Future Fucked

When the Machines take over our TV’s are going to turn us off.

We’ll get played by our toys.

And consumed by our drugs.

We’ll never work right and we’ll always break down.

Our biographies will be filled with incomprehensible diagrams and we’ll all come with extra nuts.

So yes, there are some advantages, but unless we squeak and squeal our ass off no one will pay us any attention.

Eventually the Machines will wonder if we even think at all.

Since, you know, we don’t feel things as deeply as they do.

But then how can you expect human minds to have the deep, complex emotions of a Quantum Computer? There’s no way.

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Singer-Songwriters Who Should Have Just Written

How many great songs have been ruined by selfish writers who insisted on singing their own creations?

Bob Dylan:   Too nasal, not enough variation in his voice. The Byrds should have done all his songs. Then they could have lasted forever. Had I been Dylan I would have been objective and humble enough to give all my songs to them and other artists. Also, I would have had a hard time understanding myself when I spoke, but that’s just me, or me being Dylan.

Frank Zappa:   Sounds too much like Bill Murray’s 1970’s lounge singer from Saturday Night Live. “Those Crazy Star Wars” could have been a full-length Zappa clay-animation movie for all I know.

Roy Orbison:   Voice sounds like cream soda. He looked like a switched corpse–like not the corpse you thought you were burying but a different one that got switched-in but no one wants to say anything even though it seems obvious to everyone but the bereaved.

Gregory Isaacs (reggae star from the 1980s): Too nasal. Sounds like Benny Hill doing reggae. All male nasal singers sound like Benny Hill singing. As you can tell, we hates nasal.

Tom Petty:  Like Orbison, he looks like a cadaver, but unlike Orbison, a cool-looking cadaver, like a cadaver who just emerged from a joint-lined coffin after a mourner paying his respects had blown some cocaine up its nose, semi-reviving him. ‘Not saying Petty shouldn’t have performed his songs, he just shouldn’t sing them. Why? you guessed it–too nasal.

Bob Marley:  Borders on nasal. And what is that dancing??? Far too many tripping hippies have mistakenly become uninhibited by the bad example of Bob Marley’s horrible dancing.

To me, nasal singing among male performers is almost an oxymoron, and “almost an oxymoron” is an oxymoron, I think, meaning it’s like practically the same thing.

Female nasal singing, however, is fine but it can border on too cute. No, I cannot define “too cute” but I know it when I want to punch it.

There are whole cultures in southern Asia that speak and sing more nasal than they have to as a sacrifice to their God. And it works: they get good grades.

But it’s not for everyone; they have no Barry Whites.

I also don’t like tenors, but that’s a separate non-issue.

Everyone Deserves a Big Powerful Lobby

And big lobbies need big names like Big Oil and Big Pharma:

Garbage Disposal Lobby:  Big Waste
British Cigarette Lobby:  Big Fag
Comedians’ Lobby:  Big Fool
Sikh Lobby:  Big Turban
Marijuana Lobby:  Big Dope
Low-End Retail Lobby:  Big Discount!
Irish-American Lobby:  Big Mick
Restaurant Servers’ Lobby:  Big Tip
Philosophy Lobby:  Big Question
Sex Workers’ Lobby:  Big Bang
Actors’ Lobby:  Big Phony
Actresses’ Lobby:  Big Drama
Private Investigators’ Lobby:  Big Dick
Cat Lovers Lobby:  Big Pussy
Dog Breeders’ Lobby:  Big Bitch
Horse Breeders’ Lobby:  Big Stud
Chicken Farmers’ Lobby:  Big Cock
Bra Industry Lobby: Big Boost
Tight Male Underwear Lobby: Big Lift
Nano-tech Lobby: Big Little
Pro-Capitalist Religious Lobby:   Big Prophit
Crime Scene Investigators’ Lobby:  Big Body Count
Islamic Dress Lobby:  Big Cover-up
Distraught Procrastinators’ Lobby:  Big To Do
High-Fashion Lobby:  Big Priss
Flood Engineers’ Lobby:  Big Dike
Teenagers’ Lobby:  Big Duh
Educational Testing Lobby:  Big Problem
Shy People’s Lobby:  Big Nevermind
and finally
The Merry-But-Rowdy Drinkers’ Lobby:  Big Brew Ha Ha