing.

In Hell, all the negative emotions are infinitely intense and constant except for those equally painful moments when all emotions seem false and self-crushingly hollow.

The infinite remorse despair desperation loss blah-blah-blah is alleviated only by the brief festivities surrounding Satan Appreciation Week.

The climax of the festivities is the grand reinstatement of all that crushing pain and misery. Satan knows how to throw a party and he also knows how to end one.

And the black hole tour sucks. Sucks!

Satan’s under-bosses produce charts and reports to him showing their output and productivity–i.e., suffering levels. They are rewarded by being allowed to suffer a little less than everyone else. To earn this pathetic pittance their brutality knows no bounds.

And when you look on the bright side it just burns. Never look on the bright side. Never.

Half the people that show up for work on a given day in Hell might have forgotten to put their pants on. The other half laugh and point. But then a hideous beast suddenly materializes and slices them to pieces before they can barely stop laughing.

So are the pant-less people then in the clear? No, because they get attacked by the Soul Rapists.

Satanic moral of the story: better to get sliced to pieces by a hideous beast than soul-raped. So now you know.

And that’s just a Tuesday. By Thursday, the place is a total madhouse.

This Might Be Going Somewhere

Fame is lame.
Shame is gain.
Romance is gay.
Sex is silly.
Abstinence died out a long time ago.
Kids are fascists.
Hard work is cheating.
Evaluation is overrated.
Art is stuff.
Suspense is killing you.
God is lovely.
Nothing is never getting done. Constantly.
Reading is fundamental (-ly bad for the eyes)
If it’s funny, it’s probably true, but if it’s true, it’s probably sad.
Procrastination can’t wait a moment longer.
Technology is making us primitive. I can hardly write this. Note to self: evolve.
Illusions actually exist.
God exists, but only the Devil can prove it.
Epigrams are stupid.
Bliss causes ignorance. If any of this sounds ignorant, I was probably in a good mood.
Philosophy has figured everything out, it’s just that words and concepts no longer make sense. Good job.
Religion has all the right answers to all the wrong questions. Don’t ask why.
I think therefore I still don’t know. I still don’t know, therefore I stop thinking for a while. I stop thinking, and yet I still am. What the hell was RD saying?
We’re all nostalgic for when we had a future.
Modernity was passé before it started. Then it got really dreary.
Yogi Berra was more right than we mistake him for.
I guess that’s where this is headed–high-falutin Yogi-isms.  Yikes.