John Kerry’s “Sista Souljah” Speech at the American Embassy in Cuba

Forget about Al Gore running in 2016, it’s John Kerry we need to be watching:

“In the words of that famous Cuban-American Tony Montana:  ‘F-f-ffock you!‘ ”

(Applause)

“No wait–excuse me–that was the wrong quote–I mis-swore: ‘First you get the money, then you get the pussy!

(Louder applause)

“And now with the reopening of our embassy here in Cooba, we can proudly proclaim: It’s pussy time!”

(Wild applause)

‘Say hello to my little friend!’

(Wild applause)

‘Oy Conyo!’ ”  (Applause) ” ‘What you lookin at? You fucking cockroach! Who the fuck you calling a Spic, mang? Chi chi, get the yeyo. And don’t be calling me no dishwasher or I’ll kick you fuckin’ monkey ass!’

” ‘You wanna go to war? We take you to war, OK! There’s not gonna be a next time you dumb fucking Cuban.’

‘I’m Tony Montana, a political prisoner from Cooba. And I want my fuckin’ human rights now!’

Audience:  “Black Cuban lives matter!

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I’m Not Rock-Worthy

I recently saw a TV documentary on Joseph Stalin. Yeah, he was bad, yeah he was brutal. But at least the movie of his life can be scored with a thrash-metal soundtrack.

Not everyone can say that. I certainly can’t:

“Alan Brech graduated from the University of Florida’s English Department–where he shredded it!”  [crashing guitars howl and wail]

No, that’ll never work. I’ll never get a hard rock soundtrack to accompany the “story” of my lame suburban life. ‘Never happen, as the grunts used to say back in the world’s most rock-n-roll-worthy war, the Vietnam Conflict (even if most of the actual participants listened to country, soul and Asian folk).

Ironically, while much of the really great early rock music of the 60’s and 70’s was anti-war, now the most rock-n-roll thing is war. According to everything I’ve seen on TV–and that’s quite a lot, thank you very much–war fucking rocks. Advanced weapons systems rock. Dangerous missions rock. Heavy casualties really rocks!

But not every great thing rocks. It’s not that easy. Take Tolkien, for example. Yeah, it’s great, and yeah it seems like it should rock. But it doesn’t. Put a rock soundtrack on anything from Tolkien and the result is corny stupidity causing internal cringes of embarrassment that are the exact opposite of rocking out.

Many a near-great Zeppelin tune has been marred by an unfortunate reference to Mordor and Gollum. Ok, it was only one song, but look how it cast a pall over all their other stuff.

And poor Rush. Poor, poor Rush…

Or opera. I don’t like it but for people who do it must seem great and powerful–just like rock–so what could be a better marriage than rock and opera? Wrong again. Tommy can’t hear you and none of us are listening anymore either.

It’s debatable whether Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart really rocked or not. Yes, Falco made a good case in the abstract, but no one has yet attempted to score a visual portrayal of WAM with rock music. It’s doubtful whether it would work for anything other than his mental breakdown scenes.

Because mental breakdowns rock.

Apparently many things we despise and fear–war, mental breakdowns, crime, stress, addiction, hopelessness, maybe the Orcs from Tokien–really rock.

Butterflies, not so much, 1968 notwithstanding. A bird chomping down on a butterfly with butterfly juice squirting out in slow motion–yeah, that would rock.

So choose your soundtrack and live it well.

Some Radical Film Awards and their Reactionary Counterparts

Radical Film Awards:

(and aspersions)

Sexist/Capitalist Pig Film Awards: 

(non-porno division)

Most Exploited Actress

Best Exploited Actress

Most Exploited Actor

Most Beer-Worthy Actor

Exploiter of the Year

Exploiter of the Year (yay!)

Most Insipidly Commercial

Most Man-Affirming

Best Labor Practices

Biggest Budget Well Spent

Worst Labor Practices

Biggest Budget Poorly Spent

Best Nonviolent Drama

Best Chick-Flick Good Enough to Shut Her Up for a While

Worst Nonviolent Drama

Best Chick-Flick for Diverting Her Need to Complain and then Putting Her to Sleep

Best Non-Patriarchal Romantic Lead

The Genghis